A special thanks to Michael and Christy O. from Las Vegas for their sponsorship of the O. Weekend.

It was great to see Mr. & Mrs. O. again after two years.  They are great people and true friends.  Mr. O. may also be an alcoholic which makes me an enabler this past weekend.  Notice the denial on my part.

I found a great website that deals with job searching and also contains tips for the recently (and soon to be) unemployed. 

Food giant Nestle announced today that they are purchasing the Jenny Craig weight loss company for $600 million.   This is good news for Kirstie Alley who will now be able to get free samples of Kit Kat bars and ice cream to supplement the crappy Jenny Craig Triple Grain Crisps.  Soon to be fatter actress.

I read that Tom Cruise will attend his ex-wife Nicole Kidman’s nuptials to Keith Urban this week in Australia citing Scientology requires him to go for closure.  I guess this means Nicole will have to attend his wedding when he marries Katie Holmes.  Maybe Keith Urban and Katie Holmes can just marry each other and leave these nut bag Scientologists to themselves.

Seacrest out.

Benny

Nothing says summer like catching a great rock ‘n roll show at an outdoor amphitheatre.  Unless you add your buddy pissing on your leg at said amphitheatre.

The weekend included catching the Tom Petty show at UMB Bank Pavilion on Saturday night.  Just the thing for two guys who spent the day sharing a 30-pack and a chick who was already nursing her 2nd hangover of the day.

Midway through the first set, I felt water splashing my leg.  Being in the lawn seats, I assumed someone had spilled a beer.  After all, it was dark and the lawn was full of people.  This seemed like a reasonable assumption until I turned to my left and found Mr. O. singing along to “Free Fallin’”, holding his wiener.  Apparently, the walk to the restroom was too far and there was also a risk of not being able to find his way back.  The alternative?  Piss where you stand. 

What a great weekend.  More to follow.  I have to get to work.

Sunday came and trashed me out again…  You may be right.  I may be crazy.  But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.

Benny 

Mr. & Mrs. O. landed last night at 10:30.  We got to sleep around 2:30 and up at 6:00 to start the smoker (ribs to follow).  Once they’re on, back to sleep for a few before the first brew. 

Next post will be probably be tomorrow sometime. 

All week long, I made plans to clean the pad for the O. weekend, which begins tomorrow night.  Tonight was the night I would clean the kitchen, scrub the bathroom, vacuum the carpet, and wash the sheets.

Instead, I received a call at 6:30 from Issac who said he would buy the beer if I walked over to Westport for the monthly Parties in the Plaza.  After three animate refusals, I gave into temptation and began speed walking the half mile journey.

Three hours later, after drinking a few beers and eating an unnecessary Imo’s pizza, I find myself at the computer, and realizing I need to go to bed.

Parties was fun, though.  The usual suspects were present.  Jody was drunker than ten Indians, Tom wore another pink shirt, and Issac tried to talk me into to going to the bars.

Quote of the night:  Someone asked Tom is he ever saw Jody in a bad mood.  He quickly replied, “You should see him on payday.”

Enough about my nonsense.  A company is offering a new device that will allow you to take a crap while listening to your iPod.  It’s called iCarta but a more appropriate name would be iCrapa; or iPoop.  It holds 250 songs which means the last song should be ending about the same time I finish backing out the pizza I ate for dinner.

Cher is lobbying to get new helmets for our troops.  A good idea from the original Bengal.  I’m just kidding.  I shouldn’t make fun of anyone; I found these definitions of Benny on the same website.

I wish I was a soccer hooligan.  That seems  fun.

Did you have a good world when you died?  Enough to base a movie on?

Benny

I would like to apologize to Jessica Alba. My friend Jane told me that Ms. Alba is in town filming a movie. This was confirmed in a news column today.

In my post yesterday, I questioned how I would ever be able to “bang” her. That was an extremely sophomoric comment. What I meant to say was, how I would like to meet Jessica Alba, shake her hand, give her a friendly hug, shower her with affection, take her to a nice restaurant, get her drunk, bring her home in a limo, and make sweet, forbidden love to her all night.

I feel better, now.

There’s been a lot of talk on the internet the last couple of days about mixing Diet Coke and Mentos. Watching this video link, you will see that the physical reaction results in a spectacular geyser. It reminded me of a girl I loved in college once. No, twice.

Dustin “Screech” Diamond has created a new website because he needs to raise money to save his house. What kind of person thinks they will get complete strangers to send them money just because they created a website? What a loser. Actually, he is selling t-shirts to raise the $250k needed to save his humble abode. Go get ‘em, Screech.

Geno’s Steaks in Philadelphia recently posted a “Speak English Sign” in its world-famous eatery. I don’t get this. I’ve never owned a restaurant but I think I would welcome any patron with cash. I can see reversing the idea to ensure an English speaking person on the other side of the counter.

When I place an order at a fast-food restaurant, the language I encounter most is Ebonics. Just yesterday morning, I ordered a sausage biscuit from McDonalds and as the woman was getting my change, she turned to her co-worker and said, “I fittin’ to go on break.”

“Hell, yeah. I hear dat,” her colleague responded. WTF?

And that’s realer than real-deal Holyfield. And now you hookas and hoes know how I feel… Ain’t nuthin’ but a G thing.

Benny

As if I didn’t have enough to worry about… 

*  How are we going to kill the new Al Qaeda dip sh-t?

*  How will a new Mexican immigration law affect the price of weed?

*  How will I ever bang Jessica Alba?

*  How can I explain this post to my Mom if she reads it?

Enough, already. 

Now, I have to convince my web hosting company for the fourth time that my blog is jacked up.  If you scroll to the bottom, the light blue background ends.  No one seems to know how to fix this.  It’s like I’m talking to my cable, cell phone, utility company, yada yada yada. 

Where has customer service gone in this country? 

I read on MSN today that drinking 17 beers a day can keep prevent prostate cancer.  This has  been my plan all along.  I just hope this preventive medicine doesn’t have any negative effects because I will be screwed.

There was also a research released today that states drinking coffee reduces the chance of cirrhosis of the liver.  Hello?  Suddenly, my lifestyle looks healthy.

Wednesday Night Fights - Ann Coulter vs. George Carlin on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Must See TV is back!  If you don’t know who Ann Coulter is, watch TV Land.

I would love to write more but I spent two hours on the phone with the web hosting company and I have to go to work tomorrow thanks to you cheap fu**ers.

I drink alone,

Benny

What a crock of crap.  The alarm sounded at 7:00 and it could not be ignored.  I thought about getting in a quick work out but decided to lie in bed watching Imus in the Morning until 7:30.  This caused me to switch into overdrive with the shower and application of Gold Bond Nut Powder.

If my life didn’t mimic George Constanza’s enough, my first day at work was surreal.  When I arrived, I was told my boss was out of town this week.  They gave me the big office with my own bathroom.  I was just waiting for someone to plop the Penske file in front of me.

I was asked to follow up on some quotes sent out recently.  Recently meaning 2004.  I spoke with one person all day and they informed me they had bought the same software from another vendor.  Sweet.

I can’t even begin to explain the commute.  50 minutes there and 55 home.  Why do people turn into Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in the morning?  I found myself chasing cars that cut me off only to find the occupants to be gang bangers who probably had been up all night committing car jackings.  On each occasion, I flipped them The Van Buren Boys gang sign and dropped back into traffic at a comfortable 60 MPH.

If today was any indication of days to come, I am going to be pushed to my limits.  I made a personal goal to make it at least through the Festivus Holiday.

Enough complaining (for today), there were some serious news stories on the wire today.  For example, Al-Qaeda in Iraq already named a successor to Abu Musab Zarqawi.  I just hope the Al-Qaeda congress can get a quick up and down vote without stringing this process out too long.  I’m sure the new guy is eager to kill innocent civilians but there’s always going to be a loose cannon insurgent who wants to hear his stance on global warming.

Do you think there are two mothers of insurgents having coffee in a Baghdad cafe, sharing photos of their sons?  I can picture one of them gazing at her friend’s pictures, shaking her head and saying, “Boy, they sure blow up fast.”

Be sure to check out the updated Photos page.  Click on the thumbnails and the picture should load.  Don’t get alarmed if it seems extremely large at first.  Once it is fully loaded, it will re-size to your screen.  I could probably find a way to fix this but I’m not Bill Gates and don’t have the time anymore to figure it out.  Imagine what I could do with no job and Photoshop.

By the way, my emachine windows 98 is running out of memory with all of the pictures.  You can help by donating a new Dell Computer from my Sponsorships page.

I don’t want to work.  I just want to bang on the drum all day.

Benny