Now I lay me down to sleep, so I can go to my new job tomorrow that I will not keep.

The day of reckoning is upon us.  I have to go to sleep at a decent hour tonight so I can get up at 7:00 AM and get ready for my first day in the new office.  I am disappointed at each and every one of you for making this happen.

I just watched the season premiere of Entourage which was well worth the wait.  If you don’t watch the show, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog; and be sure to Tivo “The View” tomorrow.

I heard someone earlier today say that killing Abu Musab  al-Aarqawi was not a good move for the US.  These people should also avoid reading this blog.  In fact, they should Tivo The View while watching re-runs of Weekends with Maury and Connie on MSNBC.  They are probably, Pro-Mad Cow Disease.  Frickin’ whack jobs.

Only five days remain to sponsor the “O. Weekend.”  Please go to the Sponsorship page on the website and pledge your money. 

I’m not paranoid.  It’s just that the entire world is against me.

Drivin’ that train,

Benny

Being a guy…  I can put on a swim suit and not care what others think of me.  Tell a buddy that his girlfriend has a sweet butt and then “high five” afterwards.  Drink 15 beers and consider them lunch and dinner. 

Where is Kate?

I returned from Cali yesterday, hoping to greeted by a new girl.  Instead, I was picked up by my ol’ buddy, Gary, who graicously  took me out for beers and pizza.  After a long week of work, I found myself home around 1AM.

Today, I went to the pool and drank half of the 30 Milwaukee Best purchased this morning.

I’m not going to fret about going back to work.  I  have realized that people are cheap, selfish pukes and do not care that I want to take off the entire summer.  I will be thinking of you cheap dill weeds on Monday morning when I go to the office.  I really hate working for someone else.  Why can’t I make a living drinking margaritas in Cali?  Why?  Because society will frown upon me and consider me a drunken lazy ass POS.

So, I am forced to awaken on Monday morning at a time I deem to be implorable.  I will go and meet complete strangers, shake their hand, and tell them how exited I am to be working with them.

You can help change my life’s direction by clicking the PayPal button on my homepage and make a donation.

Nacho Libre,

Benny

I realized something this morning.  I really don’t like people.  After a solid 4-hours of sleep, drunken sleep, I went to the free breakfast at the hotel.  There, I found myself surrounded by idiots. 

To the left was a table of four hillbillies who were conversing in a language I barely understood to be English.  The eldest spent 15 minutes cleaning his teeth with his pinky finger while making slurpy sounds. 

On the right was a table of Koreans, Chinese, or something.  They were speaking in their native language and probably complaining about how badly Americans drive.

Sitting at the table in front of me was one of the largest humans I have ever seen.  His plate was full of bacon and french toast.  I was forced to hold the USA Today  in a position that obstructed my view.

Thankfully, I sat in the back row so there was no one sitting behind me to make fun of.

Last night, I had drinks at an overpriced tourist bar on the beach (Mai Tai’s).  At 10:00 PM, I was talked into touring the Queen Mary.  It was interesting but I was more excited to see that the old lady had a bar.

I arrived back at the hotel around 11:30 and talked a few people into coming over to my room and help finish the 12-pack left in my refrigerator.  I finally got to sleep around 1:00.

Today should be interesting.  I have a presentation in front of the class at 10:30.  I vow it will be short and brief.  We were told to expect questions (objections) from our peers and I have a few one-liners prepared as  counter measures.

Tomorrow, I will plan to be back in my element.  Pool side with a cooler full of beers.

From a young G’s perspective,

Benny

This street sign is a half mile from my hotel in Long Beach.  They must think I’m stupid.

Today’s training consisted of having to learn a lot of new acronyms.  VAR, DOJ, DOD, blah, blah, blah.  I use two acronyms on a regular basis; BFD and STFU.  For example, “I don’t know what DOJ means so BFD.  How about a nice cup of STFU?”

After training, I went to the hotel happy hour and then ate dinner at In-N-Out Burger again.  My friend Jane called while I was eating and I told her I had bought a tee-shirt.  She wanted me to buy her one but I refused to order the extra small size she requested.  Jane said to explain to the order taker that I needed an extra small for my hot girlfriend.  I replied that if I told them the XS was for my girlfriend, they would think I was a pedophile.  Anyway, they didn’t have an extra small so she is getting  an “S”.

I saw a commercial on ESPN tonight for a men’s enhancement pill and ordered a free sample for a friend.  They are shipping the boner pills to his office.

I received an email today from someone who said they loved my bathroom humor.  I have decided to curtail my poop and pee comments for a while.  I don’t want to be typecast.

Scientology is going to sponsor a team in NASCAR.  Strategy for the first race?  Ram the Viagra car.

Two more days of training remain.  More importantly, two more days left in Cali.  Tomorrow night is going to be a party night.  Each of us has to give a presentation to the class the following day on Friday.  I can’t wait because I will be in front of the class and no one will be able to smell my breath.

Just let me know if you wanna go to that home out on the range.  They got a lot of nice girls.  Have mercy.  A haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw.  A haw, haw, haw.

Benny 

Fill her up, please…

I read there are around 8 million illegal Mexican immigrants in this country.  I think I saw at least half of them fishing off a pier last night.

The dinner last night was nice but ended up being a typical sales function where there are 20 guys in a room, demolishing an open bar and watching sports. 

Today’s training consisted of listening to three speakers present reasons why we should sell our software to their respective markets.  The second speaker of the day was an H-O-T woman and she got my V-O-T-E for the most interesting curriculum of the day.

I am heading over to the complimentary happy hour at the hotel and then dinner with a few of the other trainees. If I had a rental car, I think I would start ‘er up and suck on the exhaust pipe.

Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years.

Benny 

I need help; send money.

My first day of work in nearly three months began by being shuttled to the training facility at 8:30 AM. I signed in, and was handed my training manual and name tag. As I slowly pulled the name tag over my head and around my neck, I began to feel like a criminal taking a mug shot and the name tag was my inmate number.

The first half of the day was spent learning software that I had not heard of until last week. Lunch could not have come soon enough and we had Chinese food catered. All of the company employees were in line but were forced to wait for the trainees to load their plates before they were allowed to eat. One of them told me that we were more important but I think they were instructed to say that.

Panic struck around 3:30 as the Kung Pao Chicken I had for lunch “moved down a floor.” My district sales manager asked me if I needed a ride to the dinner tonight in downtown Long Beach. I told him I needed to go back to the hotel to take care of a few things and would catch a ride with one of my fellow trainees. I was already reaching for my belt as the shuttle pulled into the parking lot. I said my good-byes and rushed to the hotel room where Nirvana appeared in the form of a toilet seat and a USA Today.

I have to get ready for the dinner. It better include drinks. At least my room number is 711.

Here’s looking up your old address.

Benny

I was on the way to the beach yesterday and caught the Long Beach Transit #112 bus. About a mile down the road, I saw the sign in today’s picture and hit the button to stop. I enjoyed my Double-Double, and went back to the hotel.

Realizing, this would probably be my only day to get to the beach, I caught the #112 again and made it all the way this time.

It looks like I just missed the 25th annual Gay & Lesbian Long Beach Pride Fest. Damn, the luck.

I have to leave the hotel room for my first day of training. For those of you who don’t know, Daddy was forced to find work and is in Cali for a week of training. The Summer of Benny will continue, though. In fact, if I get $3k donated before the weekend, I will leave my new job faster than a Kennedy leaving a car accident.

Later.

Benny