Archive for July, 2006

Does anyone find themselves at work on Monday shaking and thinking they have bugs crawling on them because they are going through the DT’s after a weekend bender?

Me neither.

Thanks to Dave B. for sending me the following video. This is how Daddy would run a pool if he was a lifeguard.

The digital camera donated to SOB from Jane W. has broken. If anyone would like to see pictures of hot, young babes at the pool, please send me a replacement.

4 weeks ’til football.

Here’s the mug shot of Mel Gibson’s DUI arrest over the weekend. Damn, dude.

I hate to see the violence between Israel and Lebanon but it sure makes for good TV when I wake up in the morning.

Today was frickin’ hot. I was sweating like a lesbian eating a hot dog.

If homosexuality is genetic, how is it passed on?  I’m not judging, I’m just asking.

Read this article written by a woman who doesn’t like Entourage.

The sky is falling.

Benny

Usually, Daddy doesn’t post on the weekends because he is either too drunk or passed out. However, this morning I woke up, went to Church, and then to the store for margarita supplies. It’s good to be Catholic.

Michael O. from Las Vegas emailed this cool link to AT&T Labs. You type in words and a lady’s voice speaks them. I am seriously thinking about typing something nasty and “pounding one out” while she’s reciting the message back to me.

That would be no different than closing the shades during a Maria Sharapova match.

Tom d G said I look like the guy from Weekend at Bernie’s in the new home page pic. He actually asked me, “What was that guy’s name ?” I’m not sure, but I think it was Bernie. What do you expect from a guy whose favorite pickup line is, “You wanna go in halfsies on a bastard?”

Dani-girl emailed some new pictures so I’ll try to get them up this week. Heh, heh. I said get them up.

I got a call yesterday from a Jewish friend of mine. He was at a picnic and confronted with a huge dilemma; free ham.

Speaking of Jews, Jody C. should be on his way home from Springfield. Jody learned a valuable lesson this week. If you are hung over and don’t feel like making your 7AM flight, at least call the airline and let them know

Every time I talk to Abby at the pool, she looks down at her tits to see if they’re hanging out, or something. I think she really believes I am looking at her boobs. Acutally I am, but wearing sunglasses makes it okay. And by okay, I mean not awkward.I would love to sit here an type all day but it’s 5:00 somewhere.

Welcome to the Human Race.

Benny

I went to Parties in the Plaza tonight with Tom and Stocky Sean. A group of chicks thought I looked like Drew Carey. I think I look more like Fabio, but whatever. Life’s all about perception.

Don’t Fear the Reaper.

My neighbors, Becky and Katie, were at Parties. It was nice to get to know them after a year of solitude.

Floyd Landis has been accused of doping during his Tour De France win. Shocker. Cycling is more corrupt than Boxing.

I agree that sports should prohibit performance enhancing drugs. What I don’t understand, is Ricky Williams receiving a one-year suspension from the NFL for smoking weed. Those of you who have smoked pot know that it does not make you want to take a hand-off from a quarterback and run a sweep to the right until a 6’8″ defensive end cleans your clock. Give me a break. He’s was just chillin’ during the off-season.

MTV will celebrate its 25th Birthday next week. I started reminiscing about how much I loved this cable channel during my teen years. I don’t think the younger crowd understands how MTV operated during the early years. They had people called VJ’s and played music videos.

Jody C. is stuck in NJ and fantasizing about plugging Lance Bass’ tail pipe.

Dani-Girl emailed me a disgusting story about a friend of her’s who went to happy hour with her co-workers and one of them crapped his pants. I appreciate receiving ideas for the blog, but…

Thanks to TJ for emailing the link to a Jeremy Piven scene in “Highway”. I’ve never heard of the movie but I will seek it out, now.

Thanks to Mike K. for sending me this unbelievable footage from Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Guys, I love the sound but I’m telling you; you’re gonna want that cow bell.

Benny

I never heard a song his boy band “played” but Lance Bass came out of the closet today to let the World know he is a turd burglar.  If I’m not mistaken, this is the same guy that said he wanted to go into outer space (insert Rocket Joke here). 

Jody C. heard the news about Ass Bass this morning and called me to say, “So, your telling me there’s a chance.” 

Turds of a feather…

My apologies to Scott B. from Columbia, MO. I failed to mention that he emailed the link to the Butt Rocket video yesterday.

Niro called today with the following philosophy on life; “Fat people are fat because they eat fat.”

Al Sharpton is fat. 

“Black man trying to break in my house again.  Thought he got off the dope; doing time in the Pen.  Even though my brothers do me just like that.  I get a lot of love, so I’m givin’ it back to the ghetto.” – Too Short

One World.

Benny

Well, it was bound to happen but Al Sharpton was in town protesting outside Ameren UE Headquarters.  He pulled up in a Black BMW sedan that stayed parked in the street while he addressed the media.  He called for rollback rates because of hardships customers suffered during the recent blackouts.

He also accused Ameren UE of restoring power to higher income neighborhoods before poorer parts of the area.  “One thing about living in a mansion or a housing project-it all looks the same in the dark,” Sharpton said.

Whatever.

Look, I’m the first person to complain about utility companies but this was an unforeseen disaster.  Actually, I think Ameren UE has done a great job responding to the crisis.  What has been called, “The worst storm in St. Louis in 100 years” is going to be cleaned up within a couple of weeks.  

I haven’t heard any mention of the great job done by local and state governments.  They immediately called in the National Guard because they were, “worried about the heat and its effect on the elderly and other vulnerable people.”

Benny’s Translation – “We called in the National Guard because we were worried about a bunch of idiots looting the city like the country saw during the Katrina disaster.”

Sadly, an Ameren UE employee was killed today and a contractor injured around the same time Sharpton was delivering his rhetoric.  Here’s an idea; get a new hairdo and leave St. Louis the f**k alone.  We will be fine, and if I ever see you protesting in the middle of Highway 40, forgive me for not reaching the brake pedal in time.

If you haven’t seen the Butt Rocket video, please do.  I weep for the future.

Thanks to Leo K. for emailing the Worst calls in sports history from ESPN.  Number 1?  The 1985 World Series.  I think he was safe. 

My pick for the worst call in history happened the same year.  A Tri Sig took me to a sorority dance and afterwards I was coerced by one of her sisters to leave the post-party and go back to her dorm room.  When I returned from duty, my date had gone home with someone else.  The girl I banged was an ugly whore and the one I missed was H-O-T.  The worst call in Benny History. 

A jockey in England head-butted a horse after a race last weekend.  I emphasize with the little guy because there have been plenty of horses over the years I would have loved to head-butt.

I hate acronyms and received the following email today from Dani-Girl: 

“SOB (summer of benny), Are u going to PAP on thurs. even though it will be HTL (hotter than hell) and everyone will be SB (sweating bullets) in their WA (work attire). I am sure after PAP the DSOB’s (drunk sons of bitches) will file into TWS (train wreck saloon) and continue to be DOTA (drunk off their ass) until LC (last call) at which point the HS (hot spot) will be DD (drunken Dennys).  Too bad JC (jody c) will not be here to ESLAT (eat strangers leftovers at tables) since he will be in DJ (dirty jersey), I guess SOL for JC. WORD.”

AMF.

Benny

What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife tells you to buy Viagra and a Jewish wife tells you to buy Pfizer.

I heard this one on the radio this morning – A guy looking for a job has never been a morning person. He finally receives a job offer and was told he could start at 8AM on Monday. He asked what time could he start on Tuesday.

If you see a husky man with a perfect head of hair digging through dumpsters for food, it’s just a friend of ours so flip him a few bucks. This way he can eat and still make his trip to Vegas in August.

I’ll be what I am.

Benny

Thanks to Lionel H. from Adena, OH for the donation to the Summer of Benny.

Thanks to Leo and Sheri for the snacks last night.

I’ve received a few emails in response to yesterday’s post on not letting the gay dude cut my hair.  Most of them say that I am homophobic.  The truth is that I am a homophobe.  Hell, I use a knife and fork to eat a corn dog.

I know a lot of people have been suffering in the wake of the storm that blew through town.  As of this morning 270,000 people are still without electricity.  The good news is that my office is one of the 270k, giving me a 4-day weekend.

During the blackout on Wednesday, I drank wine with a few neighbors and the topic of politics came up late in the evening.  Someone, who shall remain nameless, posed this question to me – Do you think 9/11 would have happened if Bush wasn’t in office?

My response was this – The same towel head nut jobs tried to blow up the World Trade Center in 1993 when BJ Bill was in office.  They do not care if the President is a Republican or Democrat.  They want us all dead.  I don’t know why this is so hard for some people to understand.

Internet Porn has made me left-handed.

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

Benny

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