After a lost weekend, hearing the alarm on Monday morning is not fun.  This post will be brief as I have to get ready for work and by the sounds my stomach is making, will also include a trip to the toilet.

Friday Night, Tory K. donated a 10th row ticket to the Goo Goo Dolls and Counting Crows show.  The Dolls were okay but CC were horrible.  I’ve always had the upmost respect for their lead singer because any guy who has slept with both Courtney Cox and Jennifer Anniston is alright by me.  However, he was drunker than 10 Indians so we left before the first set ended.  That allowed enough time to get to the Trainwreck (bar) where we closed it down.

Saturday was spent pool side, but I started with Margaritas.  I had drank enough beer the day before and had to try something else.  That night, I went to Hooters to watch the Ultimate Fighting Championships.  I’m sure the alcohol played a role, but I got into an altercation with Tom dG.  For those of you who don’t know, Tom is a body builder and I am a fat drunk.  That being said, my cat like reflexes could have posed an unforseen problem for him had he decided to pursue the situation.  That would have been ultimate.

I had planned to take it easy on Sunday but that faded quickly when I saw a bunch of people at the pool.  Sunday was spent the same as Saturday which is why this morning is not fun.

I’ll get back to a regular posting routine tonight. 

Daddy’s drunk.

Benny

This is the last song I heard in the car this morning, and it kept going through my head until lunch.  Circus life, under the big top…

Later in the day, Matt M. called me and I began to complain about having to be Bill Gates to figure out the new software I’m selling.  I told him that I was thankful for being more computer savvy than most of my friends.  He equated this to being the tallest midget, or the smartest 2nd grader.  Good talk.

I’ve got some great news.  I just saved a bunch of money by not paying my car insurance.

Why do utility companies advertise?  I saw a television commercial last night for Ameren UE, our local electric company.  I thought to myself, why in the F**K are they advertising?  They have no competition.  Their 30-second spot explained how they are working hard to keep our rates down.  Here’s an idea, stop producing meaningless television ads, and disperse that money back to your customers.  It’s not like we have a choice of who we’re going to pay when the air conditioning is running 24/7.

Merriam-Webster announced a sampling of the 100 words added to their dictionary in 2006.  I stopped using this nimrod site after they added, “bling-bling” but failed to include “bitch slap.”

So just chill, till the next episode…

Benny

Let me make something perfectly clear - If you are parking cars at a crowded event and want me to follow your instructions, straighten your baseball cap and pull your shorts up so I don’t have to see your underwear.  Until then, STFU and I’ll park where I want.  Got that, Vanilla Ice?

I was going through some childhood videos over the weekend.  Here’s my favorite.

My friend Jody C. says that he knows a lot of people who work out at Bally’s but he prefers Arby’s. 

Thanks to the funny people at The Onion, here’s a story about Starbucks opening a new store in the rest room of an existing Starbucks.

Atlantic City, NJ closed all of their casinos today after the state was unable to agree on a budget.  A casino representative said this could cost the industry as much as $20 Million a day.  Lou, a compulsive black jack player from Newark, said he should be able to save around $1,200 a week during the shut down.

If you have 10 minutes to burn, here’s a funny video of Triumph the Insult Dog insulting nerds at a Star Wars 2 premiere.

If your Aunt had balls, she’d be your Uncle.

Benny

And by pair of boobs, I mean knockers, jugs, cans.  Late in the evening, a chick at the pool decided to take hers out.  Every guy loves to see breasts and a bad day turns around quickly when a hot chick shows you hers.  The only time this situation can suck is when the girl doing the flashing is your girl.

Why does every foreigner seem like there up to something?  I am all for racial profiling.  It’s a simple lesson we all learned in kindergarten; a few people ruin it for the rest of us.  Feel free to correct me but I’m pretty certain that every act of terrorism committed globally in the last ten years was perpetrated by a Muslim male between the ages of 18-25.  Assuming this is correct, why does my Grandma get stripped searched at the airport while Mohammed and Aalim skip through the terminal with a pocket full of lighters? 

Today’s post is brief because I need to begin the final day of a 4-day weekend (bender).  Besides, it’s probably best I stop typing based on the mood I’m in.  I’d probably end up offending some people.

Riders on the Storm.

Benny

Today’s picture is a good example of why you shouldn’t cook after a day of drinking.  The instructions said to cook at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes.  I’m guessing this was in there a little over 4oo minutes.  Note that I also cooked the cardboard. 

Why am I still single?

I was talking to some folks yesterday that said they never watch the weather because it’s wrong most of the time.  I said I enjoy it when they forecast a huge blizzard and everyone rushes to the store to buy milk and bread.  I told them that I go to the store for essentials too - beer and rolling papers.  They walked away.

I took my first vacation day at the new job.  No one else is working today so why should I?  Actually, I called this morning and told them I wouldn’t be coming in today.  I think it’s important to let me people know who you are and what makes you tick.  If I didn’t do stuff like call in and ask for a day off after a month of employment, I could me unfairly characterized as a self-motivated, hard-working employee. 

I went down to the new Busch Stadium on Saturday and saw the Cards lose to the Royals for the second night in a row.  I learned a great scam from a ticket taker that is sure to get a lot of free beer at stadiums across the country.  I will share this info with anyone who sends me a $100.  The ROI is incredible.

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

Benny 

Why do cyclists dress like Lance Armstrong when they ride?  Why do they ride the busiest streets during rush hour?  I passed two of these dill weeds this morning.  They weren’t riding together but I’m sure they gave each other some kind of gay sign language as the crossed paths.  I would feel differently if they were riding their bikes to work but 99% of these butt munchers are just going for a ride on a crowded street at 7:30 in the morning for the hell of it.  

NBA player, Eddie Griffin, was watching porn and drunk before he crashed his luxury SUV earlier this year.  Someone actually saw him get out the wreckage and walk down the street, stroking his meat.  Why can’t this guy act like the rest of the NBA and have a different biatch in every town?

A judge in Oklahoma was convicted of using a penis pump during a murder trial.  Thanks to the NBA pervert and this moron, all of a sudden my life seems normal.

Years ago, I lost a large wager on an NBA game.  Trying to console me, Rocky the used truck salesman said, “I know how you feel.  I’ve quit the drinking and I’ve quit the cocaine but that gambling is a hard lady to leave.”  Good talk.

How long will I have to see the stupid Ford commercial with that grey-haired dude from American Idol?

Since you’ve been gone.

Benny