Archive for August, 2006

STFU

CBS put Katie Couric on the Photoshop Diet.  I bet Rosie O’Donnell just bought an ass-load of Adobe stock.

Thanks to Dave B. for emailing this funny video of women lying about their weight

Have you ever been on a date and “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison comes on, and the chick you’re with says, “This is my song”?  Yeah, I’m sure he had you in mind when he wrote it.

Man, I’m feeling like a hater, player.  Changing gears, take a look at Jane W.’s photo album from Nelly’s Black and White Ball.  It looks like she had fun but I would have probably gotten my ass kicked.

GM decided to end its sponsorship of “Survivor,” but said it had nothing to do with the recent news that this year’s contestants will be separated by race.  Yeah, right.  I’m anxious to see how this is going to affect the sales of Cadillac Escalades.

Thanks to Scott B. for emailing the Best Country Song Ever.

I can’t remember a time when I heard more stories about toilets. 

First, CNN’s Kyra Phillips forgets to turn off her microphone when she goes to the crapper during a speech by President Bush.  Instead of hearing The President talk about the 1-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, viewers were subjected to her restroom rant about her family with the chick in the next stall.  Can you spare a square?

Then, I read an article about a pilot locking himself out of the cockpit, 30-minutes from landing, after he made a trip to the sh-tter.  WTF?

The bottle was dusty but the liquor was clean.

Benny

Reefer

I took the day off to join a women’s rights rally.

Tom d G, Crowe Dog, Stocky Sean, Dan, and other fellow degenerates, spent last weekend partying in the desert.  Tom said that being in Las Vegas with the Crowe Dog was like watching a 3-year old chasing a balloon next to a cliff.  You just hope to catch him in time.  

Realizing the Dog is sensitive, I found the perfect t-shirt for him. 

Football season is almost here, and I miss Leon.

The Bong Hits 4 Jesus case may be heard by the U.S. Supreme Court.  This was the first I had heard of the story but it sounds like something I would have done in high school.

Law enforcement officials found a dozen marijuana plants growing outside a West Duluth, MN police substation.  Man, just weeks from harvest.

Cuz we gonna lay around the shanty, mama.  And, put a good buzz on.

Benny

School

Go, Trojans! 

Since most students are back in school, I thought it would be worthwhile to read Hugh Gallagher’s College Admission Essay again.  This is one of the first things I remember seeing on the internet, other than porn, and is the actual admission letter he sent to colleges.  I still quote lines from it today.

You know you’ve been watching too much TV when you hear that Hurricane Ernesto is heading for Florida, and this is the first thing that comes to mind.  Put on headphones if you’re around someone who may be offended.  Also, be sure to make fun of that person later.

The charges against John Mark Karr were dropped by the Boulder County District Attorney after his DNA didn’t match the evidence found at the crime scene.  This psychopath should spend 50 years in prison just for lying about killing JonBenet Ramsey, and an additional 10 for wearing his pants so high.  WTF?

Elton John says his next record will be Hip-Hop.  Sorry, but I didn’t believe this guy singing, “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting.”  Now, he’s going to rap about popping a cap in someone’s ass?  Okay, I might believe that one.

Great highlights from Monday Night Football

What’s your favorite subject?  Poetry, really?  Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

Benny

Microsoft, McDonalds, Mercedes, Coca-Cola, Vinnie Chase, Summer of Benny…

Jeremy Piven won the Emmy for Best-Supporting Actor in a Comedy.  Making the point that he is only a piece of the puzzle, he said, “I’m billed fifth behind a guy named Turtle–remember that.”

You know it’s the day after a Hollywood awards show when all the morning programs have a gay guy critiquing the evening attire worn by female celebrities.  Who frickin’ cares?

I can’t stand people who cover their walls with Successory pictures.  Here’s art that’s more my speed.

Is there a sweeter feeling, besides the obvious, than waking in the middle of the night, looking at the clock to see, “4:47″, and suddenly realizing it’s Saturday? 

It took a couple of days to update the site.  The weekend… well, you know the drill.

Benny

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is in hot water for a 60 Minutes piece scheduled to air this Sunday.  When asked why his city seemed slow in its rebuilding efforts, he said, “That’s alright. You guys in New York can’t get a hole in the ground fixed and it’s five years later. So let’s be fair.”

I’m not racist, but this joke is.  What’s the one word you never want use to describe a black man?  Hint – It starts with the letter, “N” (answer embedded below).

While we’re on the subject, the new season of Survivor will separate contestants by race.

How did we ever get by without PhotoShop?

What if I told you that Entourage was being sued?  Would that be something you’d be interested in?

Talladega Nights – The Ballad of Ricky Bobby  is auctioning (Neighbor) items from the movie on eBay.

Don’t tell me this town ain’t got no heart. You just gotta poke around.

Benny

One of the all-time greatest lines from a movie.

Funny scene from 80’s TV.

The Five Most Obviously Drug Fueled TV Appearances Ever.

I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often.

Very Funny Ads from TBS.  I haven’t seen all of them so I can’t vouch for their funniness.

The Beloit College Mindset List helps faculty relate to incoming freshman. 

I love to work at nothing all day.

Benny

Risky

Here’s a chick that can’t stand being away from the Summer of Benny.

Paramount Pictures has severed its ties with Tom Cruise.  Apparently, jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch and demeaning Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants caught up with him. 

Why is Scientology against medications, anyway?  Viagra, for example, has helped a lot of men’s sex lives.  I’ve never had a problem pitching a tent but I asked my Doc for a 6-pack sample, just in case.  He told me I wouldn’t realize the full affect until the third dose.

Dose 1: Called a girl I was dating and told her to come over with bad intentions.  The medicine was okay but I really didn’t notice a difference.  However, I did sit on the couch and giggle while waiting for it to kick in.

Dose 2: Same girl; drunk night (i.e. don’t remember).

Dose 3: Same girl; fight night.  We had gotten into an argument over the weekend which was entirely her fault.  Anyway, the week passed and she came over Friday evening.  She was going out of town the next morning and we both agreed it would be nice to see each other.  As the night progressed (i.e. wine consumed), I noticed her chuckling at a few of my wise ass comments.  I translated this to mean the fight was over and a night (minutes) of passion was on the horizon; my mistake.

I popped a boner pill around 9:30 PM.  At 9:50, she informed me that she was going to bed and went to brush her teeth.  There I am, standing behind her in the mirror, brushing my own.  I followed her to bed and was asked what the hell my problem was.  I tried multiple moves but to no avail.  She fell asleep and I was in for a long night.  At 4:30 in the morning, I thought I was going to have to stand on my head to pee.

She awoke Saturday morning to find me staring at her (think Burger King commercial).  I made a confession and she called me an idiot.  Idiot or not, I was still sporting wood and needed to get the poison out.  A few minutes of negotiation yielded me doing all of the work while she whispered dirty words in my ear.  Deal.

I spent a couple of hours at the pool last night with two couples in their mid-20s.  The subject of sex came up and I asked “JR” if his lady had ever caught him boxing the bald-headed champ.  I didn’t expect the onslaught of comments from his girlfriend who detailed specific incidents as recently as last weekend. 

Porsche – There is no substitute.

Benny

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