Mondays are usually reserved for hangovers and writing about a weekend bender.  However, my niece and nephew were in town for their semi-annual stay with their Uncle Benny.  I consumed no beer but we enjoyed ice cream for breakfast, visiting St. Louis landmarks and making up songs about poop.

A couple of funny stories from their visit…

Driving towards downtown to the City Museum, the kids were in the back waving at passing cars and trying to get 18-wheelers to honk their horns.  As we got closer to the city (i.e. the hood), a Pontiac Grand Prix with 2 black male occupants (i.e. suspects) passed us.  Seeing my niece wave, the passenger gave her the finger.  She said she was getting out of the waving business.

Leaving downtown, I decided to take them to the root beer factory in U City and drove the side streets in lieu of the highway.  About halfway there, my nephew asked why St. Louis looked like it had been in a war.  I didn’t know how to answer the question without sounding racist so I pointed toward a funny sign and changed the subject.

Moving on…

Here’s a video from my golf tournament.  Actually, Chuck H. emailed this to me.  Please don’t try this at home.  These guys were obviously crocked.

I stumbled across liquorsnob.com while surfing the internet last week.  I found it while searching for rumors about President Bush drinking again.  BetCRIS.com is actually taking bets on the rumors.  “W” entering rehab is listed at 40-1.

If you don’t start drinking, I’m gonna leave.

Benny

Britney Spears appears in a home video acting stoned, belching, and babbling about how time travel is possible, among other things.  I still think she’s hot.

Fellow moocher, Screech, got into an altercation with a woman in his hotel room in Omaha.  Apparently, the woman broke into his room and he restrained her until security arrived. 

Something similar happened to me a few years ago in San Diego.  Around 3:00 in the morning, I woke to hear a woman screaming, scratching, and trying to kick down the door.  After while, I finally said, “Fu-k it”, and let her out.

Looking for a gift for that special someone?  Get them a personalized bottle of Heinz Ketchup. 

The towel heads arrested yesterday in the UK had planned to blow up several airplanes in mid-air on August 16th. 

The Wall Street Journal has reported that Iran may unleash a “cataclysmic event” on August 22nd.  This day is somehow symbolic in the Muslim religion but I’ll be honest and say I really don’t give a sh-t. 

60 Minutes will air a recent Dan Rather interview with the Iranian President this Sunday.  Rather reportedly refers to him as a ‘reasonable’ man, goes goo goo over his civil engineering degree, and says Iran is hopeful for peace with the West.  Dan is being used as a pawn again.  I hope he had time visit Saddam during his visit. 

Camel jockeys.

Oops, I did it again.

Benny

I was behind a car this morning with a license plate that read, “Aunt Vi”, or something close.  As I began to pass, I imagined the occupant to be an overweight woman, in her mid-30′s, single, and living with three cats.  I was able to verify the first two and probably had the others correct, as well.

When you have a personalized license plate, not only are you telling the world something about yourself, you are also saying, “Hello.  I am a dill weed.”

The same is true for bumper stickers.  Things like, “AAA”, are acceptable but others make me scratch my head in amazement.  I have seen stickers that read, “I brake for beer.”  Great, you enjoy beer.  What it should say is, “If you are a cop, and it’s late at night, you might want to pull me over.” 

If I drove a lot when I was drunk, I would have two things on my bumper; a Jesus Fish and a Rainbow sticker, just in case the Cop was a homo.

I’m sure everyone has heard about the thwarted terrorist attack this morning in the UK.  At least 21 people, mostly of Pakistani descent, have been arrested.  One reporter said that Bush and Blair have been discussing this investigation for a month.  I’m just glad the NY Times or Washington Post didn’t get wind of it.

Robin Williams has entered rehab after he found himself drinking again.  I find this ironic because just last month, he was making fun of Rush Limbaugh and his battle with addiction.  I have never thought Robin Williams was very funny but this story is. 

Nanoo, nanoo.

Benny

Did Derick Jeter and Mariah Carey have a kid? 

I added a few photos to the website tonight.  Thanks, Dani-girl.

Check out this letter from the NY Yankees to Mickey Mantle.  If this is authentic, his reply is frickin’ hilarious.  – Thanks, Mike K.

Here’s a funny Audio File.  It’s a horse race but I wouldn’t listen to it at work. – Thanks, Chuck H.

This is a bit long, but funny.  It shows how an office would be run if a linebacker kept the employees in line – Thanks, Mike F.

This is one bad ass dog.  -Thanks, Doug O.

Benny

I was in charge of cups at this year’s picnic.

If you ever owe the IRS, don’t write, “Put it on my tab” on your tax return.  Apparently, they don’t think this is funny.

With the football season right around the corner, I thought it might be refreshing to see the Joe Namath sideline interview with Suzy Kolber.  Daddy’s drunk.

The Red Man emailed the The 10 Best Will Ferrell Skits of All-Time. 

The Arlington, TX school board has banned cleavage, beginning with the upcoming school year.  What a bunch of BS.  They have effectively voted to ruin the education experience for thousands of teenage boys.  If there was ever a time for protest, this is it.  I’ll make the signs.

Are you kidding?  I am Queen’s Boulevard.

Benny

Here’s how the weekend went down; Saturday – teed off in the Westacott tournament at 1:00; drunk by hole #3; returned to G-Man’s house around 9:00; drank until the sun came up; slept from 7:00 - 10:30; went home; slept again from 11:00 – 3:30; went to the pool; took an hour to finish first beer; went to Casa at 6:00 to eat Mexican food; back home at 7:30; fought to stay awake until 9:00 to watch Entourage; fell asleep during the closing credits.

You know it’s going to be a long Monday when you’ve been on the toilet 4 times before Noon and have the shakes.

I once lived with a chick that drank excessively and loved to argue.  One night, she ran out of the house after a shouting match.  I followed her to the driveway carrying a broom and shouted, “Hey!  You forgot your car.”  The relationship didn’t last much longer.

Nobody loves me but my Mama, and she could be jivin’, too.

Benny

Today is the annual Eric Westacott Foundation Golf Tournament so I won’t be able to post again until Sunday or Monday.  Which day is dependent solely on beer consumption.

Below is my horoscope for today.  I was digging it until the last part because I will be with a bunch of guys.  And by guys, I mean homos. 

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) ***** Your instincts direct your actions. Friends support your creativity and imagination. Find friends or go where the crowd is if you want to smile the day away. Tonight: A friendship could be developing into more. Decide on what you want.

“The best ball I hit all day was when I stepped on a sand rake.” – Benny