Archive for September, 2006

Dirty

Man, I am hungover today. Last night, I went to the Cardinals game with a group of people. Afterwards, a few of us went to the bars.  I remember everything up to the point when we started doing shots.  After that, nothing.  I woke up in a hotel room and have no idea how I got there.

Anyway, I left the hotel room and headed to the train stop.  It was 6:30 AM and I needed to get home and get ready for work. 

I didn’t see a machine to purchase tickets so I hopped on the next train without paying.  I watched a black woman walk past 8 fellow African-Americans only to stop next to me and ask (ax) for my ticket.

I explained that I could not find a ticket machine and she forced me off the train at the next stop. 

While she was writing the ticket, I expressed my curiosity as to how she managed to walk past 8 black people without asking (axing) for their tickets. 

She denied my accusation and I asked (axed) if this was her way of sticking it to “Whitey.” 

She then asked (axed) if I thought I was funny.  I replied, “Yes, actually.  I do think I’m funny.”

I took the ticket and scanned it for my own personal amusement.  I guess I’ll pay the fine.  Otherwise, I’d end up dealing with the Po Po.

Stackin money all on the low and we still ridin dirty pimpin.

Benny

Live and learn.

A couple of nights ago, I wanted to see how WordPress software publishes blogs.  I downloaded the software and noticed they had an import tool to automatically extract entries from my Blogger.com account.  This seemed reasonable so I navigated my way through the wizard until the import was completed.

The next day, I noticed their software had hijacked my Blogger account.  My Blogger homepage contained a message stating my site was currently unavailable but provided a link to the WordPress site, just in case anyone wanted to use another blogging software; theirs. 

I fixed this problem by changing the template but another problem remained.  The WordPress software had stripped the html code from 90% of my posts.  This removed all line breaks and almost every post appeared as one, huge ass paragraph.  How did I fix that?  By spending three hours copying entries from my Yahoo blog and pasting them back into Blogger.

What a bunch of bullshit.

Anyway, the site addresses haven’t changed, so keep reading my stupid shit wherever you have in the past.

7-Eleven is dropping CITGO as its gas supplier.  They said their decision has nothing to do with CITGO being owned by the government of Valenzuela and their ranting president, Hugo Chavez.  I don’t believe that, but it’s nice to see a large corporation taking a stance.  Too bad the closest one to me is owned by a possible sleeper cell.

I came across a website that lists the top 10 songs most likely playing when you were conceived.  I don’t want to think about how I was conceived.  Thinking about your parents getting it on is not cool.  I would be fine if I found out I was adopted and my mom and dad were just really good friends.

I lost my virginity to Becky E. in the backseat of my Chevy Monza while listening to “The Stroke” by Billy Squier.  She enjoyed every possible kind of sex.  This led me to believe that all girls were like that.  I won’t get into details but my next few girlfriends were in for quite a surprise.

Rikki don’t lose that number.

Benny

Dustin ”Screech” Diamond in a sex video?  The article states that he participates in a threesome (the good kind), and offers up a Dirty Sanchez.  C’mon.  The video title is reportedly, “Saved by the Smell.”  I’m going to the bathroom and puke.

Have you ever asked a girl for her phone number, only to be coldly rejected in plain view of your buddies?

Me neither.

I don’t know if Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens was trying to commit suicide last night, or not.  I’m sure there will be other sides to this story but here’s the police report.

I’ve never tried to kill myself but I once considered cutting off my arm after I woke up and saw the chick lying on it.

I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record.

Benny

Chaos

There are numerous examples of chaos. 

One is dealing with customer service at large companies.

Another is CHAOS – Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome because your house is a shit hole.

A third example is trying to understand the Vietnamese woman who just backed into your car.

I was fortunate to experience all three within the last 24 hours. 

I was on the phone for 90 minutes with my web hosting company.  I realize that I’m not Bill Gates but I’m smart enough to know that closing and re-opening a program seven times is not going to fix the problem. 

I was going to clean last night, seriously I was, but the lengthy phone call got in the way.  Cleaning is now on tonight’s schedule, along with consuming a 12-pack, and calling ex-girlfriends.

The Vietnamese lady was a classic.  She backs into my parked car and leaves.  I didn’t witness this but the guys from Laclede Gas working in front of my office did, and came inside to tell me. 

I called the police and before they arrived, she returned.  She had taken her Mom to an appointment.  I explained that there are laws in America about leaving the scene of an accident.  She just smiles, hands me her insurance card and says, “You take card now.” 

Miraculously, she had insurance.  Something you don’t often find in the city.  Her brother arrived as an interpreter and I actually felt sorry for her as she seemed nice; just out of place. 

I called my insurance broker who is also a friend.  He told me to call her insurance company and open a claim.  An adjustor is going to call me this afternoon and I’m thinking about parlaying a new power antenna into the deal.  “Hey, it worked fine until your client backed into my car.” 

That frickin’ thing hasn’t worked since the day I bought it.  Another example of chaos; buying a car.

It’s nice to have friends who are insurance agents, attorneys, and accountants.  Although, I don’t think I could go to a Doctor who was also a friend.  It might be awkward running into him at a bar, knowing he once had a rubber glove up my ass.

Me so horny.  Me love you long time.

Benny

Over the weekend, I overheard a guy ask a grocery store employee if she “was working hard or hardly working.”  This got me to thinking.  Why not implement a Stupidity Tax and fine people $10 for saying something stupid? 

The guy in the grocery store should have been fined $10. 

Here are other examples that would constitute the $10 Stupidity Tax:

*  Did you get a hair cut?  No, I got them all cut. – Cha Ching-$10.

*  Is today the 25th?  All day long.  Cha Ching-$10.

*  Anyone who says, “you know what I’m saying” at the end of a sentence.  Cha Ching-$10.  Most rappers would be broke within a year if this is enforced.

*  The Mother of all stupid quotes occurs in late December.  It will usually come from a co-worker as they leave the office for their Christmas Vacation; “See you next year.”  Cha Ching-$10.

Obviously, there are more stupid quotes that would be taxable, but this is a starting point.

On the topic of stupidity tax, a Powerball ticket worth $200M was sold at a Kum & Go in Fort Dodge, IA.

Kum & Go?  That was my nickname in college.

Benny

Endless

Summer officially ends minutes after midnight but I’ve decided to keep the Summer of Benny alive.  The dream of spending a summer mooching off strangers is gone.  However, acting like an idiot and excessive drinking are not dependent on a season. 

This headline is too easy.

Here’s a picture of Willie’s pot.  The recent bust makes Toby Keith seem kind of prophetic.

Staying with the weed theme, here’s a traveler’s guide to getting high.  You click on a city and they show you current prices, local marijuana laws, and good places to buy it.  I guess it’s like a MapQuest for stoners. 

Cracked.com has the The 5 Most Ineffective Anti-Drug PSAs of All Time.

Meet Sarah.  She is a 29-year old virgin and hopes to lose her virginity by her 30th birthday in November.  Sweet.

This guy shoots flames out of his ass.

Office pranks are chic again with Liquid ASS.

Going to the ball game but money’s tight?  Get the Beerbelly.

If you enjoy live concerts, check out this site to download entire shows.  It’s free and legal.  Dig it.

MAXIM online has a slideshow of TV’s sexiest news anchors.  I don’t know who the #1 chick is but she is smokin’.

It’s late September and I really should be back at school.

Benny

My bro called this morning to let me know about a contest to become a radio personality on a morning show in KC.

The winner will be determined by votes so I’ll let you know if they upload my crap to their site. 

I sent the picture from my home page, Track 10 from Radio Benny, and the essay below:

I almost ruined the career of a disc jockey when he had me on his show.  You can listen to the entire hour by visiting my website http://summerofbenny.com/Radio_Benny.html

Years ago, Tanna kicked me off the stage at a comedy club.  I drank Jim Beam to calm my nerves and forgot my material.  I wonder if she remembers me.  Good times.

I set two personal goals for myself in life.  One of them was to become a radio personality and winning this contest would help me achieve that.  The other was to join the Mile High Club which I did last year; by myself.

Sometimes when I poop, my butt gets splashed which causes the toilet paper to get wet. When I wipe, my hand goes through the paper and if no one is around, I smell it.

Are you kidding?  I am Queens Boulevard.

Benny

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