It was difficult getting through work yesterday. The five-year anniversary of 9/11 was part of the reason.  The fact I drank for 12 hours the previous day was also a factor.

I recorded the replay of the 9/11 Today Show on MSNBC yesterday and watched it more than the double-header of Monday Night Football.  Strange but true.  I’ve been waiting to see a replay of the day, as it happened.  It took only a few hours before Andrea Mitchell of NBC mentioned Osama bin Laden. 

Is Al-jazeera a 24-hour jazz station?

9/11 changed life for all Americans.  Since that day, every time I go to Arrowhead Stadium, I span the crowd for diaper heads wearing winter coats.  I haven’t seen any, but I did kick the ass of a Raider fan last year.

How crazy is it that I get excited to see gas under $2.30 a gallon?  Hell, how crazy is that I write about my poop once a week?

Let’s be honest, if it wasn’t for oil, we probably wouldn’t pay much attention to the Middle East.  I am going to apply for a federal grant to study the possibility of using human urine as fuel.  Think about that for a second.  The supply would never be depleted.  If your car runs out of fuel, just pull to the side of the road and fill ‘er up.  There would have to be a special adaptor for women and Driving Under the Influence arrests may increase.  But, it could work.

Only in America – 9/11 Tributes one day; Dancing with the Stars the next.

Looks like someone had a case of the Mondays.

Benny

A brief recap of the weekend is below and I’ll write more tonight with thoughts and antidotes about people I can’t stand.

Friday Night
After calling it a day around 3:00, I drank a few beers at the pool before heading to the airport.  Got into KC around 9:00 and hung out with the nieces and nephew.

Saturday
The day began by watching my 9-year old nephew play in his first tackle football game.  I am convinced I would have scored every time I touched the ball but t,he coach wouldn’t put me in. 

Afterwards, I went to the white trash capital of America, Wal-Mart, and bought some deodorant.  Thanks to the towel heads, you can’t carry a stick of deodorant on an airplane.  This probably doesn’t affect them as much as us because they don’t wear any.

I spent Saturday night grilling and having dinner with the family.  I received 3 calls after midnight which made me hunt down my cell phone and finally turn it off.

Sunday
I got to Arrowhead around 8:00 AM, popped my first beer, and returned the calls from the previous night.  Surprisingly, no one answered my call. 

I tailgated with brother Dave, Bob, Kyle, Shelly, and Marilyn until 11:15.  By then, it was time to get into the stadium for the first game of the year.

I apologized to the douche bag in our section for hip checking him into the crowd at last year’s final game.  I bought a beer for $8.25 and got to my seat. 

After watching the first half, I was ready to hip check the douche bag again but instead chose to buy another $8.25 beer and go see Wiley and Red who were sitting a few sections down from me. 

The second half came and so did the rain.  I watched Trent Green get carried off the field on a stretcher after receiving an illegal hit that didn’t draw a penalty flat.  Whatever.  The Chiefs lost 23-10 and their starting Quarterback.  Just a start to another typical year of football in KC.

I was driven to the airport after the game and honestly don’t remember going through security or the flight itself.  Tom d G picked me up from the airport and we went back to his house where a few people were watching the night game.  I purchased a porn movie on Tom’s cable account which really came in handy during the commercials.  I got a ride home around 10:45 and called it a night. 

Monday Morning
I’m writing this at work wondering if I’ll ever win the lottery.

If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a monkey.  Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?

Benny

Dear Paris, 

I am sorry I rushed to judgment before I knew the facts.  I believe you only had one margarita at the charity event.  I dig the fact you were driving just because you wanted an In-N-Out burger.  You are A-Okay with me, and I loved your home movie.  You are obviously a very talented girl.  I am behind you 100%.

Yours truly,
Benny

Kevin Connolly from Entourage is dating Paris’ sister, Nicky?  Nice job, E.

Last night, I walked into the gym at my clubhouse.  I didn’t workout; I just needed to pee after drinking five beers.  There was a guy on the exercise bike watching a “Friends” rerun.  I told him there was an NFL game on NBC but he said he wanted to watch the episode of Friends.  What a homo.

Did anyone watch the Kick-Off Special on NBC before the game?  The performing artists were Diddy, featuring Cassie (whoever the f**k that is), Rascal Flatts, and Martina McBride.  The latter two did an acceptable job singing.  Diddy and Cassie danced around like a circus act while lip syncing.

If you are a supposed superstar, and get paid millions of dollars to perform, at least sing your f**king songs live.  After watching Diddy, I was longing for Ashlee Simpson.  How sick is that?

Bored at work?  Check out the Top 10 Best Jackass Skits of All Time.

For those of you who didn’t understand the Cleveland Steamer music video yesterday, don’t sewer slurp because you can find the definitions at Urban Dictionary.

I’m heading to KC tonight for the Chiefs home opener against the Bengals on Sunday.  Next post on Monday.

They got a crazy way of loving there.  And I’m gonna get me some.

Benny

Thanks, Dani-girl for today’s picture.  Is it just me, or does MF’er (far right) look like she’s up to something? 

I know most of the perverts that read this are familiar with terms such as Dirty Sanchez, Rusty Trombone, etc…  Until now, I’ve never heard them put into a song.  Enjoy.

Another example of things I see while working in the city; two gay guys holding hands, walking into a tattoo parlor.  I don’t want to know what they got or where they put it.

What happens when you mix 8,500 bottle rockets and lots of Miller High Life?  The Redneck Rocket Launcher. – Thanks Tom d G.

What’s the last thing you usually hear before a Southerner dies?  “Hey ya’ll, watch this.”

I loved a Southern girl once; no, twice.

Paris Hilton gets arrested on suspicion of DUI and Bob Dylan’s new album debuts at No. 1.  Great day.

But, I would not feel so all alone.  Everybody must get stoned.

Benny

A few things really annoyed me this morning:

1. All the hype surrounding Katie Couric and CBS News.  I can’t stand network news.
2. The View on ABC.  I saw a clip from yesterday’s show which featured the newest member; Rosie O’Donnell.  Who watches this crap?
3. Nick Lachey’s music.  Unfortunately, I heard part of “What’s Left of Me” on the way to work.  If the title is a question, then the answer is, “Not much.”
4. The first pictures of Suri Cruise will appear in next month’s Vanity Fair.  Oh boy, race me to the news stand.

Here’s something I can recommend – Bud.TV.  The new Anheuser-Busch website is scheduled to debut in February and will feature several online ”channels” that users can click on to view particular shows, including comedy and sports. 

I’m friends with the President.  I’m friends with the Pope.  We’re all making a fortune selling Daddy’s dope.

Benny

They may release the footage of Steve Irwin being killed by a stingray.  He always told his crew to keep the camera rolling, no matter the circumstances.  He wanted his last word to be, “Crikey.”  You gotta love that.

Do you ever get out of the shower, tuck your penis between your legs, and walk around like a woman?

Me neither.

I recently had to fill out some insurance papers and our HR lady questioned one of my answers.  The question read, “In Case of Emergency, Contact?”   I wrote, “911.”  What the hell is wrong with that?

The IRS is turning over thousands of delinquent accounts to private collection agencies.  Crystal Ball – I see a new phone number being ignored in my future. 

Caller ID is one of the greatest inventions, ever.

Is anyone else worried that a terrorist attack may be eminent?  Over the weekend, I saw the #2 Al Qaeda guy asking the West to convert to Islam or suffer the consequences.  These nut bags believe you cannot attack your enemy until you have invited them to become a Muslim.  If they decline, it’s okay to kill them.  

He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich.

Benny

There aren’t many things I enjoy more than a 3-day weekend. 

Today’s picture is the perfect contribution to The Summer of Benny.  Not a single piece of furniture has been able to escape the wrath of my urine.  This would really help with the ladies.

Upon hearing the sad news of Steve Irwin’s (a.k.a. The Crocodile Hunter) untimely death, Tom d G called and said that it’s bad enough he has to worry about STD’s.  “Now, I’ve got to worry about stingrays?”

Last week, Issac called me a narrow minded bigot after I refused to watch Flavor Flav’s – The Flavor of Love 2.  So, Saturday morning, while lying in a cesspool of my own piss, I watched an episode.  Or, at least I tried to watch an episode.  I was only able to watch 15 minutes when I almost added puke to the pee.  What a stupid show.

If you’re ever in a bad mood, watch Christopher Walken dance.

I am going spend an entire day quoting lines from movies, TV shows, and song lyrics whenever I speak.

Don’t lean on me man.  Cause you can’t afford the ticket.

Benny