The radio station contest finally put my entry (Group 7) on their website. 

They wrote that the reason you should vote for me is because me and Howard Stern were separated at birth, “or so Benny thinks.” 

I’m not sure how they came up with this because I never mention Howard Stern or anything remotely close in my entry.  I wrote about getting drunk and wiping my poop.  Whatever. 

There are 4 days left to vote, but you can’t vote for anyone in my group until the entry deadline expires tonight at midnight.   I’ll check on it tomorrow. 

Yeah, I’m still master of my domain.

Benny

I didn’t realize yesterday was Columbus Day.  To some, this meant a day off of work.  To others, it meant the banks were closed and they had an extra day to cover the checks written at the casino over the weekend. 

I am getting fed up with the weather people on the news.  I don’t care about the barometric pressure or dew point.  Just tell me what the weather is going to be, and get back to the news.  They’re seldom right anyway, so why show it at all?  My Grandmother’s arthritic knee predicts the weather better than these jokers.  If they want people to pay attention, set an Over/Under on the daily dew point, and let the government book bets. 

I would like to find the guy who invented popup ads, and kick him in the balls.  Yeah, yeah, I know the technology could have been created by a woman, but the joke wouldn’t make sense.

If “I Fought the Law and the Law Won” is your theme song, you may want to consider a lifestyle change.

I found a way to escape a bad date.  This tool dials a phone number at a scheduled time, and a computer generated voice recites the text you wrote.  The receiving phone number shows up on the Caller ID. 

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.

Benny

Some weekends are better than others.  This was one of the better ones. 

On Saturday, I played in a four-man scramble with three buddies on a beautiful October afternoon.  The golf tournament was for a friend of ours who decided to abandon the pursuit of the almighty dollar, and dedicate his life to helping others.

He is the founder and principal of a private parochial middle school, located in the heart of the inner-city.  The school enrolls students from grades 6-8, limits each class to approximately fifteen students, and relies solely on private donations. 

My hat’s off to Bob S. and all of the people involved with the school.  It’s great to see kids get an opportunity who otherwise may not get one.

Me and my boys shot 9-under par, and headed to my place convinced we were good golfers.

Sunday was another great day.  Everyone cleaned up their mess from the previous night which is a sign that your friends have matured.  At a younger age, we would party at a friend’s place, wake up, and leave.  I’m glad they pitched in.  If they hadn’t, the mess would have been there for a while.  And by a while, I mean weeks.

Tip of the Day: 
Never buy cheap toilet paper.  There are a lot of non-brand name items that are perfectly fine, but never skimp on butt wipe.  Last week, I bought a generic brand of toilet paper, but I might as well have bought a newspaper. 

At one point this weekend, a buddy complained while sitting on the toilet, so I tossed him the sports section.  Okay, that’s a lie because he was already reading the sports section, but I told him to use it if he didn’t like my toilet paper.

Michael O. sent me this video of a peeping tom.

Have you ever woken up in a recliner chair, only to see your wiener spraying pee like a Water Wiggle?

Me neither.

I want to see you dance again.

Benny

I don’t know what it is about Thursday nights that makes me drink myself into oblivion, but the streak continued last night. 

I went to the David Allan Coe concert with Tom d G, Crowe Dog, and Mike.  If you’ve never heard of David Allan Coe, he’s a redneck who plays a Confederate Flag guitar.  The crowd was not as diverse as you might find at other concerts.  Hey, at least I didn’t stick out like I would at a Ludacris show.

I still can’t believe my Metro Link fiasco made the airwaves.

As I undressed the other night, I realized the suit I was wearing was over 8-years old.  I didn’t know whether to be happy that I had maintained the same physique all these years, or conclude that I was just as fat eight years ago.

Yesterday, a comedian on the radio said the only reason he watched baseball was to root against the Yankees.  In his opinion, their fans are obnoxious and rude, and if you have any character, you should root for the underdog.  He said rooting for the Yankees was like going to a casino, and cheering for the House.

New research shows that smoking marijuana may help prevent Alzheimer’s disease.  If this is true, at least you won’t forget where you hid your stash.

I was drunk the day my Mom got out of prison.

Benny

This morning, I drove across the state for a sales call.  On the way home, I decided to stop at either a strip club or winery.  

I had heard good things about the strippers at a particular establishment but quickly made a U-Turn once I got a closer look.  There were only two cars in front, and it looked like a place where I would probably get my ass kicked. 

Besides, wineries are at their best during sunny October afternoons, and I had my trusty road sock if I needed gratification.  I drank a glass of wine on a bluff overlooking the vineyard, and left. 

Once home, I turned on the TV and was immediately confronted with a commercial for Levitra.  I’m sure there are hundreds of jokes about these advertisements, especially the possible side-effects.  But, I will say this; if I ever have a 4-hour erection, my Doctor’s office is the last place I’m going.

Looks like I may have been the topic of a story heard on KMOX today.  I apologize to the young students who were on their field trip riding the Metro Link train.  I’m not 100% sure this was me, but it sounds about right.  Damn, it’s a small MF’ing world. 

I remember my last field trip.  It was with the Cub Scouts, but I got kicked out for eating a Brownie.

Benny

After the sales call and convention today, I went to get my car damage estimated by the Vietnamese chick’s insurance company.  For those of you who don’t know, an Asian-American woman backed into my parked car last week; shocker. 

As luck would have it, the appraiser knew me.  We quickly noticed other damage that I had failed to mention to their claims representative.  Now, the small dent in the door should net me close to the estimated cash value of the vehicle. 

Afterwards, I went to Harpo’s and found Gina M.

Normally, I would deposit this new found money into my internet gambling account.  Since Congress says this is now illegal, I might take it to the local race track, corporate owned casino, or state run lottery. 

Ah, screw that, I’ll just find a local bookie.

At the convention today, I ran into someone who knew one of the 3 girls mentioned in my Cheatin‘ post a couple of weeks ago.  My informant told me that “Miss I’m Leaving You Because You’re Not Rich” is back at home, living with her parents.  Apparently, her rich husband pissed away all of their money.

I found no joy in hearing this news.  I want it noted that she could have ended up in the same situation had she stayed with me.  It just would have been a hell of a ride.

These young girls won’t let me be.

Benny

I can’t lift weights without escaping the paparazzi. 

Let me recap the last few days…

Saturday
I went to the annual chili cook-off in Westport with Tom d G, Crowe Dog, B-Unit, & Issac.  Due to financial restraints, I smuggled beers in my shorts and poured them into a cup while standing inside a Port-A-Potty. 

Classy?  No. 

Cost Effective?  Yes.

We drank beer and ate chili from Noon-4:00.  After stumbling home, I watched Ohio State beat Iowa, and then passed out.

Sunday
The morning after drinking beer and sampling several kinds of chilis was not pleasant.  The bean concoctions shot through my colon like a Japanese Bullet Train.

I had to be downtown at 3:30 to setup our booth for the convention, but man, it was an NFL Sunday and the Chiefs were playing. 

I went to Ozzie’s with Issac to watch the first half and enjoyed a couple of frosty mugs.  G-Man picked me up and took me downtown.  He has Rams’ season tickets and it was great to get a ride downtown and avoid the traffic.

I still can’t figure out how you play football inside a dome.  Couple that with the limited number of spaces to tailgate, and you end up with a Sunday, full of Khaki wearing men at a football game, intently listening to the Cardinals baseball game on their portable radios.

I guess they got the last laugh as the Rams won a high scoring affair, and the Cards backed into the playoffs.

I setup the booth and was delighted to see they were serving beer.  I managed to make a few contacts and was happy when the tradeshow floor turned dark.

I took the Metro Link train home, but ended up taking the wrong one.  Once I realized this, I hopped off and called the G-Man to let him know where I was.  He picked me up and took me home.  It didn’t take long for me to fall asleep because I had to wake up at 6AM and get back downtown to the convention.

Monday
Damn.  The alarm went off at 6AM as planned but I wasn’t eager to jump out of bed.  I managed to drive to the train station and guess who I ran into? The racial profiling chick who had issued a ticket to me on Friday morning. 

I spent 10 hours today, standing in a booth, while watching people take handfuls of our free sh-t.

The only bright spot was the hot chick working the booth next to us.  She was a slender, 6-foot blonde, who I usually wouldn’t consider my type.  However, when they started serving beer at 3:30, she was the first in line to get a pitcher.  My kind of gal.

Tomorrow, I have a 10:30 demo, and then another convention. 

Wednesday, I have to drive across the state to estimate the number of pages contained within 190 banker boxes.  Good luck with that.

I read today that President Bush is going to sign the anti-internet gambling bill.  I don’t gamble but find this difficult to comprehend.  I will be unable to bet on a football game with 11/10 odds, but it’s perfectly legal for me to plop down a buck on the state-run lottery where my odds of winning are about the same as hooking up with the hot, slender, 6-foot blonde. 

Man, when I win the lottery…

Benny