Archive for November, 2006

I bought condoms last night.  Not because I plan on having sex; I’m just sick and tired of ruining t-shirts.

This guy knows how to interview for a job1

One of Chuck H’s sons was at the Ohio State/North Carolina basketball game last night.  I can’t remember which son, but I hope you had a good time.  Chuck, email your cell phone number to me again.  I must have deleted it when I was getting rid of unsolicited porn.

Speaking of college basketball, Dani-girl sent a scathing email because I failed to mention that her Maryland Terrapins beat the Fighting Illini of Illinois on Tuesday.  She also wants everyone to know that her new boobs are a month old today.  This means that she is “off all restriction whatever that may imply.”  Happy Birthday, Dani-girl’s knockers. 

This guy is my hero.

Watch this flour in a blow dryer prank.

The paparazzi were working “undercover” when they shot these photos of Britney Spears not wearing any pantiesWarning: Contains nudity, but worth losing your job.

I’m the train they call The City of New Orleans.  I’ll be gone five hundred miles when the day is done.

Benny

Last Saturday night I had an opportunity to watch Brokeback Mountain on HBO and the BET Hip Hop Awards.  What did I do?  I watched the Notre Dame/USC game like every other heterosexual white male.

In case you missed it last week, here’s Frank Caliendo on Letterman.

I like beer, but I don’t think I would drink from this tap. – Thanks, Mike K.

I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas last night.  I never really noticed this as a kid, but Lucy is a bitch.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno remembers the Fruitcake Lady.

Chaw – It’s what’s for dinner.

Tory K. emailed this Budweiser commercial

Read about the Muslim religious leaders who were removed from a flight last week in Minneapolis.  Kneeling in the boarding area and praying to Allah is one thing, but switching from their assigned seats to a pattern consistent with the September 11th hijackers is another.  Before you scream racial profiling, ask yourself this – Would you have gotten on the flight?

If I had, I would have probably been out of my noodle on Bud Light and Xanax.

Benny

Needed

Sherri thanks for the comment, but I may need to quit drinking; or learn karate.  

Congratulations to Jake’s Leg on celebrating their 30th anniversary

After reading yesterday’s post, Michael O. said, “Every weekend has the potential to be a 3-day weekend.  It’s all up to you.”

New Stupidity Tax – “If I tell you, I’ll have to kill you.” – Cha Ching – $10.

Tory K. found inside information on the Agenda for 2008 Democratic Convention.

Foamy the Squirrel says no to the Atkins DietWarning: Contains profanity.

Check out the name of the guy who is the World Health Organization’s head of HIV/Aids.

Jane Skinner is hot, and now she’s talking dirty to me

Peace activists are hoping a global orgasm on the first day of winter will help bring an end to war and violence.  Their goal is for everyone in the world to have an orgasm Dec. 22 while focusing on peace.  Not a problem; I’ll just rub one out while watching Katie Couric.

I don’t mind you coming here and wasting all my time.

Benny

After a four-day holiday weekend, I’ve decided to write about one of the days in particular – Thanksgiving.

First, I apologize to everyone I tailgated with at Arrowhead Stadium.  I took a lot of pictures, and promised they would be added to the website.  Unfortunately, Daddy got drunk and lost the memory card in his camera so the pictures gone.  F–!

Thanksgiving Day began like most others.  I got together with the family, and enjoyed a satisfying meal.  This year, we ate a little earlier because of the Chiefs game later that night.

I got to Arrowhead at 3:00 for the 7:00 kick-off.  With a four-hour window, you would think I would pace my drinking, but this wasn’t the case.  After we parked, I drank a few beers with Lil’ Bro, CR, Shelly, but left at 4:30 to meet some other friends. 

Once there, I partied with some folks from out of state.  Jana B. was surprised when she realized that I was the guy who writes this stupid sh-t.  In fact, she had me call one of her co-workers, Sheri, because they are regular readers of The Summer of Benny.  Sheri wanted to know what was up with Dani-girl getting a boob job.  I love it.

After tailgating for 3 1/2 hours, I made my way into Arrowhead.  The first half of the game was uneventful, but all hell broke loose in the second half.  It’s amazing how courageous one becomes after drinking.  And by one, I mean me. 

I took it upon myself to stop guys from sneaking into the men’s room through the out door.  Why?  Because I was sick of standing in line, only to watch cheating dickheads circumvent the system.  I could have pissed over an eight-rail fence, but that didn’t mean I should cut in line.

This hall monitor attitude almost got my ass kicked on several occasions.  Luckily, there were a couple of muscle heads waiting in line that came over to help when situations called for it.  I stopped a dozen or so douche bags from entering, and returned to my seat to a standing ovation from the guys still in line.

Midway through the fourth quarter, I lost my balance and fell face first down the stairs next to my aisle seat.  I looked up at little Bro who hadn’t budged, but luckily a stranger helped me back to my feet.  This would’ve probably embarrassed most people, but I took it as another day in the life. 

A few minutes later, a lesbian sucker punched the guy standing in the row in front of me, and I broke up the fight.  The guy had apparently stolen a Trent Green sign that she and her lover had made.  Why are lesbians making Trent Green signs, anyway?  I left when the cops showed.  The Chiefs had just won the game, and I was in no shape to deal with the Po Po.

I passed out as soon as I reached little Bro’s house.  Subconsciously, I must have been mad at him for not helping me up after my fall, because I puked on his sofa in my sleep.  My sister-in-law walked through the living room at 5:30 AM on her way to go shopping.  She later said that she noticed a horrible smell, but thought it was just my feet. 

I don’t like guilt be it stoned or stupid.  Drunk and disorderly I ain’t no cupid.  Two years ago today I was arrested on Christmas Eve.

Benny

It never ceases to amaze me how differently men and women interact with their friends.

For example, let’s say a group of women are out one night, and one of them is wearing an outfit or piece of clothing that isn’t exactly flattering.

None of them will say anything to their friend.  However, they will make comments behind her back as soon as she is out of earshot.  This usually occurs in the ladies room or by telephone the following day.

“What was she thinking when she put that on?” is a commonly used phrase. 

Now, let’s see how men handle a similar situation.

After noticing a buddy has more chins than a Chinese phone book, Matt says, “Dude, you shouldn’t wear turtlenecks.”

Notice the difference?  By the way, thanks Matt.  I haven’t worn one since, and dropped 20 lbs.  Good talk.

Dani-girl sent me an email to tell me that I don’t have to search for affirmative action replacements.  She wrote, “i am Jewish…i am a minority……and jody is Baptist (or gay)- those are minorities…there 2 new minorities!!”

Not to be outdone, Tom d G sent an mail regarding my comment yesterday where I referred to body building as being kind of gay.  I replied that I almost put a link to his picture, but didn’t want the ladies to be reminded that he has a better body than me. 

His rebuttal: “I don’t think you have to worry about reminding the ladies about anything.  I’m sure your ongoing references to beer, weed, and uncontrollable body fluids will be enough to remind them.”

Ouch.

I watched Michael Richards (Kramer) apologize on Letterman last night.  He seemed embarrassed and sincere, but that’s a pretty big matzah ball hanging out there.

I’m not condoning what he said.  It was offensive and inappropriate.  But, there is a double standard when it comes to black and white comedians.  One night, I saw a black comedian on BET who said he loved to watch Titanic because he could, “see all them white folk drownin’.”

I quit watching comedians on BET, but not because of that guy.  It just seemed like a lot of words were censored, and I needed subtitles for the ones I could hear.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Benny

Issac moved back home to Michigan.  Keith moved back home to Atlanta.  I now have no African-American friends in town.  The law requires that I have at least two friends from a minority background so let the search begin.  However, I still despise rap music.

Chuck and Theresa H. also moved, but they are white.

Michael Richards (a.k.a. Seinfeld’s Kramer) unleashed a racist tirade on stage Friday night.  You can see the video on TMZ.com, but be forewarned that it contains profanity and racial slurs.  Can you yada yada racism?

Kramer apologizes on Letterman.

Happy Belated Birthday to Carrie D.

Sometimes, when I want to eat junk food like a doughnut, I ask myself, “WWTD?” (What Would Tom d G do?).  Then I realize that being a body builder is kind of gay, and I like doughnuts.  So, I eat it.

Initially, I decided against posting this video of monkey sex, but since two people have emailed it to me, I succumb to peer pressure.  Warning: Contains profanity and strong sexual content. – Thanks, Mike K. and Scott B.

The last time I played blackjack, I got so many 13′s and 14′s, people at the table started calling me R. Kelly. – Thanks, TJ.

I have a dream.

Benny

Sorry for the delay in posting, but I won’t be able to write until tonight.  I spent the weekend watching football in a drunken stupor, and have to make sales calls today.  F–.

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