Archive for December, 2006

pamela anderson

The Summer of Benny will return on January 2nd. 

In the meantime, if you hear someone say, “See you next year”, take $10, and call them a jack-ass.

I don’t go out on New Year’s Eve (i.e. Amateur Night).  I refuse to pay inflated prices for something I already do every night of the week.

Let’s get drunk and be somebody.

Benny

Today’s post is short because I spent most of the evening reading this newspaper article.

Watch this guy drink a flaming shot. – Thanks, Chuck H.

(I Wanna) Pee on You(Warning: Contains profanity).

The Farting Gym Goer.

You know, there’s like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I’m pretty good with a bo staff

Gosh.

Welcome to this one man show.

Benny

Of all the gin joints…

The Christmas weekend started at the airport on Friday night.  Once there, I discovered that my flight was delayed by 90 minutes.  Having already consumed a number of beers, and a Xanax, I decided to slow it down a bit so not to dampen Lil’ Bro’s sofa again.

My well intended plans changed after I ran into Dani-girl who was waiting for her flight to Baltimore.  We drank margaritas until she had to board, but I stayed at the bar for another 45 minutes (i.e. 3 large beers).

You have to admire a chick who insists on taking another picture because her boobs didn’t look big enough in the first one.

For those keeping score at home, the sofa was dry on Saturday morning. 

Most of the weekend was spent with family.  I love spending time with my kin, but it usually doesn’t produce material conducive to the theme of this website.

However, I got to babysit my niece for a while on Saturday night.  She just started talking so, “Me doggy” didn’t make much sense to mommy and daddy, which was just fine with me.  They probably wouldn’t appreciate me sticking her in the dog kennel while I watched “The Year in Review” on the Horse Racing Network.

I flew home on Christmas day, and once again, my flight was delayed.  I checked my bag because I almost got an $80 bottle of cologne confiscated on the previous flight. 

F**king terrorists. 

As I watched my bag move down the conveyer belt, I realized that I hadn’t taken my Xanax, and the medication was in the disappearing bag. 

If you are unfamiliar with Xanax, it is a wonder drug.  My doctor prescribed it for me after I told him I got anxious whenever I flew. 

“Are you afraid of flying?” he asked. 

“No, I’m afraid of crashing,” I replied.

Problem solved…

The airport bar on the way home was full of characters.  I had drinks with Pat, Rick, and a model from Chicago.  Rick and the model were not together, and he tried like hell (unsuccessfully) to get her phone number. 

He also wanted his picture taken with a nice girl who was sitting by herself at a table.  I didn’t hear him ask for her number, but he probably waited until we left.

Rick – Thanks for the beer and shot of Grey Goose.

Pat – Thanks for the shot of Cuervo. 

Model – Thanks for sitting next to me.

Here’s to living single and drinking double.

Benny

I appeared in court today to answer charges in violation of City Ordinance 62971 (Conduct on Public Transportation).  In layman’s terms, I am accused of not having valid proof of paid fare on the light rail system.

After consulting a bottle of Crown Royal last night, I decided to plead not guilty by reason of insanity.

As I sat in the pew (are they called pews in a courtroom?), I glanced at the people sitting around me.  The guy to my left hadn’t showered in weeks.  I know this because he looked like Pig Pen from the Charlie Brown cartoons, and smelled like my trash can.  The guy seated to my right looked like he was coming down from a weeklong meth binge.  And the guy behind me was scratching a lottery ticket. 

Good times.

After a fifteen minute wait, the bailiff announced that the judge would not be in court for at least another hour.  I took the continuance they offered, and got the hell out of Dodge.

Metrosexuality is not my forte, but since it’s the holidays, here’s a grooming tip for the guys.  After you shower, blow-dry your balls, and then apply Gold Bond medicated powder to your nut sack.  This should keep you feeling fresh all day. 

The only caveat is having your lady go down on you.  They usually don’t like to taste talcum powder when they’re doing you a favor, although Listerine Strips add a nice touch. 

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.

Benny

I called my Grandma (Maternal) tonight, and she started talking about Miss USA.  She said, “I hope she takes advantage of her second chance and stays out of those beer joints.” 

That reminded me of the time my Grandpa (Paternal) gave me a lecture about the evils of marijuana.  He told me to “stay away from the dope”, and then he rolled his own cigarette and drank straight Jim Beam from a glass. 

I take after my Dad’s side of the family. 

Welcome new readers Joby D. and Lauren G. from Oklahoma.

Thanks Carrie and Laurie for sending this link to the Wizards of Winter Christmas Lights.  Ten bucks says these people have smoked weed. 

I got a dog.

What?  What?  Okay.

Have you ever asked a girl to put a mattress pad on her bed for her own protection?

Me neither.

Here’s the deal on the website through the remainder of the holiday season.  I’m drunk tonight.  I’ll probably be drunk tomorrow night.  I’m going home for Christmas.  Basically, I’ll do my best to make posts, but I can’t control the drinking.

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life, in a world that keeps on pushin’ me around, but I’ll stand my ground.

Benny

My new job has presented a market where everyone seems hell bent on spending money before the year ends.  WTF?  I’ve been busier than a $2 whore on Nickel Night. 

I have road rage (Shocker).  If I had a dollar for every time I said, “What the f**k is this guy doing?” I wouldn’t have to work.

New Stupidity Tax: You show up at someone’s house and they say, “Welcome to our humble abode.” – Cha Ching! – $10.  Thanks, Troy T.

Britney Spears wearing a see-through dress.

In a bit of irony, Issac reneged on selling his furniture to me.  After spending $380 on a moving truck, and about the same in gas, he discovered that the furniture didn’t fit through the door of his new place in Michigan.  Sweet.

Wiley, here’s your favorite horse race, and arguably the best horse race of all-time; the 1989 Preakness.  I don’t know what the Japanese sh-t is, but this is the only video I could find.  Hey, those people like to gamble too. 

Those people; listen to yourself.  You’re a rabid anti-dentite!  Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs.  “Hey, denty!”  Next thing you know you’re saying they should have their own schools.

From the Bob and Tom Show, Sean Morey sings “Dear Santa”.

No one can resist my Schweaty Balls.

If you’re in the mood to blow off work (and who isn’t), here’s the site to visit.  They have 101 Christmas videos you can watch online.  Screw the job.  Stick it to the man, and enjoy using his free internet access while you piss away the rest of the year.

I just want to bang on the drum all day.

Benny

drunk santa

On Saturday night I dressed up as Santa for the annual Christmas party.  Daddy’s drunk. 

Dani-girl uploaded new pictures from her Christmas party.  And by Christmas, I mean Hanukkah.

Former President Bill Clinton tried to kill Santa?

I had no idea that I was being considered, but Time Magazine chose me as Person of the Year.  What lazy ass editor came up with this idea?

Let’s go to Blackuweather’s Ollie Williams for the forecast.  It’s gon’ rain.

Leo K. sent a link to phonetrace.org.  Type in your cell phone number and GPS satellite technology creates a map of your current location.  (Warning: Contains nudity.  And by nudity, I mean some kind of gay porn).

Latest California Poll:
A recent telephone poll yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

41% answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem.”
59% answered: “No no es un problema grave.”

The NBA suspended seven players from the brawl at MSG on Saturday night.  Charles Barkley was right when he said that athletes shouldn’t be role models.  If I ever have children, I’m going to tell them to be more like 50 Cent.

I got two turntables and a microphone.

Benny

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