I caught the Gin Blossoms show last night at Voodoo, and got drunker than 10 Indians (Tontos; not Dots).  Needless to say, Daddy is moving a little slow this morning. 

Only in America – A penis shaped french fry is being offered on ebay.  The seller has also uploaded a video on Youtube.  The auction ends on 12/18, and the current bid is $460.  WTF?

I am going to start selling pictures of my poop.

Time Magazine has the Top Photos of 2006.  I was surprised this picture didn’t make the list.

Fanpop.com lists the Top 10 Creepiest Fast Food Mascots.  I mention this because I have been trying to find these BK commercials. 

Burger King: Wake Up With the King #1

Burger King: Wake Up With the King #2

Burger King: Wake Up With the King #3

Watch this little girl miss her putt playing Wii golf.  Make sure your sound is on.  (Warning: Contains profanity).

I was going to be a professional golfer until I learned it violated PGA rules to yell, “F**k me!” after every shot.

My sister-in-law recently informed me that Lil’ Bro hides his beer whenever I come into town.  I admit that I have been over served on occasion at the airport bar.  Is it my fault they offer a shot of liquor for $1 with the purchase of a large beer?  Is it my fault a few flights have been delayed, forcing me to drink longer than I had planned?  Of course not. 

Man, you piss one bed…

Tell me do you think it’d be all right if I could just crash here tonight.  You can see I’m in no shape for driving, and anyway I’ve got no place to go.

Benny

Every now and then you meet a true genius.  Click on the picture, and you’ll see what I mean.

I have one week until my court date for not having a ticket on the Metro Link.  At least the audio feed is still available on KMOX.  I might bring a video camera to court, and tell the judge, “Smile, you’re on The Summer of Benny.”

I wouldn’t want to be a lawyer.  You basically do homework for a living.

Have you ever been fired from a used car sales job because one Saturday you quoted, “Too High 95″ as the price for every vehicle?

Me neither.

Pauly Shore gets punched in the face while performing on stage.  (Warning: Contains profanity).  This was obviously staged.  If the douche bag is desperate for press, why doesn’t he just use the N-word?

Dani-girl sent new pictures.  I could do without all the guys, but I’m not complaining.  The good news is I created a folder for her to upload pictures.  I just hope she realizes that most of the readers want to see skin.  And by skin, I mean cleavage.

I asked Dan-girl if she was going home for Christmas, but forgot she was Jewish.  Oops.  I wanted to apologize in a special way so I searched the Internet for English to Hebrew translation sites.  I found several, but none of them were free.  Shocker.

I have a history of losing my shirt.

Benny

Thanks, Michael and Christy O. for my Christmas gift – a KC Chiefs key holder and bottle opener.  Daddy will use it every day.

Yes, it’s a Christmas gift.  As a matter of fact, I’m saying, “Merry Christmas” this year; not “Happy Holidays.”  I’m sending “Christmas Cards” to friends and clients.  I’m sick and tired of having to tiptoe around my religious beliefs so not to offend anyone. 

The ACLU will sue a city to remove a Christmas tree, and be the first in line to defend a guy who sticks his dick in one of the pine cones.  Why?  Because every man has the right to f**k a pine cone; as long as they don’t put up a Christmas tree.

Troy T. from Des Moines sent this Special Message from Santa Claus.  I hope this isn’t true or I’m getting nothing this year.

Nicole Richie was arrested for DUI early Monday morning.  The police report lists her as 5′1″ and 85 lbs.  I’m all for petite chicks, but damn; 85 lbs?  That girl could hang glide on a Dorito.

Over $1M worth of cocaine washed up on two Florida beaches today.  Do I really have to write the White Christmas joke?  It’s snowing in Florida?  C’mon, these are too easy. 

What isn’t easy is trying to understand why some stupid gash called the Po Po.  I would have grabbed one of those bricks, ran home, and hunkered down ’til the New Year.

Another Festivus miracle.

Benny

10 Beers + Fake Cranberries = Today’s Picture. 

I hope the guys at Embry-Riddle notice the t-shirt.

I had dinner at Chuck and Theresa H’s house on Saturday night.  After my Kramer-like rants, and numerous F-Bombs, I’m sure it will be a while before I’m invited back.  Here’s a picture of the dinner group (Left to Right: Tory K, Carrie D, Chuck and Theresa H.

Why Rumsfeld got fired. – Thanks, Tom K. from Florida.

Leo K. sent this video of a female celebrity walking naked on the beach.  I’ll be there for her.  (Warning: Contains nudity).

I didn’t know Tom d G was such an outdoor enthusiast, but he sent this picture of a deer. 

Don’t forget to claim the special one-time tax credit of $30 in 2006 for overpayment of phone bills. – Thanks, Mom. 

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been overpaying for phone service for years, and a $30 credit won’t make a dent in my tax bill.  How about a credit for being forced to talk with someone in India every time I call customer service?

The other day, I called my cable company because I was having problems with my On-Demand service.  Some lady in the Philippines told me to unplug by cable box, and plug it back in.  WTF?  I’m not a genius, but I’m fairly certain that’s not going to fix the problem.  And it didn’t. 

I’m calling it a night.  This computer is acting up, and I probably need to call Kashmir for help.

What’s love got to do with it?

Benny

Uncle Benny at the wheel. – Thanks, Bob B. for the picture.

Have you ever consumed a half bottle of Crown Royal while typing your blog?

Me neither.

I found a picture of my high school girlfriend mentioned in yesterday’s post.  She’s a news anchor somewhere in the country.  Yes, I know the city and TV station, but I won’t reveal the specifics in order to protect her privacy.  I actually spoke with her a couple of years ago.  She remembered every detail of that night, and probably hasn’t had a run-in with the law since. 

If you can’t see the sidebar on the right side of this page, hit your refresh button.  I’m tired of f***ing with it. 

I got into a little Christmas spirit by watching part of South Park’s Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.

Speaking of Christmas, I’ve always wanted a mistletoe belt buckle.

I heard a story about a recent study in India that revealed the size of normal condoms is too large for men in that country.  German researchers found similar results in 2003.  Daddy wears Magnums.  However, I’m such a selfish lover; I turn the ribbed ones inside out.

Still single.

Benny

I swear I’m not trying to make this a porn site, but I keep receiving emails that are simply too good to ignore.

Here’s a Very Merry Christmas Card slideshow – Thanks, Scott B. (Warning: Contains nudity).

Tory K. sent this video of a hot chick stripping.  And by hot, I mean smokin’ hot. (Warning: Contains nudity).

A girl once asked me if I had a mattress pad.  Does Superman have a cape?

The Evolution of Dance is the most viewed video of all-time on YouTube.  Several people have uploaded this, and collectively it has been viewed over 36 Million times.

This time of the year always reminds me of a winter night in high school.  My parents asked me to drive Lil’ Bro to his basketball practice.  I dropped the little squirt off at the gym, and drove to my girlfriend’s house.  We drove to a secluded lake in my hometown, and jumped in the back seat. 

Midway through a 10-minute romp, the Po Po tapped a flashlight against the window.  We quickly got dressed, jumped outside, and handed over our ID’s.  We didn’t have any outstanding warrants (oh, the good ‘ol days), so we were free to go.

I dropped her off at her house, and raced back to the gym.  There, I found Lil’ Bro standing in the freezing cold with no one else in sight.  He asked me where I had been, and I told him to mind his own.

When we got home, my Dad asked how the practice went.  Lil’ Bro started to speak, but Daddio interrupted him and said that he wanted my opinion.  I commented that his jump shot was really starting to come around.  

He found it odd that two kids had been caught parking at the lake, and their names were the same as mine and my girlfriend’s.  I hated that police scanner.

Book ‘em, Dano.

Benny

My heat’s back on, and I’m sweating like the tooth fairy in West Virginia. 

We’ve all been there…a long flight and you have gas.  What do you do?  This lady let ’em rip, and tried to cover up the smell.  Unfortunately, passengers reported smelling the matches she struck, and the plane had to make an emergency landing.  Marty Farty had a party…

The holiday season is my favorite time to go to the mall, pass gas, and wait for the reactions. 

The amazing power of makeup.

The differences between Republicans and Democrats during the Holidays.

Tory K. emailed these holiday greetings:

For My Democratic Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to observe religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures.

For My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  May God bless you and yours in 2007.

Leo K. sent this video of the hottest ass on the net.  I found myself mesmerized, and dig the stockings.  (Warning: Contains nudity).

A parody of a popular song by The Fray.

Pimp My Ride for the homeless.  (Warning: Contains profanity).

Big Mac Rap.

Once upon a time, I was dating a girl, and couldn’t undo her bra.  I wasn’t embarrassed by not being able to unhook the stupid thing.  The embarrassing part happened when she had enough time to pick the bathroom lock, and caught me wearing it.

And our love become a funeral pyre.

Benny