Archive for January, 2007

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my birthday party last weekend.  Thanks for all of the kind emails and letters (sarcasm).   Sorry Red, but sending a text message to my cell phone telling me to “f**k off” does not constitute well wishes.

Since my birthday was on Saturday, I started drinking at 5:00 on Friday, well, because that’s how I roll. 

I ate sushi with Chickie Poo around 7:00, and sat next to none other than Big Game Tory Holt from the St. Louis Rams.  While they were waiting for the check, one of his kids asked for a word they could spell.

I said, “Chiefs.”

Big Game shot me a dirty look, and gave the kid another word.  It might have been “fumble”, but I can’t remember.

A few minutes later, one of his boys said that he had to “poop.”  His siblings laughed, and they all went to the bathroom giggling.  This proved something that I’ve said for years – kids always laugh at poop.

Speaking of kids, we met up with Crowe Dog, George, and his 20-year old girlfriend at Houlihan’s after dinner.  We drank a couple of beers, and ventured down to Cicero’s to catch Jake’s Leg. 

I must have consumed more sake than I thought at the sushi bar, because I called a cab as soon as they started their second set.  And by called a cab, I mean I argued with three drivers over the fare until Chickie Poo threw me in the back seat of the fourth.  I made a few derogatory remarks about rap music, and passed out.

Saturday’s activities have been sealed until the grand jury convenes next month.  Sufficed to say that I won’t be running for public office anytime soon.

Never send a woman for an oil change

It’s official – The Police will be the opening act for the GRAMMYs on February 11th at 8 p.m. (ET/PT).  That’s 7:00 to those of us living in the nation’s heartland.

The next time you sit next to a guy on a plane that won’t leave you alone, follow these instructions:

1.  Quietly and calmly open your laptop case.
2.  Remove your laptop.
3.  Boot it.
4.  Make sure the guy who won’t leave you alone can see the screen.
5.  Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6.  Then, play this.

K-Fed Super Bowl Commercial Leaked

This couple uses role play to enhance their sex lives.  (Warning: Contains strong sexual content.)

Seems I’m not alone in being alone.

Benny

The effects of drugs and alcohol on spiders – Thanks, Mike W.

Snatchsquatch needs to mow the yard. – Thanks, Bob F.  (Warning: Contains nudity.)

The Worst Burglar Ever – Thanks, Michael O.

Best DUI Ever – Thanks, Bob F.

Mel Gibson hates Jews – Thanks, Larry R.  (Warning: Contains profanity.)

A guy shoots his buddy, and calls 911 for help. – Thanks, Freddie R.

Swedish Self-Cleaning Toilet

Is this guy sitting on a beanbag chair? – Thanks, Bob F.  (Warning: Contains nudity.)

The social pages say I’ve got the biggest balls of all.

Benny

Welcome to the winter of my discontent.  I know the days are getting longer, but the extra minute a day is about as noticeable as a fart in a hurricane.

Story Time

I ran into a chick at a party in college who was in my communications class.  After a night of drinking, we went back to her dorm room.  Her roommate was out of town, and before I knew it, she was buck naked standing on her bed looking down at me.

“I want to make sure this is not just a one-night stand, so we’re going to go out, aren’t we?” she asked.

“Of course.  How can you even ask that question?” I replied.

Wham bam, thank you ma’am, and I left. 

The class we shared met on M-W-F at 2:00.  Here’s how the next week went down, and no, I did not call her.

Monday
I walked into the class room, noticed her in the front row, and took a seat in the back.

Wednesday
I felt her cold stare as I walked by, but didn’t acknowledge the look.

Friday
As I entered class, she stood, pointed at me, and said, “There’s the asshole, ladies.  Don’t talk to him unless you just want to get laid.”

I walked straight to the admissions office, dropped the class, and told my parents that the professor was gay.

Stupidity Tax Offense: “Been there, done that.” – Cha Ching! – $10.

Pimped Out John Sweepstakes

College students in Texas are in trouble over a recent MLK Day party.  Check out the pictures.  I think it’s kind of funny. 

Where you stay at?

Van Halen with David Lee Roth and The Police are reuniting for concert tours?  Sweet.  Where’s my bong?

There’s a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.

Benny

Talk about the best part of waking up…

I had a demo with an OB-GYN practice this morning.  I felt kind of creepy standing in a waiting room full of women reading past issues of O.  Not to mention my suit and laptop made me stick out like a turd in a punchbowl. 

Finally, the office manager walked out, and led me back to her office for our meeting.

During the demo, I showed a sample patient form for “Peter Smith.”  Realizing they only have female patients, I said, “You probably don’t see a lot of Peters around here.”  Oops.

ABC – Always Be Closing.

Michael O. from Las Vegas (PST) called me “Marty McFly” because I (CST) can watch TV shows two hours before he does.

An infrared video of me going through airport security – Thanks, Scott B.

Monkey washing a catWTF?

I’d like to kick both their assesIdiots.  (Warning: Contains profanity.)

Classic baseball coach Earl Weaver argues with an umpire(Warning: Contains profanity.)

What the hell…Donald Trump bought one.

Fox News Anchor explains how Miss Nevada lost her title.

If I only had this power in real life.  (Warning: Contains nudity if you place your cursor over a girl.)  You can slow it down, but something tells me that you would have figured that out.

I’ve never been a big fan of PETA, but their State of the Union address may have changed my mind.  (Warning: Contains nudity.)  You may want to click your back button once she undresses unless you want to see videos of animal cruelty.

On second thought, screw PETA.  I’m going to grill a steak, and then head to a cock fight.

I’m not sick, but I’m not well.

Benny

Madame Speaker?  I just puked in my mouth.  Does it bother anyone else that Nancy Pelosi is sitting behind the President holding a gavel? 

Ted Kennedy looks drunk.  Shocker.

Thanks to everyone who emailed pictures, videos, and links because I’ve got nothing tonight.

A photograph that Democrats don’t want you to see. – Thanks, Tory K.

The Power of Makeup – Thanks, Chuck H.

New California driver’s license – Thanks, Tory K.

Dani-girl uploaded some new ones.  And by new ones, I mean big ones.

Watch this girl in a slingshot. – Thanks, Scott B. 

The dangers of Internet dating – Thanks, Leo K.

U.S. gunship crew smokes some insurgents from 2.5 miles away at night – Thanks, Doug O.  (Warning: Contains violence.  And by violence, I mean there are three less insurgents in Iraq.) 

20/20 did a story on cyberbegging. – Thanks, Joby D.  I took offense at not being considered a pioneer, so I sent them an email with a link to the original Summer of Benny.

I am the next American Idol.

Benny

My new definition of “pulling an all-nighter”: Not getting out of bed to pee. 

I spoke with my Grandma over the weekend.  She was watching a news story and told me to turn my television to channel 56.  I didn’t have the heart to tell her that we live in different states so our cable channels aren’t the same.  I just started surfing until I found the program she was watching. 

From The Summer of Benny mailbag:
i heard the kirkwood police just found the lindbergh baby who has been living there for the past 70 years.

A guy witnesses an accident (audio) – Thanks, Tom.

Stephen Colbert on the O’Reilly Factor

Bill O’Reilly on the Colbert Report – Part 1

Bill O’Reilly on the Colbert Report – Part 2

Here are several great ways to hide your valuables.  And by valuables, I mean weed.

Sarah Silverman on Global Warming

Benny

You Make The Best Of What’s Still Around. 

A jury in Massachusetts awarded a man $400,000 in his discrimination lawsuit against American Airlines.  He claimed that he was a victim of racial profiling.

Obviously, it’s wrong to violate someone’s civil liberties because of the way they look.  But people have to realize that 9/11 shook us up, and we’re going to take a longer look at three Middle Eastern men boarding a plane.  Sorry. 

If well endowed, middle aged white men were blowing themselves up, I would expect to receive more scrutiny.  And I would be mad as hell at my big-bonered brethren.

I didn’t see the story, but it looks like The Summer of Benny was a topic of conversation on CNN last night.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Making sounds when you eat.  “Mmmm. Mmmm.” or “Yum. Yum.” – Cha Ching! – $10.

I’m not sure how I found this, but check out Shawty – Crazy Ass Mofo(Warning: Contains profanity.)

Matt Foley – Motivational Speaker

A few tips for the guys:

  1. If you ever find yourself whipping out your Johnson in public, always fluff it a few times before doing so.  The ladies will think you have a huge member when you’re actually halfway to Bonerville.  I call this method FUPO – Fluff Up Pull Out, and personally adhere to the 4-finger rule.
  2. Shave your pubes.  This will make your lil’ buddy look bigger.
  3. Don’t be a bodybuilder.  This will make your lil’ buddy look smaller.

Turn on my VCR.  Same one I’ve had for years.

Benny

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