Archive for February, 2007

Some people might consider this kind of gay, but I’ve been keeping something akin to a daily journal since 1995.  I don’t write in it every day; just things I want to remember. 

So, periodically, I will mention what I did on a certain day throughout the years.

This Day in Benny History

1996: 5 min. bike/2 circuits @ 12 reps each/5 min. bike

1998: 27 min. walk/jog

2001: 40 min. Stairmaster

2004: Played the ponies at the OTB in Alton, IL

2006 : Fat Tuesday, G-Man brought over $6 worth of Mega Millions tickets (Jackpot $256M), we didn’t win, watched Entourage

This day is an oddity because, over the years, I purposely left out most trips to the race track.  When I die, I don’t want my family exposed to my degenerate gambling.

Have you ever farted in your office, and it smelled so bad that it made you laugh until your boss walked in the door?

Me neither.

G-Man is The Gangster of Love.

Get well, Jo B.

I wish there were more stories like this on the evening news. – Thanks, Tory K.

Grandma is making pancakes for breakfast. – Thanks, Jennifer P.

I would love to put more links up tonight but my ISP keeps going down.

They can say what they want.

Benny

I was thinking about James Cameron yesterday, and how he claims to have found the 1st Century tomb of Jesus Christ.  Then I started asking myself why don’t we send this genius into the mountains of Pakistan and ask him to find Osama bin Laden? 

At a minimum, he should use his expertise to tell us the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.

Last weekend, I did some spring cleaning.  And by spring cleaning, I mean I dusted.  

However, I was able to get a major home improvement accomplished.  I hung four wine glass racks.  One of them is holding margarita glasses and now, every time I see them hanging upside down, I start craving that frozen concoction that helps me hang on.

I love it when Ashley Alexander reads the mail on Imus in the Morning.  Is this girl cute, or what?  I think this may finally be it for me.

Setting a co-worker straight – Thanks, Freddie R.

Tyra Banks cops a feel from American Idol’s Katharine McPhee.  Sweet.

Send a personalized greeting from Britney Spears.  Don’t type “Dick” as your name because I already tried it and she says “Richard.”  Damn.

Don’t know the reason, stayed here all season.

Benny

I admit to watching a bit of the Academy Awards last night which could have easily doubled as the 2008 Democratic National Convention.  After watching a gay guy comment on Mark Wahlberg’s “stunning” Armani suit and an award for best makeup, I turned the channel to HBO and caught a couple of Entourage reruns. 

I made one observation on Oscar Night - Al Gore is fat.  His next documentary should be called An Inconvenient Baby Ruth.  

In another example of liberal hypocrisy, The Tennessee Center for Policy Research is reporting that Gore’s suburban Nashville mansion consumes more electricity in a month than the average American household uses in an entire year.  Douche bag.

Filmmaker James Cameron has produced a documentary in which he claims to have found the tomb of Jesus Christ, his wife Mary Magdalene and their son.  Isn’t this the same guy who brought us other documentaries such as The Terminator and True Lies?

Note to self: Never stand next to James Cameron in a lightning storm.

The Van Halen Tour may still happen.  This story is starting to remind me of Britney’s rehab stints.

Listen to all of the Bud Light Presents… commercials.

Meet the Press for Idiots

Cat Boxing with commentary

Kid doesn’t realize he’s being taped

Feeding the Homeless

I’ll be back.

Benny

Why is the court battle for Anna Nicole’s body considered Breaking News?  Not too long ago, President Reagan getting shot or the Challenger disaster were worthy of breaking news stories.  Nowadays, a Fox News Alert is issued when Britney Spears enters rehab.

Tip of the Day

Never go on eBay when you’ve been drinking.  I received an email today notifying me that I was the winning bidder on a Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirt.  I don’t even remember bidding on it.

Dani-girl’s purse was stolen at Mardi Gras last weekend.  Her camera was inside so all of her pictures were lost.  She sends her sincerest apologies to everyone, and already has a new camera. 

KFC sign the DNC probably doesn’t appreciate. – Thanks, Chuck H.

Jason Whitlock’s commentary on the recent NBA All-Star weekend fiasco in Las Vegas.  Finally, the guy writes an article I agree with.

Looks like the Van Halen tour is not happening after all.

Jimmy Kimmel plays Guess What’s in My Pants.

My favorite scene from Curb your Enthusiasm (Warning: Contains profanity.)

Randy uses his new computer for Porno

Well, I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer.

Benny

The post office is quickly becoming one of my least favorite places to be.  Lazy government employees combined with stamp-collecting senior citizens and non-English speaking customers can produce a volatile mix.

I found myself today with number 92; the number on the board was 80.  I was just trying to mail a package during my lunch break, but evidentially the people in front of me didn’t have anywhere else to go. 

One post office employee discussed American Idol with her customer while her counterpart tried to communicate with a burka-wearing Indian chick who hadn’t quite grasped the English language.

Not surprisingly, there were two employees to wait on 15 customers, and the line was growing.

The next call of numbers produced an office manager trying to purchase rolls of stamps with an unsigned company check, and an elderly lady wanting to see all of the new designs for her collection.  I stood there looking at the others in line as if we were silently plotting a mutiny.

I waited twenty minutes, and mailed my package.  Before I left, the government employee asked, “Do you need any stamps?  Would you like your receipt?  Is there anything else we can get you?”

I answered, “No, yes, and the last 20 minutes of my life back, please.”

Have you ever dated someone so young that they’ve never heard of Huey Lewis and the News?

Me neither.

J-Mac story from ESPN – I told someone over the weekend that I would put up this link.

John Belushi trains with Little Chocolate Donuts.  Watch this before NBC makes YouTube remove it.

Anna Nicole – whacked out of her mind.

PlayStation 3 vs. Wii

Under-Ease - anti-flatulence underwear

Hidden tricks using Google’s search engine.

Why Gilligan never left the island.  (Warning: Contains nudity and graphic sexual content.) – Thanks, Bob F.

We’re gonna come around at twelve with some Puerto Rican girls that are just dyin’ to meet you.

Benny

I appeared in court on Friday for what I now refer to as the MetroLink Fiasco of ’06.

Waiting in the hallway for the court doors to open, I found myself surrounded by idiots.  I was also the only Caucasian in sight; not that there’s anything wrong with that. 

One guy announced that he had bus tickets for sale.  Someone quickly replied that if he had $10, he would buy some.  “Those gonna go quick” he added.

A rather large woman stood next to me playing with her cell phone.  The bus ticket salesman told her that she had better put it away or the court would take it.  She yelled, “How they gonna take my cell phone when they don’t pay my beals?”  Classic. 

Still, another guy wearing a Tupac-style bandana was pacing the floor talking to himself.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  I was the first person to be called, plead guilty, and paid my fine.  I exited the courthouse to the streets of downtown St. Louis where I was promptly asked if I wanted to buy some bus tickets. 

Several brawls and shootings erupted in Las Vegas during the NBA All-Star weekend.  Why is this not getting more air time than the death of Anna Nicole Smith or Britney’s hairdo?

In case you haven’t seen it yet, Britney shaved her head.  This chick is running out of places to shave.

Hooters introduced a new energy drink that is scheduled to hit store shelves this spring.  I bet it comes in really big cans.  Heh, heh, I said big cans.

Reporter crashes ATV during live broadcast.

Joe Rogin confronts Carlos Mencia for being a hack.  (Warning: Contains profanity.)

I don’t know what this smokin’ hot weather girl is saying, but I watched her forecast anyway.

I want something else.

Benny

Whew. You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.

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