Former NBA player Tim Hardaway told a radio station that he hates gay people.  His comments come a week after another former NBA player, John Amaechi, came out of the closet.  Yesterday, someone on the radio said that Amaechi’s teammates should have known he was gay when his only endorsement was for Linens ‘n Things.

All the Reasons I Ain’t Queer by Rodney Carrington

An Indian (towel head; not tonto) gets caught cheating on his wife on live radio.  I like the way he explains that American women ”use their mouths.”   Only the good ones, Kumar.

I want a Cruzin Cooler. - Thanks, Freddie R.

Naked man runs through the snow during live weather report. 

Bob Saget as himself on “Entourage.”  (Warning: Contains profanity.)

I am the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.

Benny

The wind chill is two degrees Fahrenheit and it snowed 6 inches today.  That Al Gore’s full of shit, man. 

So, I’m looking for a Valentine’s Day Card today for Chickie Poo, and found myself surrounded by eight other guys rummaging through a mess of leftover cards that nobody wanted.  Just when I thought the mission had failed, I found one that saved the day - one that already had a personal message written in it.

I crossed out the “To” and “From” and replaced them with hers and mine.  I made sure not to lick the envelope because it looked like it had already had been licked. 

A security guard stopped me on the way out on suspicion of shoplifting, but I showed him the card and told him that I had brought it into the store by mistake.  Besides, I had already paid for overpriced wine and flowers.

Here’s the card.

Dear Chi Chickie Poo, I can’t say it enough… I am very proud of all of your accomplishments.  You have a wonderful personality and a great attitude towards life - that you lift everyone’s spirits.  Thank you for everything you do.  You are a special person.  May God continue to bless you.  Always, Celia Benny.

The front of the card was pre-printed with, “Do you know how special you are?” 

Celia wrote inside, “I do.” - Thanks, Celia.

Happy Valentines Day

One for the ladies

Love in the animal kingdom

Dad teaches son how to pick up chicks

I’m a smoker.  I’m a midnight toker.

Benny

I ate at a Japanese steak house with Chickie Poo on Friday night.  After the chef started cooking at our table, he asked if anyone was celebrating a special occasion.  The girl next to us said that it was her birthday.  I followed her comment by raising my hand and proclaiming that I had lost my virginity earlier in the day.

The chef said, “Ah, you have happy ending today.”  It sounds funnier if you say it in a Japanese voice.

He then proceeded to build an onion volcano and said, “I have something special for you.”  Again, it sounds funnier in a Japanese voice.  Soy sauce was poured down the top, lit on fire, and came shooting out the top like a purple haze of spew. 

I thought it was funny, but it could have just been the four bottles of sake.

To remember the evening, I took a picture of my soup appetizer.

Have you ever spent a Sunday afternoon walking a dressed-up canine in a dog parade because the girl you’re dating thought it would be fun?

Me neither. 

The Police opened the Grammys last night.  Today, they announced their 30th anniversary world tour.

Isn’t Best Rap Album an oxymoron?

I’ve never been a supporter of breast reduction surgery, but this changed my mind. - Thanks, Scott B.

Rosie O’Donnell makes fun of Anna Nicole Smith hours before her death. 

CNN’s Jack Cafferty asks Wolf Blitzer if Anna Nicole Smith is still dead.  Douche bag.

Airport Prank

The difference between how Women and Men shower.

You don’t have to put on the red light.

Benny

I was busy tonight, so I only have time for a quick joke.  However, I will be working diligently over the weekend on my salute to Black History Month.

Joke of the Day 

A guy phones up his boss’ house, but gets the boss’ wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

“I’m afraid he died earlier today,” she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

“I told you,” the wife replies, “he died yesterday.”

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, “I’ve already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?”

“Because,” he replies, laughing, “I just love hearing it!”

Yesterday’s news about the alleged love triangle between astronauts got me to thinking about something I’ve always wondered.  Has NASA ever performed experiments on human sexuality in space? 

Sex in zero gravity would probably require some sort of apparatus in order to hold a fornicating couple together.  Otherwise, thrusting could be a serious problem.  However, foreplay would no longer be an issue.

I’ve often fantasized about being strapped into a seat on the Space Shuttle directly across from Pamela Anderson.  In my perverted dream, I rub one out, and watch the fruits of my labor slowly drift toward her while she eagerly awaits my payload with her mouth wide…

But, I digress… 

Stupidity Tax Offense: Using “lol” or “ ” to express laughter in an email or post. - Cha Ching!  $10.

I like shopping at Trader Joe’s, but I always feel like hugging a tree when I leave.

AMC Theaters is offering a chance to see all of this year’s Oscar nominees for Best Picture on Saturday, February 24th.  For $30, you can watch all five films, and get unlimited refills of popcorn and soda. 

I’m hoping adult book stores follow their lead.

Manage your anger safely by playing Whack Your Boss.

This chick must have great friends. - Thanks, Mike K.

Balls Out Jeans (Warning: Contains nudity.)

Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.

Benny

This is the worst time of the year for watching sports on TV.  The weekends leading up to March Madness are going to be filled with figure skating and bowling.  I would like to take this opportunity to thank the person who started Women’s Pro Beach Volleyball.

Last week, I got “carded” at a popular restaurant chain when I ordered a beer.  Apparently, the popular restaurant chain doesn’t offer vision insurance to their employees.

Tickets to Ozzfest will be free this summer.  I’m debating whether it’s still worth the price of admission.

YouTube is hosting a Puberty Sucks contest where contestants upload videos of painful pubescent memories.  I didn’t watch any of the videos because that would eat into my porn surfing. 

However, I have a lot of stories from this time in my life.  One that immediately comes to mind is the time I swallowed two Black Beauties (speed) a guy in gym class sold me.

Not knowing the side effects of amphetamines on one’s manhood, I became concerned when my Twinkie shriveled up like a scared turtle.  I raced home after school, and locked myself in the bathroom with a Cheryl Tiegs poster. 

Forty-five minutes later, the lil’ guy regained consciousness, and I rubbed out the poison.  I also had to come up with a story for two concerned parents.

4 Idiots (Warning: Contains profanity.) - Thanks, Tom K. in FLA.

Learning one of life’s lessons at an early age. - Thanks, Sheila L.

How to tell when you’ve pissed off an engineer. - Thanks, Tom d G.  I don’t get it, but then again, I flunked college algebra; twice. 

Birthday Calculator - Thanks, Dani-girl.

Wetback English Lessons - Thanks, Freddie R.

USAF Staff Sergeant Michelle Manhart was relieved of duty last month after posing nude in Playboy.  (Warning: Contains nudity) - Thanks, Leo K.

I need a raincoat.

Benny

I survived the Super Bowl, but my two best bets went 0-2.  I’m doubling up on the NFC in the Pro Bowl.  You’ll see me driving around town in a new Escalade with my bookie’s name on the license plate because he paid for it. 

We watched the game at Tom’s, and somehow managed to go through two 30-packs of Natty Light.  Shocker.  I don’t remember much from last night, but was able to watch the Super Bowl Ads this morning on usatoday.com.

The only one they don’t have is Dave and Oprah’s Super Bowl of Love. 

During the game, Dani-girl read excerpts from the latest edition of “Barely Legal.”  Good times.

I was glad to see Van Heusen advertise during the Super Bowl.  Just like that, three shirts in my closet are cool again.

Rachel Ray’s Tasty Travels: St. Louis airs on Tuesday night, February 6th at 8:30 (CT) on The Food Network.

How to Open Your Locked Door with a Tennis Ball  WTF?

Red Sox Boob Flash (watch the girl in the white.)

Always make sure you choose the right girl. - Thanks, Freddie R.

Paris Hilton uses the N-word.  (Warning: Contains profanity.)  It’s like watching a train wreck.

Ghetto Prom Pictures - Thanks, Bob, F.

Compton and Long Beach together, now you know you in trouble.

Benny