Today is the last day of my cycle.  Yes, men have cycles too; cell phone billing cycles. 

A few months ago, I signed a new contract with my cell phone company, but failed to notice that if I exceed the minutes in my plan by three hundred, I get charged $.50 per minute thereafter. 

I refuse to use my company cell phone for personal use, so I’m spending the day in a self-imposed blackout.  Besides, my company phone drops calls more often than Al Sharpton talks race. 

My company is looking into getting a replacement phone, but I made it known that I do not want one with a GPS tracking device.  If I ever worked for a company that tracked my every move on a website, I would hand the phone to a UPS driver in the morning, and pick it up at night.  

That’s what Brown can do for me.

The Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian, make tonight a wonderful thing.

Benny

Chickie Poo was in town last night, so I didn’t have time to write. I will make a lengthier and immature post this evening, but in the meantime, ask yourself the following question.

Have you ever been out of chewing tobacco, too tired to drive and get a new can, “re-dipped” by pulling a blob from the previous night’s spit cup, put the dip into your mouth, instantaneously realize that you also pissed into the same cup, and ran to the bathroom to rinse and spit repeatedly?

Me neither.

I was at a convention a few years ago, which coincidentally, was the same convention that produced the Rickshaw Incident.

This story occurred on day four. 

After three nights of excessive drinking and bed wetting, I walked back to my room for a quick nap before dinner.  As I got closer, I noticed the housekeeping cart was parked outside my door, which was open. 

I figured the maid was just cleaning my room, but when I walked in, I found three maids holding my mattress on its side and pointing to a huge piss stain.  They were screaming in Spanish to a female manager who was holding a walkie-talkie.  

“He just walked in.  I’ll call you back,” she said.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Did something happen to your mattress?” the manager replied.

“Yeah, it was the craziest thing.  I fell asleep holding a full beer last night and it spilled everywhere.”

“Are you sure that’s what happened?” she prodded.

“Does it really matter?”

“No.”

“Then why don’t you make this easier on both of us and get a new mattress up here with a pad on it?  And make it snappy because I need a nap.”

I love to travel.

Bennifer, Brangelina… now create your own couple name with the Couple name maker. 

The Poof is in the farting.

Grab your dick and double-click, the Internet is for Porn. - Thanks, Mark K.

Why men use post-it notes. - Thanks Dani-girl.

“Good night,” said the night man.  “We are programmed to receive.  You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”

Benny

Mother told me, yes, she told me I’d meet girls like you.  She also told me, “Stay away, you’ll never know what you’ll catch.” 

Just the other day I heard a soldier falling off some Indonesian junk that’s going round.

Minus Imus in the morning…  MSNBC won’t be simulcasting the Imus radio show effective immediately.  What am I supposed to watch now? The Today Show?  Give me a break. 

I’ve never been a huge fan of Don Imus, but I enjoyed watching the show because he always had great guests.  Maybe MSNBC can put Countdown with Keith Olbermann in Imus’ spot.

I just puked in my mouth.

The news comes the same day all charges were dropped against the Duke Lacrosse players.  Someone, who shall remain anonymous, told me the Duke students got off because they were rich white kids.  Nothing could be further from the truth. 

News Flash - The charges were dropped. 

The fact they had money and were white hurt them more than anything.  The real crime is how a lunatic claimed rape, and a prosecuting attorney seeking re-election filed charges without doing his homework. 

From The Summer of Benny Mailbag:

What do you call lesbian twins?  Lick a likes. - Chuck H.

i have to say i completely DISCREDIT your loyalty to entourage…..you didnt make any mention of the season opener- you are not welcome at tom’s next week……. - Dani-girl.

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered! GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Press “1″ for English.
Press “2″ to disconnect until you learn to speak English.
And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.  One died for your soul, the other for your freedom. - Mike K.

Ladies, turn those A Cups into D’s with the Winerack. 

Take the quiz: Which Entourage guy are you? 

I loved this - Navy does Hey Ya. 

Ultimate revenge on a cheating ex-girlfriend (Warning: contains profanity.)

Mommy’s alright, Daddy’s alright, they just seem a little weird.

Benny

Crap, it looks like I’m not the father of Anna Nicole’s baby after all.

How Imus got in trouble.  

Why don’t Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson organize marches in their communities to protest the low high school graduation rates or high out-of-wedlock births?

Sure, there’s no double standard between blacks and whites in the media.  WTF?

Imus producer Bernard McGuirk impersonates New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin.

Eric O’Shea puts music to commercials. - Thanks, Freddie R. 

Red asked me to put a link to one of his favorite movie scenes from his adolescence - Cool Hand Luke - Car Wash.  I wonder how many socks the little pervert ruined.

ALTON: “We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. (Long pause) There’s nothing funny about that.”

Lil’ Bro sent me this because he thought it was me - Drunken stranger passes out in little boy’s bed…and wets it.

I’ve waited hours for this, I’ve made myself so sick, I wish I’d stayed asleep today.

Benny

Have you ever driven thirty miles to a sales call only to discover that your meeting was actually scheduled for the next day?

Me neither. 

Geraldo versus Bill O’Reilly

My favorite urinal and my favorite hotel.  Thanks Dani-girl and Michael O. respectively.

A prospective Denver Broncos cheerleader auditions on the first day of tryouts in Denver on March 25, 2007

Evolution of The Simpsons

Messy headed Don Imus will be off the air for two weeks beginning next Monday.

One break coming up.

Benny

I’ll be back on Monday after the Easter Holiday. 

Be careful out there because the Easter Bunny wants to kick your ass.

Benny