Archive for May, 2007

I’m writing tonight from the clubhouse because my apartment has an odor, and I don’t feel like cleaning.

Across the room are three Indians (dots; not Tontos), conversing loudly in their native language.

Three men sitting behind me are having a bible study. They are praying while I surf the internet.

I don’t mind the praying, but the guys yakking it up in Hindi are getting on my nerves.

Chickie Poo asked me to wish her dog, Addison, a happy birthday today. I refused because dogs can’t read. However, I will give a shout out to Lil’ Bro who turned 30-something yesterday.

Parody 

Back Wax: $54
Hair Color: $10
Spending a day at the pool feeling like your 20-years old again: Priceless

There are some things money can buy. For everything else, there’s The Summer of Benny.

Conan O’Brien visits a writer on his staff who called in sick.

NILF – News I’d Like to F–k.

Vodka in a stapler suddenly makes work tolerable.

Will Ferrell plays The Boss from Hell.

This is where we used to live.

Benny

bootylicious 

Ah yes, summer is finally here…

Three-day weekends are what I’m all about. No worrying on Sunday night that I’d better slow down the drinking and get ready for the work week. There’s another day of fun ahead, so who needs another Gin and Chronic?

I must be a pervert because I watched a little bit of the Indy 500, and couldn’t stop fantasizing about Danica Patrick.

I envisioned her becoming the first female winner of the race, taking off her helmet in Victory Lane, shaking her hair from side-to-side, slowly unzipping her race suit, and pouring the celebratory milk down her naked body.

Is that wrong?

Over the weekend, I went to something called Rib America. It could have easily been called, “The Over-Priced, Has-Been Bands of the ’80′s, White Trash Festival.”

I saw Night Ranger perform, but left before Pat Benatar hit the stage. Seven dollar beers, disgusting outdoor restrooms, and a homo putting his arm around me were not worth staying to hear “Hit Me with your Best Shot.”

Dani-girl uploaded new pictures

Alright, this show looks funny enough that I may reconcile with my cable company. Here’s a clip from the new HBO show Flight of the Conchords – Most Beautiful Girl in the Room.

Fast Treadmill - I think this guy owns the liquor down the street that I refuse to patronize.

Valtrex – Because your herpes is none of their business. (Warning: Contains profanity.)

CILF – Cartoons I’d Like to F–k. (Warning: Contains profanity.)

You’re motoring. What’s your price for flight?

Benny

The absence of cable television hit me hard late last night. I was in the mood to flip, but went through the channels quickly as there are only five. I don’t get ABC.

Here were my viewing choices last night:

CBS: Al Gore on Letterman (Please)
NBC: Kevin Costner on Leno (Arrogant, self-promoting dill weed)
Local CW11: King of Queens (The wife is hot, but a Scientologist)
Fox: Access Hollywood (I’d watch, but I have a brain)
PBS: BBC World (WTF?)

King of Queens won in a landslide.

I caught a bit on BBC World about a cyclist who uses a wind tunnel to find the optimum position of his body on the bike. Since the test, he improved his finishing place from 58th to 2nd.

This got me to thinking about jockeys. Why not get John Velazquez, the jockey of Circular Quay, in this frickin’ wind tunnel before the Belmont on June 9th? We can keep the test a secret, and watch him win the third jewel of the Triple Crown at long odds. Cha Ching.

The #1 Song on This Date in History  Go to this site to find the #1 song on any given date.

Typical Raiders fan

I’m the lone crap shooter, playin’ the field every night.

Benny

SOB

I suffered a tragic loss recently; I cancelled my cable service. This decision was not easy because I am a lazy person who loves to spend hours flipping aimlessly through 500 channels; not to mention the late night access to porn on Skinemax.

My decision was made after I spent an entire evening on the phone with my cable company trying to explain that there was an error on my bill. I had been charged for a cable modem that had already been paid for in full.

All five people I spoke with were located in another country, spoke little English, and read from a script. I don’t think they had a written response for, “MF, WTF?”

The following day I received a call from another cable company employee. And, guess what? He was an American, and spoke perfect English. He apologized for the error, promised to correct it, and offered me discounts on my services for a year.

I told him, “Thanks, but I have no desire to learn another language just to deal with your customer service.”

Besides, I’m going to spend my free time this summer working on my debut rap album.

Here’s a prime example of how things get lost in translation.

Mexican Tourism Commercial – Thanks, Tory K.

Have you ever had someone call you after they saw a recent picture and said, “Hey man, I thought you’ve been working out? You’re still fat.”

Me neither.

2007 Preakness Running of the Urinals – Thanks, John M.

Invisible Fence Commercial - Thanks, Lance M.

American Idol is finally over, and now we can enjoy American Porno Idol (Warning: Contains adult material.)

Reusable Condom (Warning: Contains adult material.)

If I’m ever reincarnated…

The long awaited debut of Dani-girl at the pool could happen this weekend. She had to get new bathing suits because none of the old ones fit her “new rack.” Sweet.

Crank up the drums, crank out the bass, crank up my Les Paul in your face.

Benny

I got up early this morning and read through a years worth of posts. After navigating through the various days and months (it reads better if you start with the first day of each month), I came away with three things.

  1. I crack myself up
  2. I might have a drinking problem
  3. I’m not a big fan of the hip hop culture

I was amazed to see the link to The Summer of Benny Tattoo still works. I was equally amazed at the number of times I reference poop and pee.

I’m going to take a few days off. Chickie Poo is coming into town tonight, and the last thing she wants to do is watch me toss back beers, and search the internet for funny videos.

Got you on my mind.

Benny

I had intended to write a celebratory message for the 1-year anniversary of the first post but decided to drink at the pool instead. Shocker.

It’s been a great year. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve peed.

I’ve also grown a lot during these past 12 months, and I’m not talking about maturity. I’ve actually gotten bigger.

I’ll write more tomorrow when I’m sober.

Benny

1. Curlin
2. Snoopy
3. Prickly Pete

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