Regular readers know that I periodically use this forum as an advice column. Past topics have ranged from adult bedwetting to nut powder.

Today, I address the issue of women and their shoes.

I’ve been with a fair amount of women, and seen a million more. I can remember their faces, t*ts, and asses, but not a single pair of shoes. Honestly, not a single pair.

My colleagues (college buddies) agree. Most of them can describe parts of a woman’s anatomy in such vivid detail, they could be police sketch artists. But ask them what type of shoes she was wearing, and you draw a blank stare.

So ladies, put away your purse before buying that 40th pair of footwear. Instead, spend the money on make-up, breast enhancement, or a treadmill.

The men of the world will remember you.

I can’t wait.

Benny

I changed my mind. Play these in exact order.
Street Sense
Hard Spun
Curlin
Imawildandcrazyguy

My top pick in the Oaks Mistical Plan grabbed the lead at the top of the stretch, but faded to 5th at 24-1. The favorite Rags to Riches won for fun.

I feel horrible for letting everyone down.

But hey, today is Cinco de Mayo and Derby Day. Put on your Urban Sombrero, and head to the track.

Kentucky Derby 133
Saturday, May 5, 3:30 p.m. ET on NBC

I could probably make a case for every horse winning the race, but you have to take a stance somewhere. Here are my picks..

Circular Quay
Nobiz Like Showbiz
Tiago
Curlin

Box these in an exacta. If your bet doesn’t hit, there’s always the De La Hoya/Mayweather fight tonight.

Ay, ay, ay…

Adios.

Benny

Has anyone seen Crowe Dog lately?

If you don’t follow horse racing, politics, The Sopranos, or Entourage, turn the page.

Comments and predictions for some of this weekend’s TV…

Kentucky Oaks
Friday, May 4, 5 p.m. ET on ESPN2

If you’re not a native of the bluegrass state, or have a gambling problem, chances are you’ve never heard of the Kentucky Oaks. The race is essentially a female version of the Derby, and is contested the day before the big race. The locals consider it their Derby Day.

The obvious favorite is Rags to Riches who is coming off an impressive win in the Santa Anita Oaks. That race was on March 11th which is an awfully long time ago. The morning line is 5/2, but she will most likely be bet down to even money. The forecast calls for rain, so let’s find a mudder, and try to beat her.

1. Mistical Plan (12/1) – She has won both on the lead and from off the pace. Flores was aboard her when she closed from six lengths back in the Sunshine Millions Oaks. That race was six furlongs, so you have to wonder if she can get the 1 1/8 mile distance today. I think she can.

2. Autobahn Girl (15/1) – She’s never raced in a graded stakes before, but Nick Zito doesn’t enter horses for the fun of it. Her breeding suggests that she can get the distance, and her daddy was a mudder.

3. Dawn After Dawn (30/1) – She closed to be third at 55/1 odds in the Ashland. Her mother was a mudder.

Box these three in an exacta. If it hits, do a little jig, and let it ride on the Derby.

Then again, you might see Rags to Riches, Dreaming of Anna, and Cotton Blossom run 1-2-3. If this is the case, find a cash machine.

20/20
Friday, May 4, 10 p.m. ET on ABC 

ABC has been hyping this night for a week.  They are set to air an investigative report on the DC Madam who supplied female escorts to upscale clients in the nation’s capital. A lot of people are expecting high-level government officials to be exposed as clients.

My best guess is that Brian Ross will out a few low-level Republicans, and get the high ratings ABC is seeking during May sweeps.

I will guarantee one thing; former New Jersey Gov. James McGreevey won’t be mentioned as a client.

The Sopranos
Sunday, May 6, 9 p.m. ET on HBO

With a handful of episodes left, why were we introduced to a new character like Vito’s idiot son last week? And why did we have to watch him take a crap in public?

Tony confiding to Hesh about Paulie, Christopher, and Bobby being “f–king murderers” spoke volumes. One of them is going to be removed from the storyline soon, and my best guess is that it’s going to be Bobby.

Christopher’s two Middle-Eastern business associates who always seemed to be at the Bada Bing last season were mentioned briefly last week. They haven’t been seen or heard from in a while, but I expect they’ll be a part of this week’s episode.

Hesh might want to watch his back because there’s no way T’s ego will allow him to borrow $200k from his wife to settle a debt.

Entourage 
Sunday, May 6, 10:00 p.m. ET on HBO

I like Amanda, but I love Ari. I’m talking characters here. As hot as her ass looked in the black lingerie last week, Vinny has to cut her loose soon. He’s only fallen for one girl; Mandy Moore.

Amanda may be head-over-heals, but Vinny, well, he’s Vinny. The guy gets more pu–y than a toilet seat at the Rose Bowl.

It’s not farfetched to think E will take care of the Amanda situation. All he has to do is ask Ari for help, and bye-bye Amanda.

Only Drama would count the pseudo “Punk’d” as his second pilot of the year.

A hot picture of Sloan.

Check back on Saturday morning for my exclusive Derby picks. Don’t get too excited, my last winner was Alysheba in ’87.

Mama always said you’d be The Chosen One.

Benny

I made a life-changing decision today. This decision did not come easy, and I realize there will be slips as I begin my new journey.

I am going to succumb to worldwide pressure, and place a single space after a sentence instead of two.

I’ve been researching this topic for over a year. The general consensus is that the original “two-space rule” goes back to the old days of the typewriter when each letter was the same width. Today, almost all fonts are proportional, so the extra space is unnecessary.

Whatever.

I still plan on getting drunk, and pee the bed.

I just snapped into a Slim Jim.

Cow Kung Fu Kick

Grandma tells terrorists what to do. (Warning: Contains profanity.)

Think you’re a true fisherman? Take the Angler Quiz – Thanks, Tom d G.

See side shots of celebrity boobs at sideboobs.org. (Warning: Contains nudity.)

Why do you drink? Why do you roll smoke?

Benny

Last weekend was a classic. 

I got together with some college buddies for our annual spring golf tournament.  It started on Friday night when Red stood behind a guy at 7-Eleven buying a bottle of Pimp Juice and a box of condoms. 

“What the hell is Pimp Juice?” Red asked.

“Man, you’re old.  And White,” I replied.

Later, I took Chickie Poo to meet the boys and their wives.  They were intrigued by her youth.  I got drunk and passed out.

We played golf on Saturday, and told stories afterwards until 4 AM.  Actually only three of us made it to midnight, and there’s a good chance I was talking to myself after 1:30. 

I slept on the floor as a goodwill gesture to my guests.  They didn’t bother thanking me because they all knew the horrible truth.  No matter where they slept, the odds were pretty good it had been peed on.  It’s something we don’t talk about anymore.

Summer is right around the corner so I bought a bottle of diet pills.  The directions state that taking three tablets daily along with a sensible diet and exercise will help me lose weight. 

If I ate a sensible diet and exercised, I wouldn’t need a frickin’ pill.  WTF?

Entourage – The secret of their success.

Joke of the Day: The Koala Bear and the Lizard – Thanks, Chuck H.

Okay, I admit the Royals aren’t very good, but is this headline necessary?

Suprise visitor at this year’s White House Easter Egg Hunt – Thanks, Ken B.

Bruce Willis drunk at an NBA game (Warning: Contains profanity.)

Does anyone actually care about the NBA playoffs?

David Spade comments on a recent Hip Hop Summit on The Showbiz Show.

Chappelle’s Show – The Niggar Family (Warning: Contains profanity.) - Thanks, Sheila L.

Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.

Benny