7-7-7; lucky day my ass.

I began the day with a trip to McDonalds for breakfast (Hey, I can’t give up all of my bad habits at once.) I was next in line, but before the idiot taking orders said anything to me, he turned back to his homies in the kitchen and said, “I ain’t din nuttin’ today.”

Ain’t din nuttin’ today? WTF?

He finally asked what I wanted, and I told him number eight. You know you’re about to eat healthy when you order by number.

He wiped his nose on his McShirt sleeve and replied, “Oh man, we outta burritos, man.”

I said, “You know, you’re the reason customer service is being outsourced overseas.” And then I walked out.

Most of the day was spent at the pool getting scorched by the sun and drinking a massive amount of water. Dani-girl told me that she is going to be participating in a charity auction at the Trainwreck Saloon on July 25th. Just to clarify – you can take Dani-girl to dinner if you are the highest bidder. Tell your wife it’s for a good cause.

Tom is also being auctioned. If I only had the gay photographer’s phone number in San Diego.

I watched some of the Live Earth concerts before going to bed. This is the planet saving scheme concocted by Al Gore. I had to quit watching after a few minutes. It made me sick thinking about the amount of fuel wasted by the musicians. They travel on private jets getting to their shows, and then tell me to brush my teeth in the shower to save water? STFU.

Why I quit running

Best Husband Ever

These guys should not be dog owners.

I’m going green today.

Benny

So my buddy Matt M. calls me on day five and says, “Benny, you’ve proven your point. Now, go to the pool on Saturday with a cooler full of beer. Nobody will think less of you.”

“What, did you bet against me?” I asked.

“Yeah, twenty bucks with Red.”

He had me fooled until he brought Red’s name into the story. Red has known me for over twenty years, and there’s no way he’s betting on this horse to win.

I just passed the half-mile pole.

Benny

I forgot to mention a couple of events from my Fourth of July.

First, I was able to apologize to the last person remaining on my list from last month’s pool party. Apparently, I used a chick’s $1,000 Prada purse to wipe marinara sauce from my mouth. She was at the pool on the 4th, so I told her that I was sorry. She accepted, but I still don’t understand how someone brings such an expensive purse to a pool party. She probably had less than a hunskie inside.

My name is Earl.

Second, Kobayashi cost me a hunskie when he didn’t win this year’s hot dog eating contest. I bought a package of Nathan’s hot dogs at the grocery store yesterday. I’m going to eat them in twelve minutes.

The drunks at the pool may be right; my patience is wearing thin without beer. My friend Nancy called last night after catching up on the SOB. She said that she was proud of me, and if I can make it ten days, then I can make 10 more. I called her a whore.

The worst job in the world (Warning: Contains profanity)

Jay Leno interviews Paris Hilton

Dave Letterman – Inaccuracies in The Paris Hilton Interview

Close the shades, I’m watching Maria Sharapova.

Drunk Dunk

Watch this guy pass out at a baseball game.

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
- Ben Franklin

Benny

I managed to make it through July 4th without beer, or any other type of alcohol for that matter. Amazing. This was not easy as my pool pals consumed three 30-packs of Natty Light on our country’s birthday. That’s 90 beers for those too hungover for math.

It wasn’t a bad day. I got some sun, and grilled in the afternoon. I was told by several people that my lack of patience was noticeable. I told them to keep their drunk-ass opinions to themselves.

July 4th in Benny History

1996: Fair St. Louis with Lisa. Watched fireworks from casino boat.

1997: Party in KC at Shannon’s house.

1999: Fireworks in Kirkwood with Paula.

2001: Fair St. Louis with Drunkie Drunk in afternoon. Fireworks in Kirkwood at night.

2002: Pool at condo.

2003: Pool party at Lil’ Bro’s. Got drunk. Last pool party Lil’ Bro has invited me to. 

2004: Pool party at Jane’s in afternoon. Fair St. Louis with Nancy in evening. Saw Wallflowers and Gin Blossoms underneath the Arch. Fireworks.

2005: Fireworks in Kirkwood with Red & Mark K. I’m not sure how I spent the day prior to the fireworks, but a safe bet is at the track.

2006: Pool. Then FP, Fast Eddie’s and Loading Dock with B-Unit & Crowe Dog.

2007 – Pool. Grilled. Sober.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman (1906-1998)

Benny

There are only a few hours left in my second day on the wagon. Tomorrow will be the real test, but tonight wasn’t easy. After work, I hung out at the pool with a bunch of drunks who apparently think you need to drink to have fun. I was just fine with Xanax and weed. Just kidding.

Man, I’m hungry.

Here are a few responses I received regarding my 10 Days of Sobriety:

“Oh sh-t. What did you do now?” – Matt M.

“Can you please tell me what you did with my brother?” – Lil’ Bro

“What STD do you have? It usually takes antibiotics ten days to work, and you’re not supposed to drink while you’re taking them.” – Tom

“Dude, you better buy a dime bag.” – Niro

“Twenty bucks says you won’t make it.” – Mom

Beginning this Sunday, a new law in Tennessee will require that everyone show their ID to buy beer. A lot of people are upset over this new law, but I think it’s going to substantially increase beer sales. How many middle-aged women driving through Tennessee will buy beer just so they can get carded?

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

Cheers.

Benny

The SOB storyline is about to take a dramatic turn. I’ve decided to avoid alcohol for ten days; starting now. Ten days may not seem like a long time to most people, but regular readers understand this is an eternity for me. In fact, I don’t think I’ve gone a week without beer.

I’m doing this for several reasons. Most important, my liver and kidneys need a break; as does my mattress pad. I also don’t want my family joining Al-Anon and sharing
embarrassing stories about me.

Don’t fret because we’ll still generate plenty of stories during this brief hiatus from Budweiser.

I’m a little concerned about hanging out at the pool with no hops, especially on the 4th of July. Abby once told me that you don’t always have to drink when you go to the pool. I’ve heard of this, but I’m not quite sure how it works.

I drove to KC over the weekend for a wedding. The Saab performed wonderfully with the exception of the A/C, which quit working just in time for summer. Sweet.

Is it just me, or has The Today Show turned into The Princes William & Harry Show? I swear every time I turn it on, they’re either being interviewed by Matt Lauer or planning a concert.

Here’s a cool site that lets you be part of a video game. – Thanks, Andy C.

The Amazing Racist hires some Mexican workers. (Warning: Contains profanity) – Thanks, Sheila L.

Press One for English. – Thanks, Chuck H.

A Cialis Ad with Cuba Gooding Jr. – Thanks, Ken B.

I sobered up and I got to thinkin’. Girl you ain’t much fun since I quit drinkin’.

Benny