Archive for August, 2007

186…Over wins again.

I blame it on the Taco John’s Gina Party graciously brought back from Iowa City last Sunday. Since this is a holiday weekend, and I’m going to the Mizzou/Illinois game on Saturday, next week’s O/U is 184. Losing two pounds should be achievable even after a 3-day weekend.

Dani-girl saw me walking yesterday while driving to the park for her daily run. She left me a voice mail saying that she was impressed and a little surprised that I wasn’t doing what I normally do on a beautiful summer evening – drinking beers at the pool.

Hey, I have some self-control. 

If you feel inclined, vote for The Summer of Benny in the Riverfront Times – Best of St. Louis 2007.

Best Blog: summerofbenny.com
Best Website: summerofbenny.com

A few rules:
(1) All ballots must contain your name, address, phone and email for verification purposes. One vote per person.
(2) A ballot must contain at least six filled-in picks to be counted.
(3) No pick may be repeated more than three times, so don’t put me down for Best Hip-Hop Artist and Best Hip-Hop DJ.

I pulled into Nazareth; I was feelin’ about half past dead. I just need some place where I can lay my head.

“Hey, mister, can you tell me where a man might find a bed?” He just grinned and shook my hand, and “No!” was all he said.

Benny

Based on the responses, I apparently offended quite a few SOB readers with the pictures earlier this week. Let me take this opportunity to say, “You’re welcome.” 

I watched the Chiefs vs. Rams game tonight, and a message kept scrolling at the bottom letting viewers know that “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader” and “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” could be seen after the local news.

This pissed me off on two levels. First, it impeded the view of the game. Second, the local station preempted Seinfeld re-runs to show the other two. I’ve seen every Seinfeld episode a hundred times, but I would rather watch that than the other crap.

I rode the Soul Train (Metrolink) downtown to an appointment this morning. A few stops had passed when a black man walked on and immediately starting asking riders if they wanted to buy CD’s or DVD’s. He opened a carrying case showcasing his goods.

An Asian man seated behind me asked, “Can I pray with a credit card?”

You can’t make this stuff up.

A school system employee in New York is losing his job after officials used the GPS system in his cell phone to track his movements. They discovered he had left work early on numerous occasions.

If I ever have a job that requires me to carry a GPS cell phone, I will hand it to the UPS driver in the morning, and meet him after work for a beer.

I’ll be watching you.

Benny

care meter

Here’s the police report detailing the arrest of Sen. Larry Craig. I think it’s funny the story was broken by a blogger, and I’m posting pictures of puke.

During a press conference, the republican from Idaho said, “Let me be clear: I am not gay. I never have been gay.” I think what he meant to say was, “Let me be clear: I love Dick. I have always loved Dick.”

“Tomato, tomato, that’s my motto.” – King, August 2007.

Here’s hoping you’re not on Craig’s List.

And just when I thought I couldn’t find a bigger hypocrite, democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards says he’d expect Americans to sacrifice their inefficient cars, and specifically to give up their SUVs. He said this…wait for it…after showing up in an SUV. WTF?

In the feel good story of the day, I stumbled across a 100-year old woman celebrating her birthday by smoking her 170,000th cigarette. Score one for the tobacco industry.

W.I.F.E. (Warning: Contains profanity) – Thanks, TJ.

Mrs. Right (Warning: Contains profanity) – Thanks, Ken B.

You love me, but you don’t know who I am.

Benny

After seeing Michael Vick guilty plea yesterday, I guess we finally know who let the dogs out.

On Saturday I redeemed three rolls of quarters ($30) at my local grocery store. The lady behind the counter told me that she would have to count them.

I agreed to wait, and she disappeared into the back. She returned and said, “Sorry for the wait, but we’ve received a lot of bogus rolled coins.”

“No problem”, I replied.

She then started to put the quarters back into the rolls.

“Am I going to have to wait while you do this?” I asked.

“Yes, but you can help.”

Does it get any better than a minority female union worker?

“Can I get my money before you do that?” I asked.

I received no response and had to wait.

Classic.

Someone told me that killing a cricket is bad luck, so I called off the exterminator over the weekend. I caught the little varmint, put him into a plastic bag, and placed him gently outside.

God speed, Chirpy.

I uploaded a few pictures from my digital camera. Below is a synopsis of what living with me is actually like.

Good-bye, old friend.

This is never a good sign.

This is what happens when I switch from vodka to beer.

I don’t make these stories up. Actually, I need help. I would like to setup a webcam, get drunk, and have the night recorded. This will help identify how long I am asleep before it happens.

I could see it was a rough-cut Tuesday. Slow-motion weekdays stare me down.

Benny

188…Over wins. Next week’s O/U – 185. 

I’ve stated that my goal is to be at 175 pounds by September 23rd. But my actual goal is to lose enough weight so that my man boobs don’t jiggle while barreling down the runway on an airplane.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Wearing a fanny pack. Cha Ching! $10.

My 401(k) is up to $300 Million. 

I woke up with the shakes yesterday morning. I hope it’s because I had about a dozen vodka & sodas at Ozzie’s and Trainwreck without eating. The last thing I want is to wake up and run to the refrigerator for vodka like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

The cricket is still alive and hiding somewhere behind my kitchen wall. He knows that I have been trying to find him and his chirps are getting cocky. This should all change when the exterminator comes tomorrow. Last night I pressed the side of my face against the wall and said, “Listen to the bell, Chirpy. It tolls for thee.”

Think you’re having a bad day? – Thanks, Lance M. 

No one better use this technology on the carpet next to my computer desk. – Thanks, Tom.

There is no political solution to our troubled evolution. Have no faith in constitution. There is no bloody revolution.

Benny

Do you ever sing along to this song, but change the lyrics to “Hey There Vagina”?

Me neither.

I got very little sleep last night because of a cricket. At 2 O’clock I removed everything from the kitchen cabinets trying to find the little fu-ker, but never did. He is to me what gophers were to Bill Murray in Caddyshack.

The worst part of having insomnia and no cable is watching Last Call with Carson Daly. The show isn’t even close to being funny. I’m going to start watching every night and try not to laugh. I’ll probably be able to cruise through the holidays.

Break…

The above was written before I went out tonight. Now it’s 1 AM and daddy’s drunk.

Jimmy Kimmel is fu-king hilarious.

Lil’ Bro has been raving about Aurelius’ Rock of Love Recap: Episode 1.

Oh it’s what you do to me.

Benny

As you might have noticed, I’ve been working on the website. And by working on it, I mean I have no idea what I’m doing and am starting to get pissed off.

One of the problems I’ve yet to figure out is why the font is different on single page views than on the homepage. I think I found a fix, but after a few vodkas, it’s probably best to wait until tomorrow to tackle the issue.

Just when my frustration level was hitting critical mass, I get this. It’s a dispute letter written to a credit card company by an SOB reader who recently incurred charges from a strip club for services not rendered.

I hope King made it to Cali. He knows absolutely no one out there, and imagines his first few friends will be bartenders. We wish his new friends nothing but the best because our livers could use the break.

I apologize for not getting to all of the emails, but Ken B. sent a couple of good ones.

Check out the Michael Vick cartoon on this page.

A sign you’re driving too fast.

People say I’m no-good, and crazy as a loon. I get stoned in the morning. I get drunk in the afternoon.

Benny

©2014 The Summer Of Benny, All Rights Reserved