Today I overheard someone saying how much they admired Al Gore for reinventing himself. Sure, he invented the internet, and now he’s saving the planet.

But O.J. Simpson is someone who has really reinvented himself. He went from a star football player, to a Hollywood actor, and then a double murderer.

Oops, I mean an accused double murderer.

My days are getting more difficult as the summer wears on. Here’s a typical day for me:

5:45 – Wake up
6:00 – Work-out (Yes, I exercise)
6:50 – Shower
7:30 – Leave for work
8:00 – Arrive at work
5:00 – Leave work
5:45 - Have a few drinks at the pool
7:00 - Have a few more drinks at the pool
8:30 – Write this website
10:00 – Go to bed
10:20 – Pee the bed

The only ”me” time I have is when I rub one out before I go to the gym in the morning.

The good news is that I was recently a victim of identity theft, and my credit score went up 100 points.

So many people have sent me this video, I can’t resist anymore. Here is Crowe Dog’s dating video.

Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.

Benny

I didn’t cheat on my diet last weekend unless there are carbohydrates in waffles and hash browns.

Thong Girl made a triumphant return to the pool on Saturday. She walked in around 5:00, laid on her stomach, and proceeded to hike her bikini up her ass. I had seen enough, so I swam over with Bob and JT. We talked with her for about a half-hour, but I have no idea what was said.

I spoke with Chickie Poo today after she moved into her new apartment in KC. She had the day off so I suggested she go to the pool with a cooler full of beer. She explained that drinking is not allowed at their pool, and she actually had to sign a document agreeing not to drink there. WTF? That’s like going to the horse races and being told you can’t bet.

FYI – If you ever want to make your financial advisor mad, tell him that your 401(k) retirement plan is Powerball.

In honor of King moving to San Jose, here’s the dinner scene from The Break-Up.

New Dog Toy – Thanks, Tory K & Lil’ Bro.

Angry Office Worker – Thanks, Mike S.

Snoop Dogg Roasts Flava Flav (Warning: Contains profanity – Shocker) – Thanks, Keith.

Ooh dat dress so scandalous. And ya know another ni-ga couldn’t handle it.

Benny

Someone recently asked me about my goals, and I gave the usual yada yada yada so I didn’t look like a slacker. Honestly, I have only one goal in life, and that is for my lips never to touch cock.

So far, so good.

I weighed in at 190 this morning. How I lost 5 pounds in two days is beyond me unless masturbation burns more calories than I thought. I decided against putting updates next to the beer icon because I don’t want to jeopardize someone buying me a drink.

Being on a diet is starting to freak my out. Last night I had a dream about eating garlic bread. I’m not kidding.

It’s been a while since I drank vodka which reminds of the time I went on three-month White Russian binge after watching The Big Lebowski. For nearly 90 days, my evenings were spent drinking vodka, Kahlua and milk while gambling on the internet. Good times.

“Don’t you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He’s already got the two big religions covered, if he ever gets Polish citizenship there’ll be no stopping him.”

I’m in a hurry to get to work and, yada yada yada, have a great weekend.

Benny

Texas Titty Bar

Dani-girl uploaded pictures from last week’s charity auction.

She was sold for $150, but that was late in the evening. Her friend Cari was one of the first to be auctioned, and she was a little nervous. She made us promise to bid up to $40, and we agreed.

Someone started the bidding at $20, I followed with $30, and Tom offered $40. I turned my back to the stage because I thought it was over. Then the emcee started harassing me by saying things like, “Hey, you’re not going to let your buddy outbid you are you?”

I ignored his taunts until he said, “Hey, Drew Carey, I’m talking to you.”

The crowd started applauding so I raised my hand as a goodwill gesture. All of a sudden I heard, “Sold…for $50 to Drew Carey.” Doh.

Regular SOB reader Mike K. gave me a new box spring and mattress set yesterday. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I can’t find anyone to help haul off the old one. Shocker.

Sh-t, after accumulating fifteen years worth of piss, puke and jiz stains, I doubt I can donate it to charity. But I’ll try.

Thanks to Tory K. for today’s picture.

OJ Simpson gets pranked during an interview. – Thanks, Lil’ Bro.

This guy wasn’t a fan of the police taser. – Thanks, Leo K.

Made love to my pillow but it didn’t feel right.

Benny