It’s been a while since I’ve been called a cracker, so thanks to whoever submitted the contact form. My commentary on malls yesterday was a joke. Perhaps you’d be better off reading The Huffington Post. 

Chris Rock on racism (Warning: Contains profanity)

The correct answer to Monday’s Pop Quiz was “d”. Shocker

I don’t read as much as I used to. I actually think I quit reading books in grade school. But several years ago, I was an avid reader of The Daily Racing Form. Some may not consider that reading, but believe me, there’s an art to picking the winner of a $5,000 Maiden Claiming race at Suffolk Downs on a Tuesday afternoon.

Then a left will take you to the interstate. But a right will bring you right back here to me.

Benny

I watched a story on the news in KC over the weekend about a once popular mall being torn down and replaced by a soccer stadium. When I was growing up, this particular mall was the place to be.

I like the way the media tries to spin the reason for the mall’s demise. They mentioned something about shopping habits, but here’s what really happened. White people used to go to the mall. Black people started going to the mall. Rapes, beatings and robberies increased dramatically. White people stopped going to the mall.

Now let’s go to Meteorologist Mike for a check on the weather.

Lil’ Bro and I tailgated with SOB reader Darrell H. at Arrowhead on Sunday. He wanted to know whatever happened to Dani-girl’s auction date. I didn’t realize I hadn’t mentioned anything about it, so here’s the lowdown.

The winning bidder was upset that Dani-girl had a boyfriend. When he found out there was no possibility of romance, he called The Leukemia Society and demanded a full refund, which they granted. Douche bag.

I remember seeing him talking to Dani-girl that night like a dog in heat. When she came back to the table I asked, “Is he Jewish?”

“No, but his parents are,” she replied.

That’s the equivalent of Crowe Dog saying, “I’m not gay, but my boyfriend is.”

KC Wolf tackles rowdy fan at Arrowhead on Sunday. You know it’s going to be a long year when this was the highlight of the day.

It looks like I missed Freaky Friday while in KC. Abby relinquished her babysitting duties for the night, got drunk at Voodoo, and puked in Crowe Dog’s car. Good times.

Summer has come and passed. The innocent can never last.

Benny

Sorry I haven’t written for a few days. Chickie Poo came into town last Wednesday, and we drove to KC the following day. I’m on the Ann Rutledge heading back to the Lou, so I’ll write more tomorrow. In the meantime, see if you can correctly answer the question below.

While driving to the train station today, Chickie Poo said that she was the most excited about which of the following:
(a) She got to spend time with me
(b) She got to visit with my family
(c) The Chiefs beat the Vikings
(d) I didn’t piss her bed

Benny

I believe OJ was innocent and is not a murderer. I also believe the moon is made of cheese and Tiger Woods drives a Buick.

Why the fu-k is Barry Manilow on every channel? He boycotted his appearance on The View because he demanded to be on the show without Elizabeth Hasselbeck. What a douche bag.

I write the songs that make the whole world puke.

Happy Birthday, King. May the force of Armadillo be with you.

Back by popular demand, Gary on the kick drum, come come, come come.

Bud Light Commercial: Wedding Dress - Thanks, Lil’ Bro.

Criss Angel walks through a window – Thanks, Lil’ Bro.

Commercial combining chicks and football – Thanks, Ken B. Sweet.

Read the description of this item sold on eBay. – Thanks, TJ.

They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.

Benny

I didn’t post the weigh-in results last Friday because they were somewhat disappointing – 188. That was a 3 pound increase over the previous week for those keeping score at home.

Obviously I’m not going to get down to 175 by Sunday, but I’m still a game time decision at QB for the Chiefs.

Periodically, I like to dispense advice. I realize it’s usually not taken seriously which is fine. But if you ever find yourself looking for a job and trying to schedule interviews, try to avoid this situation I found myself in last week.

“Let’s get together tomorrow and meet. How does 9 o’clock sound?” I was asked.

“That’s a little early don’t you think?” I replied.

“Okay, how about ten?”

“That’s better. See you then.”

Sweet.

King spent Saturday night in the drunk tank. Apparently, the California police didn’t enjoy the Armadillo as much as the ladies in big MO. I asked if he watched the Arkansas/Alabama game to which he replied, “No. They weren’t showing that particular game in my cell.”

He called us Sunday morning with the details while trying to locate his car. He needs a Cali version of Abby; pronto.

The Man Show: Beer Boy - Hittin’ on the Ladies - Thanks, Chuck H.

The Man Show: Beer Boy - Fake ID

You said you’d stand by me in the middle of Chapter Three. But you were up to your old tricks in Chapters Four, Five and Six.

Benny

Unbelievable…I was confronted by a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses during my walk this morning.

“Have you found Jesus?” one of them asked.

“Yes, and he’s waiting for me at the Catholic Church,” I replied as I pointed up the street.

Before they could respond, I took off running like Carl Lewis; a fat, white Carl Lewis.

I had my annual eye exam this afternoon. My doctor told me that it might be time for me to consider bifocals. I told him that wouldn’t be necessary because I really don’t read that much.

After he put in the drops to dilate my pupils, he asked if I wanted to watch an episode of Veggie Tales while I waited for them to take affect.

“Sure,” I said.

He returned twenty-five minutes later. I told him to make a note in my chart that the patient requests never to be shown an episode of Veggie Tales again.

“No problem,” he laughed.

I left his office with my pupils dilated like I dropped acid at a Grateful Dead concert, but the only song going through my head was from Veggie Tales.

Everybody’s got a water buffalo. Yours is fast but mine is slow.

The Algona Fight Song - The girls from Iowa are from the same hometown as Gina Party. Shocker. 

Sports Observations – Thanks, Chuck H.

Winter will be here before you know it, so check out the first hybrid snowblower. – Thanks, Ken B.

The Guy From Boston Remembers 9/11 (Warning: Contains extreme profanity) – Thanks, Tory. This guy has a slightly different opinion on 9/11 than JC Corcoran had yesterday.

Before I have to hit him, I hope he’s got the sense to run.

Benny

Staying the course on my self-imposed boycott of cable was brutal Saturday morning. While most normal people watched College GameDay on ESPN, my viewing choices included CBS’ Saturday Early Show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and That’s So Raven. I chose the latter, but quickly opted for the gym. They have cable there.

This morning’s traffic report mentioned a stalled motorcycle was slowing traffic. How does a stalled motorcycle slow traffic? Look, if you’re riding a motorcycle on the highway, and it stalls, push the frickin’ thing to the shoulder.

The CD sales guy was on the train again today. I thought about asking if he had copy of Cheap Trick – Live At Budokan, but decided hearing I Want You To Want Me on the way home wasn’t worth an ass-kickin’.

St. Louis radio and TV personality, JC Corcoran - What’s On My Mind: September 11th. He wonders if 9/11 should just go back to being the 11th of September. This made me sick.

Chacarron Fat Kid Remix - This also made me sick, but for a completely different reason.

Miss Teen SC - Map Ad

Funny video about magazine fact checkers – FCU with Bill Murray

The highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive.

Benny