Archive for October, 2007

Correction: Yesterday, I wrote that Dani-girl’s boobs were 18-months old. Actually, they will celebrate their first birthday this Friday, November 2nd. My boner.

Happy Halloween.

This day always reminds of one of the cruelest things I ever did. I was working at a car dealership; a different one than mentioned yesterday.

As an elderly couple walked into the showroom, I bet three other sales reps $20 that I could convince the old man to crawl into the trunk of a Chevy Caprice. That car was a huge hit with retirees.

I walked the couple around the car, showing the various features and benefits (ABC – Always Be Closing.) As we got to the rear of the vehicle, I said, “Look how much room the trunk has. A grown man could fit in there. Why don’t you hop in?”

“Hell no, I’m not getting in there,” he said.

His wife started to join in on the fun by also prodding him to get into the trunk. After a few more requests by me and the Mrs., he finally succumbed to the pressure, and crawled in on all fours looking like an older version of Ned Beatty in Deliverance.

Around the corner, I heard one of the sales guys yell, “Sh-t!”

I collected my $60, and treated some buddies to drinks at a Halloween Party later that night.

– Martin Luther King, Jr. would be so proud. – Thanks, Michael O.

– An omazing rendition of Amazing Grace. – Thanks, Leo K.

– What better way to celebrate the life of Robert Goulet who passed away yesterday by viewing this Will Ferrell classic skit from SNL. (Warning: Contains profanity)

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.

Benny

Happy Birthday Dani-girl. She turns 20-something today, but her boobs are only 18 months old.

A couple of weeks ago, we were discussing how much a man should spend on an engagement ring. Tom said one month salary, I said two months, and Abby said three.

Dani-girl had a set amount in mind – $15,000. What was her reasoning? She said her boobs cost $6,000, so it just makes sense that her engagement ring cost more. Priceless.

Crowe Dog is taking the rest of the week off to celebrate after hearing The Backstreet Boys are releasing a new album. Thanks Tom for the heads-up.

I had lunch with my friend Nancy today. She told me that she met a guy in Massachusetts a few weeks ago, and he is coming into town on Thursday to visit. I told her that maybe the 30th time is a charm.

She seemed unmoved at my attempt at comedy, and went on to say that he is a great guy, and I will really like him. This isn’t possible because I don’t like anyone.

While we ate, I recognized my former used car manager from the dealership I worked at when I first moved to town. I didn’t say “Hi” because my employment didn’t end well.

Here’s what happened…

One Friday night, about fifteen minutes before we closed, an older gentleman walked onto the lot. None of the other sales reps seemed interested, so I walked out and introduced myself.

He immediately started asking for prices on various cars on the lot. With every price I quoted, I got a rude comment back about how our prices were too high.

I finally stopped him, and said, “I’ve only known you for a few minutes, but I can tell you’re just a guy looking for a good buy.”

“Your damn right I am,” he replied.

“Great. Good-bye.” And I walked away.

“I want to talk to the manager right now.”

“Follow me,” I said as I waved him towards the used car shack. “I’m going to need a ride home anyway.”

He told my manager what I had said. My manager asked me if this was true, to which I replied, “Yes, indeedy do, it be true.”

I was fired on the spot. But at least I didn’t have to work on Saturday.

My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.

Benny

I had a mishap with the clippers this morning. My private area was starting to look like I had Don King in a scissor lock, so I decided to give myself a trim. The blades cut me in an area that’s embarrassing to mention. Basically, my balls are bleeding.

We have no time for folk songs.

I would like to write more, but Crowe Dog is on his way over to help me put on a band-aid.

The Jackass guys ride a bull seesaw. (Warning: Contains profanity) – Thanks, Thomas K

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel.

Benny

Jane B. moves to NYC, and then sends this picture to me with a caption that read, “Have you ever been here?”

The very same day, Red called me while driving down a highway in Oklahoma, and asked “Where’s Blue Ribbon Downs?”

“Sallisaw, Oklahoma,” I replied.

“Correct. I just drove by the sign. You are one sick monkey.”

“I know.”

Question 3: Did gambling affect your reputation?

One time in college, I drove to Blue Ribbon Downs with a fraternity brother. We lost all of our money, and left the track with only spare change and a half bottle of Jack Daniels. We had to steal gas to get home. Shocker.

As everyone knows, this Saturday is Breeders’ Cup Day. In lieu of wagering, and most likely losing my ass, I’m going on a winery trip with the Melrose crew.

That being said, the #8 horse in the TVG Breeders’ Cup Sprint caught my attention. If you’re not doing anything at 2:35 PM (Eastern Time) on Saturday, why not toss $10 across the board for a brother?

Betting on Horse Racing for Dummies:

  1. State the TRACK that you would like to wager on.
  2. State the RACE # that you would like to wager on.
  3. State the DOLLAR AMOUNT of your wager.
  4. Tell the TYPE OF WAGER you wish to make (Win, Place, Show, Trifecta, etc.)
  5. State the NUMBER of the horse or horses from the program, on which you wish to bet.

Example: “Monmouth Park, Race #7, $10 Across the Board on #8.”

– This lady has a senior moment. Thanks, Ken.

– A new Bob Dylan music video has surfaced.

Johnny’s in the basement mixing up the medicine. I’m on the pavement thinking about the government.

Benny

I made it back from KC on the train yesterday in a mere 8 hours and 45 minutes. More on that later…

On Friday, I decided to get some sushi before I boarded the train. Seated inside the restaurant, I noticed a group of teenage girls staring at me from their booth. As I grabbed a piece of yellowfin tuna with my chopsticks, one of them walked up and asked, “Are you someone famous?”

“Not yet,” I replied.

I should have said, “You ever watch the Price is Right, bitch?”

But I finished my meal, and headed over to the station.

I brought a few airplane bottles of Jim Beam onboard for the ride. And by a few, I mean six. I refuse to pay $4 for a lukewarm beer, so I opted for two cans of Diet Pepsi at $1.75 each instead. Diet Pepsi is a perfect low-carb mixer with Jimmy.

The chick sitting across the aisle from me provided a new Stupidity Tax Offense – Being over the age of ten, and making loud popping noises with your gum. – Cha Ching! $10.

Most of the weekend was spent with the family. We had a wedding on Saturday, and the reception was Chickie Poo’s first time to meet the extended relatives. At one point, my Aunt walked up to her and said, “Oh, it’s so nice to meet you. We’ve been over at our table wondering if that was you.

I jumped in and said, “That shouldn’t make her nervous.”

Chickie Poo and I left around 8:00, and thought it would be a good idea to see a movie. We watched a piece of sh*t flick called Michael Clayton. Boring. The only thing that kept me awake during the stupid thing was being pissed off after paying $15 for a bag of popcorn and two sodas.

Lil’ Bro took me and his family to Worlds of Fun on Sunday. I’ve never seen the little guy so excited when a stranger handed us four free passes at the entrance to the amusement park.

Late in day, I rode the Spinning Dragon with him, my oldest niece and nephew. The ride is a roller coaster in which the car you are riding spins in circles. When it was over, my nephew proclaimed, “That was the best 20 seconds of my life.”

“Wait until you get older,” I told him.

Lil’ Bro just buried his head in his hands. Most likely thinking about his prom night.

And now for the ride home. The train left KC on time at 7:30 AM. I arrived in St. Louis at 4:15. At one point, we sat motionless on the track for two hours waiting for several freight trains to pass. This was just one of many stops we made during the day waiting for freight trains to pass. I’ve decided the next time I go to KC, I’m going to hop a freight train. They seem to get there a lot faster than Amtrak.

After almost nine hours, I was ready to get off that stupid thing. If you’re a Seinfeld fan, this is what I looked like as the train arrived at the station.

Well blow your whistle freight train. Carry me far on down the track. Well I’m going away, I’m leaving today. I’m goin’, but I ain’t comin’ back.

Benny

Issac (AS) posted a comment yesterday stating that he is boycotting The SOB until there are people of color included in the cast. He makes a good point, and I’ll be happy to add him to the cast page. He can either email a picture to me, or I’ll just use this one.

I’m taking the train to KC this weekend. The five-hour ride should give me time to work on the documentary I’m writing – Black People Don’t Tip.

Gotta go…I’m heading downtown tonight for the Hannah Montana concert. MILF hunting is in season.

But since your dad walked out, your mom could use a guy like me.

Benny

A former SOB cast member moved back to the Lou last weekend from Minneapolis. Sheila E. (Formerly Sheila L.) is Gina Party’s sister. Her last name has not changed because of a marriage or divorce. It just sounds funnier. If you’ve never heard of the musician known as Sheila E., you know the drill.

I volunteered to help with the move. We moved her on Sunday after I spent both Friday and Saturday nights at Ozzie’s. As if lifting heavy furniture with a hangover wasn’t bad enough, her place was on the third floor. Ouch.

Anyway, we got it done just in time for me to get back to Ozzie’s to watch the Chiefs game.

I saw a couple of things yesterday that made me laugh. The first was a “hunting edition” of Busch beer. Do we really need to promote drinking with hunting? I doubt Heineken and Corona will have similar marketing strategies.

The other was an electronic version of Monopoly. Debit cards have replaced the paper money. I guess it’s just a sign ‘o’ the times.

And I said, baby don’t waste your time. I know what’s on your mind. I may be qualified for a one-night stand. But I could never take the place of your man.

Benny

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