Archive for December, 2007

After weeks of intense negotiations and last-minute suggestions, we finally decided to have the New Year’s Eve Party at Tom’s. Abby and Dani-girl aren’t too happy with the decision, but I found it to be a lot better than my alternative which was spending the night at Crowe Dog’s – Alone.

I mean I love the guy like a brother, but there’s no way I’m watching the ball drop at midnight with a guy who just bought the new Backstreet Boys album.

I always forget that January 1st is a Holy Day of Obligation. Going to church with a hangover is nothing new, but Mizzou plays in the Cotton Bowl at 10:30. That means I’ll have to go to the 7:00 Mass.

Will Benny make it to 7:00 AM Mass?
Yes: +$850
No: -$1000

If you don’t know what these odds mean, consider yourself lucky.

I thought about writing The SOB – Year in Review, but it’s time to get my drink on.

Maybe this year will be better than the last.

Benny

kwanzaa

Happy Kwanzaa! Whatever the hell that is.

I made it back from KC where I spent the Christmas Holiday. And I foolishly took the train again. I don’t know why Amtrak even bothers putting an arrival time on their tickets. They might as well put “Whenever we want” because it was over two hours late today. I’m supposed to pick up Matt M. from tomorrow evening’s train. I think I’m going to park the Saab, go to a nearby bar, and toss him the keys when he gets there.

I saw the new Cohen Brothers movie, No Country for Old Men, last night. Five minutes into it, the lady sitting behind me said, “I’m lost.”

I felt like throwing my popcorn and soda on her, but didn’t want to waste fifteen bucks.

Look, if you’re lost within a few minutes of a movie, maybe you should consider animation. I think Alvin and the Chipmunks was playing next door. WTF?

I’ve been making a few changes to the site. My only New Year’s Resolution is to have the SOB exactly how I want it by January 1st. If my past resolutions are any indication, this probably won’t happen. I resolved to quit drinking in 2000.

Oh I’m happy as Christmas. All wrapped to be seen.

Benny

What are my viewing choices tonight without cable? – Clash of the Choirs or racist Bryant Gumbel’s play-by-play call of the Steelers/Rams game. I guess the NFL network allows local stations to air the game if their team is playing. I’m opting for internet porn instead.

If you ever want to play a drinking game in the morning, watch Harry Smith interview someone on CBS’ The Early Show. Take a shot of liquor every time he says, “Right.” You’ll be hammered by 9 AM.

Joke

A traveling salesman knocks on a door. A five-year-old answers smoking a cigar and drinking a scotch. The salesman asks, “Excuse me, son, are your parents home?” The kid says, “What do you f*cking think?”

Thanks, Sheila E.

– Some guy critiques kid’s drawings. Thanks, Braz.

– SOB reader Tory gets his picture taken with Rudy Giuliani (far left).

– A lady describes what she saw to a television reporter. Classic. Thanks, Leo.

– If Santa answered his mail honestly – Thanks, TJ.

– The three stages of a man’s life. – Thanks, Red.

– A guy’s crazy listing on Craigslist. Thanks, Tom.

– It’s okay if your son wants to be a ballet dancer. Thanks, Ken B.

Kick off your Sunday shoes. Oowhee, Marie.

Benny

“Gangstaaaaaaaaaaasss… what’s up guys?” – McLovin

I watched Superbad at Chuck and Theresa’s on Friday night which seems like years ago after what transpired over the rest of the weekend. I tried writing a recap yesterday, but spent most of the day on the couch with a severe case of the brown bag flu.

Friday night started out like most others with one exception – King was back in town from Cali. We had a few beers at Tom’s before Tory and I headed over to the H’s for dinner. You know it was a binge weekend when you drink two bottles of wine by yourself and that turns out to be the slow night.

I went over to Tom’s on Saturday morning where the first beers of the day were popped at 10:30. We continued a slow descent back into drunkenness trying to prepare ourselves for the annual Christmas Party at Melrose Place that night.

King and I made several attempts during the party to take over the karaoke machine, but apparently the DJ didn’t appreciate profanity. We still managed to nail The Joker by Steve Miller Band. I even performed a duet with Thong Girl whose real name turned out to be Amy. I didn’t seem to recall that from our conversations at the pool last summer. Shocker.

We decided to take it easy on Sunday. King’s college buddy, JT, and his friend Brett, got on the road around 11:00 heading back to Ohio.

In the meantime, King, Abby, Tom and I decided to have lunch at Ozzie’s and watch some football. Somehow lunch turned into beer, and beer turned into Jager Bombs. And then it was on like Donkey Kong.

Crowe Dog, Jorge, Gina Party, Sheila E and others joined us, and our tab quickly reached critical mass. The management informed us that we had been served enough, and politely asked us to leave. We decided to meet at Melrose Place before heading out to another bar.

While Jorge and I were waiting in the parking lot to be picked up, a car drove by with a license plate that read “Nappy Head.” This wasn’t the exact spelling, but it was close enough that I pointed it out to Jorge. All of a sudden the car stopped, and a large black man exited from the passenger side.

“You got a problem?” he asked.

“No, I was just commenting on the license plate,” I replied.

He puffed up and shouted, “You best be showing some respect to the black woman.”

“What are you – Montel Williams?”

He started walking towards us, but thankfully our ride showed up. I dove into the back seat, and told the driver to step on it. We had a few more beers at the next bar until the weekend ended around 9:30.

I still couldn’t tell you who won the football games except that the Dolphins got their first win of the season and the Chiefs lost their seventh in a row.

Looking back on when I was a little nappy-headed boy. Then my only worry was for Christmas what would be my toy.

Benny

peoplemag 

The SOB has successfully been moved to a new hosting server. I plan on making a few more changes to the site soon. One of them is to upgrade to the newest version of the software. So if you go to the website and get a blank page, you’ll know I fu-ked it up.

I think immaturity may be hereditary. I asked my nephew what his favorite Christmas show was and he said, “The Nutcracker.” And then he started to giggle uncontrollably.

Have you ever had to explain to an insurance underwriter that one of your prescriptions is for the prevention of bedwetting after excessive alcohol consumption?

Me neither.

– This is why cows hate winter. Thanks, Red.

Barkeep gimme a drink. That’s when she caught my eye. She turned to give me a wink that make a grown man cry.

Benny

I’m in the process of moving SOB to a new server. I probably won’t be able to write a new post until Wednesday. In spirit of Festivus, please don’t make any comments until then.
 
If you feel the need, you can always cuss at me via the Contact Form.

I just spent 45 minutes on the phone with a customer service rep from the old hosting company. I think he decided to “wake and bake” this morning, if you know what I mean.

Benny

The site might be down sporadically during the next few days.

“We ask that you please bear with us.”

“Bear with you? This is a parking lot. People are supposed to be able to get their cars!!!” 

“Ideally.”

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