Archive for January, 2008

milk carton 

I admit to following the Britney Spears saga. The poor girl can’t go anywhere without a flock of paparazzi in tow. But I think I have a solution – get out of Hollywood and come spend a month with me.

Who needs Dr. Phil when you have Dr. Benny?

I’ll hide her in my apartment and get her everything she needs – smokes, liquor, burritos, whatever. The paparazzi will eventually get tired of following my dumb ass to the store and leave. That or I’ll lead them to Dani-girl.

Britney can spend her days dancing around in her underwear while I wait for the new furniture and flat screens to arrive.

She’s very much in love with me, and we would appreciate it if you would cease and desist, and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.

- I.F.H. Monday’s is a spoof on T.G.I. Friday’s commercials. NSFW

It’s Britney, bitch.

 

Abby & Dani-girl pose for a picture with former Cardinal Jim Edmonds. What are we going to see next?

Two new photo albums have been added: Dani-girl – Lumen VIP Party and Tom’s Wildcard Weekend.

For those of you keeping score at home – I passed my drug test. I guess they didn’t test for beer.

I also received a summons today for jury duty. Man, this is going to be sweet. I hope the case involves a gas station owner from India who had someone pull out of his station with the hose still in the tank.

Sample Jury Selection Questions:

Q: Have you ever been to a gas station that was owned by an Indian?
A: Yes, but I don’t go there anymore.

Q: Why not?
A: I can’t understand what they are saying. And they smell.

Q: I think we’re done here. Do you have any questions?
A: Yes. Where can I get my parking validated?

- I was hoping they would make a Weekend at Bernie’s III. Thanks, Lil’ Bro.

- The awesomeness of Olan Mills. Thanks, Jane B.

- How cool were you in high school? Thanks, Freddie R. 

- This prank never gets old. 

- Spotting locations in The Sopranos’ opening credits – St. Louis style

- A 737 makes a crash landing in the ocean.

Put me in, coach. I’m ready to play today.

I changed yesterday’s picture for two reasons.

  1. I can
  2. Having a picture of an arrow stuck in your ass is kind of gay.

I had to submit to a drug screening test today. I admit it’s been a while since I had to pee in a cup. Man, the nurses bossed me around like I was their little bitch.

There were two waiting at the bathroom door when I was done. One of them immediately took the temperature of the pee which was a balmy 94.4 degrees. I think I found another way to keep warm this winter. Who’s laughing now?

Remind me to tell you about the time I failed a drug test at my dad’s work during my first summer back from college. Never mind, I’ll remember.

Happy Belated Birthday, Crowe Dog.

- SOB Cast Member, Tom, had one of his modeling pictures used in a limo ad in the UK. I just want to know what a “Race Meeting” is.

No, no, no, no, I don’t smoke it no more. I’m tired of waking up on the floor.

Benny

freaky sheila 

My weekend was calm until I got talked into partying at Tom’s on Sunday. Check out Sheila E. getting her freak on.

I stopped at a convenience store on the way over to buy a bottle of Kentucky Tavern Premium Bourbon. There were two people inside – a young black girl working behind the counter and an older black gentleman buying a six-pack of beer.

I overheard the cashier say, “You better be watchin’ yo’ back. The pole lease will Rodney King yo’ ass if they catch you with an open bottle.”

He replied something, but it was incomprehensible.

After he left, I placed my purchase on the counter and asked, “Did you just tell that guy the police will beat him if he gets caught with an open beer?”

“No. What I said was he better be careful because the pole lease gave the metro bus driver a ticket the other day for parking on the street,” she replied.

“Oh, I guess I misunderstood.” And then she tried to short-change me a dollar. Classic.

- Peyton Manning teaches life lessons to kids in a United Way spoof on SNL.

- Jim Brewer says drinking is like having a party in your stomach. Thanks, Leo and Tom.

Shot through the heart and you’re to blame.

Benny

While drinking a couple of cold ones on New Year’s Day with the boys, the subject of our first jobs came up. My first job was a dishwasher at a local restaurant when I was fifteen. As luck would have it, my first day of work was also the first time I smoked weed.

I didn’t plan on these two events occurring on the same day; it just happened.

My buddy, Lance, came by around noon. I didn’t have to be to work until 4:00, and we had the house to ourselves. My dad was fishing with middle and lil’ bro, and my mom was at her job.

Lance pulled out two joints from his pocket, and we lit one up. The only effect it had on me was an uncontrollable cough. He left around 2:30, and left me the other jibber for later. And by later, I mean a half-hour.

I decided to give it another chance before I got ready for work, so I went outside for a few puffs. Nothing happened until I hopped into the shower which turned into a psychedelic waterfall. I was freaking out, man.

I somehow managed to get dressed, and get on my bike for the ride to work. Cars were flying past me at what seemed like a 100 miles an hour. Just before I got there, an incredible feeling of hunger came over me. I stopped at the grocery store across the street, and devoured a jumbo-sized Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup.

When I walked into the restaurant, the first person I saw was my new boss. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“This is my first day of work,” I replied.

“No it’s not. You start tomorrow.”

“Sweet. See you then.”

I made it home just in time to call my mom before she left work. “I’m stopping by McDonald’s on the way home. Do you want anything?” she asked.

Grab a pen…

“I’ll take a Big Mac, large order of fries, hot apple pie, and a chocolate shake.”

5,000 calories never tasted so good. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Kickin’ at the tube, watchin’ none better than…You know the king of late night, Yeah Dave Letterman. Not to hilarious, jokes kinda plain. But everything is funny when you’re smokin’ Mary Jane.

Benny

No, I did not make it to the 7:00 Mass on New Year’s Day because I didn’t wake up until 9:00. I wondered around Tom’s house in a haze, stepping over sleeping bodies that were scattered everywhere. I’m just glad I didn’t wake up to find Crowe Dog spooning me.

For some reason, a few of us thought it would be a good idea to keep the party rolling, so off to Fast Eddie’s we went. We finished the day at Hooters which is always a good move. Saying you go to Hooters for their wings is like saying you read Playboy for the articles.

Once again, our Hooters waitress asked for my ID. I said, “I look as much like a 21-year old as I do a body-builder.”

She called the manager over, and he gave me a pass to order beer. I should just start carrying an x-ray of my liver.

Dani-girl uploaded a couple of new photo albums:

Dani-girl December 2007

King Weekend

I’m still making changes to the site, and am hoping to get everything completed sometime this weekend.

Promise me, son, not to do the things I’ve done. Walk away from trouble if you can.

Benny

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