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fat guy dive 

The other day I told a female friend that I wanted to lose some weight before pool season. “That’s what you said last year, but you were still fat,” she replied.

Good talk.

Her attempt at motivational speaking must have worked because I’ve decided to drop twenty pounds by May 3rd. I weighed in yesterday at a svelte 200. If I reach my goal, I should weigh…carry the one…180 on Derby Day. That’s still heavy for a jockey, but I’ve been banned from riding since the ’99 Preakness. I don’t want to talk about it.

Have you ever poured a fifth of rot-gut vodka into an empty Grey Goose bottle, and told your friends to help themselves?

Me neither.

- Time stands still at Grand Central Station. Thanks, Ken B. 

– What is it? Hill-Billy. Thanks, Mike K.

– The Clintons have a dream. Thanks, Freddie R.

Ask the Indians what happens when you don’t control immigration. Thanks, Doug O.

– It looks like someone forgot to courtesy flush. Thanks, Troy T.

– Jimmy Kimmel gets even with Sarah Silverman.

– New treatment for a black eye. Thanks, Mark K. NSFW

Pass the tanning butter.

2 Responses

  1. As far as pouring rot-gut liquor into a quality liquor bottle, Herb Tarlik from WKRP called that… “Aging Scotch”

  2. i heard if you put cheap vodka through a Brita filter it purifies the vodka….so it could turn “rot-gut” to say smirnoff??