Archive for March, 2008

harrah's travel thermos kit 

For Sale: 4-Piece Harrah’s Travel Thermos Kit, never used, includes nylon carry bag, 1 liter stainless steel flask and two commuter mugs, cost $11,000, will sell for $10 or best offer.

I received an email this afternoon from reader Tim F. He wore his SOB logo t-shirt for the first time during a trip to the casino; and won $1,200! Sweet.

My Diamond status at the casino expires tonight. That means no more free buffets, $1 beers, or access to the VIP area. On the other hand, my bills are getting paid – thanks to 40-1 underlays hitting the board at the track.

These last two dollars, I’m not gonna lose. One’s goin’ for my bus fare, other one for the jukebox, to hear me some blues.

slim fast 

I decided to boost my weight loss efforts, so I bought a can of Slim-Fast. I had a delicious shake for breakfast, another one for lunch, and nine Seagram 7 & 7’s for dinner. I used Diet 7-Up to keep it sensible.

Slim-Fast needs to be investigated for misleading advertising. Their label states that a single shake “controls hunger up to 4 hours.” That might be true if I lived in Zimbabwe, but I was ready to run to Taco Bell after 45 minutes.

It’s been almost a year since I began my boycott of cable. That streak is in jeopardy thanks to the local Fox affiliate. They used to show Seinfeld at 10:00 directly following an hour of local news. Now I have to wait until 11:30.

In its place they offer up something called Fox 2 News Edge. Apparently sixty minutes wasn’t enough time to cover all the shootings and carjackings. TMZ is shown at 10:30, and Access Hollywood follows at 11 o’clock.

WTF?

I would rather watch a Seinfeld rerun for the 200th time instead of seeing where Lindsay Lohan bought a cup of coffee.

– Haitian weather report.

50 words women really hate.

– Tom Mabe handles a telemarketer. Thanks, Mark K.

– Jaws 5: The Great White Shock.

I don’t hear a word they’re saying; only the echoes of my mind.

jesus water polo 

I enjoyed watching the day games during the opening round of the NCAA basketball tournament last week. Not because I’m a huge hoops fan. I just like thinking about the housewife sitting down to watch her favorite soap operas only to find out it’s that time of the year again.

Did Jane sleep with Michael again?

Have you ever been thinking about rubbing one out when a religious commercial came on the TV telling you to accept Jesus?

Me neither. 

– It looks like King hasn’t changed much since moving to Cali. You want a shot at the title?

- Vote for Hillary. WTF?

- A drunk dude doesn’t like the band. I would have turned it on the French crowd.

Ah, take me with you, Jesus.

park the car 

“Park the car.”

The SOB drinking season traditionally runs from May through October. I’m not saying we don’t spend an occasional night during the off-season tossing down cold ones. We do. We’re just not in shape for two-a-days yet. 

Stupidity Tax Offense: When discussing the issue of race, saying something like, “I don’t care if you’re black, white, or purple.” Cha Ching! $10.

Why is this a taxable offense? – Because purple people don’t exist. If they did, Crowe Dog would finally be at peace with his roots.

Two different magazines, Country Living (99.99% white readership) and EBONY/Jet (99.99% black readership) did surveys on “WHAT DO PEOPLE FEAR MOST?” The results were interesting, to say the least…

Country Living magazine’s top three answers were:

  1. Nuclear war/terrorist attack in U.S.
  2. Child/spouse dying/terminal illness
  3. Terminal illness/self

EBONY/Jet magazine’s top three answers were:

  1. Ghosts
  2. Dogs
  3. Registered mail

Thanks, Josh H.

– Dani-girl uploaded two new photo albums: Crystal’s Birthday and St. Patrick’s Day 2008

– Would you like a smoke and a pancake? Thanks, Laurie S.

– Why NFL quarterbacks need to keep their names short. Thanks, Chuck H.

Cribs: Barney on HIMYM. Thanks, King.

– Chimp tells a joke to the bartender. Thanks, Doug O. and Loverboy.

– Hillary Clinton describes her harrowing experience during a trip to Bosnia in 1996.

Have mercy.

condomscondoms 

Man, I miss college. 

I didn’t get much sleep last night because my neighbor the porn star had his girl screaming again. I told him that I’m calling the cops to report a rape in progress the next time I hear her Meryl Streep fake ass orgasms. He’s been warned.

I still can’t believe my new oven is Jewish. I’m cooking a ham on Easter.

Someone suggested that I should keep readers updated on my weight loss. Even better, they suggested posting “Before” and “After” pictures. First of all, I gained two pounds last week. Second, I’ve been fat for a while now, so there are plenty of before pictures. What am I – Jared?

One leg in the east. One leg in the west. And me in the center trying to do my best.

where i come from 

I think my new oven is Jewish. The user’s manual mentions something about the Sabbath Feature. Dani-girl explained that this has something to do with Jews not using electricity on the Sabbath. I jokingly asked if that was just another way to save money. What up?

“Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don’t work, I don’t drive a car, I don’t fucking ride in a car, I don’t handle money, I don’t turn on the oven, and I sure as shit [shouts] don’t fucking roll! Shomer Shabbos!” NSFW

SOB Final Four: North Carolina, Kansas, Stanford, Duke.

10 Most Racist Moments in TV. This list seems pretty recent. NSFW

– Scenes from Jewno. I didn’t get it.

It’s cornbread and chicken.

jet airliner

Some things just don’t make sense to me…

In a speech today, Barack Obama refused to disown his relationship with Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr. The presidential candidate’s spiritual advisor has spewed several anti-American comments. For example, he believes our government developed the HIV virus to kill black people.

WTF?

The scary thing is that some people believe this idiot. Stupid people should not be allowed to vote. In fact, you should have to answer a few questions before stepping into the booth.

Before being allowed to vote, please answer the following questions:

  1. Who are the two US Senators currently representing your state?
  2. Who is your Congressman?
  3. Where yo BD stay at? Use BM if applicable.

Another story caught my attention today. A woman filed a lawsuit against American Airlines claiming that a man masturbated and then ejaculated in her hair during a flight from Los Angeles to Dallas.

Again, WTF?

Suggested new airline slogans:

  • We love to fly and it really shows
  • Something special in the hair
  • You are now free to jack off about the country

– “Sit, Ubu, sit! Good dog!”

Sunday Afternoon by Jon Lajoie.

I don’t want to get caught up in any of that funky shit goin’ down in the city.

©2014 The Summer Of Benny, All Rights Reserved