Archive for April, 2008

2004 claret

I spent Saturday afternoon at the winery. The weather was perfect, and it’s hard to beat a day drinking wine overlooking a vineyard. But I can’t believe the prices these places charge. I paid $28 for the same bottle of wine I could have bought at the grocery store for $10.

Now some of you might say that I was simply paying for the ambiance. But that’s a load of shit. I spent the afternoon sitting in a plastic chair that look liked it hadn’t been cleaned in years.

I also had to listen to a group of plus sized college chicks sitting behind me say the word, “Like” about four hundred times. I was like, “You beotches are getting on my nerves.”

By the way, $28 wouldn’t be so bad if I only drank one bottle. But that didn’t happen.

If I’m going to pay for ambiance, I’d rather spend the afternoon at the racetrack. Sure, a beer might cost five bucks, but I can pay for the whole day by hitting an exacta in a cheap claiming race at Beulah Park. And I would be like, “Sweet.”

Determined dog tries to get up slide. 

– I had ten bucks on the streaker.

There might be a little dust on the bottle. But don’t let it fool ya about what’s inside.

rio 

In 2001, I entered a contest put on by a local television station. The station had just acquired the rights to show reruns of Seinfeld, and the contest rules were simple – send a video tape of yourself reenacting a scene from the show, choosing the character you resemble most.

I reenacted the scene where George explains to Jerry that he got a massage from a man, and thinks it moved.

On April 24th, I received a call from the news anchor of the morning show. He said they were having a few of the contestants in the studio the following morning, and asked if I could make it. After I was assured there wouldn’t be any nudity involved, I agreed.

When I arrived, the security guard knew my name. I thought that was odd. He took me to the anchor’s office, who was on the air, and turned off the television. A few minutes later, a producer walked in to explain that she would be taking me to the studio shortly, but needed to put a microphone on me first. 

I suddenly realized there weren’t any other contestants present. They were going to give me the car on live television. I called everyone I could in the few minutes I had.

They handed me the keys to the new car, a Kia Rio, and I guess my on-air reaction was less enthusiastic than they had anticipated. When I walked out of the studio, the producer said, “You know, you could have shown a little more excitement.”

“It’s a Kia Rio. What did you want me to do – jump up and down and fart rainbows?” I asked.

She walked away, and I made some calls to make sure someone had hit the record button on their VCR. I still have the tape. Maybe some weekend when I’m not drinking myself into oblivion, I’ll convert the tape to digital format, and upload it to the SOB.

I sold the car a few weeks later to a Kia dealer. He had answered the ad I put in the paper – For Sale: 2001 Kia Rio, brand new, tunes and cubes, knee-deep in rubber.

This Day in Benny History

1995: PM – 20 min. Stairmaster, sit-ups

1996: Lunch – YMCA 100 sit-ups, 20 min. Stairmaster, 1 circuit at 15 ea, 5 min. walk on track

1998: Bet ponies at Delmar simulcast facility in San Diego

2000: Lunch – YMCA 24 min. bike, 2 circuits 12/10

2001: Won new car on television for Seinfeld Wanna Be Contest (Constanza)

2002: Played golf

2003: Grilled at G-Man’s (night before the Kelly golf tourney)

2006: 3 Circuits, 50 min. bike

2007: PM – 3 mi. walk/jog

People say I’m lazy, dreaming my life away.

tv guide 

If last weekend was any indication, this is going to be a memorable summer. On Sunday, a few cast members gathered at the pool around 1:30, and the new beer bong was unveiled a few hours later. I know it’s still April, and these games don’t count, but we drank like champions.

I’m not going to comment on the quality of new tail prancing around in bikinis. I don’t want to jinx anything.

Never give the finger to a cop. NSFW

F*ck the Earth Day. NSFW

Jurassic Fart

– Study: Nearly 80 percent of roommates got so drunk last night. NSFW

I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened.

you never pee on me anymore

Jane B. sent me the perfect card. 

- Dani-girl uploaded pictures from last week’s Parties at the Plaza

- Check out the new driver. Thanks, Freddie R. and G-Man.

- Why most men are Republicans. Thanks, Tory K.

- Hangover Finalists. Thanks, Braz. NSFW

- Missouri Flood Survival Kit. – Thanks, Doug O.

- Police just don’t get paid enough. Thanks, Sheila E. NSFW

- Chappelle’s Show: Reparations 2003. Thanks, Mr. O.

chuck berry ticket stup

Red came into town last week and wanted to see Chuck Berry at Blueberry Hill. Tickets sell out in fifteen minutes for the monthly shows, and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with scalpers. He talked me into going by trading the price of admission for a SOB T-shirt. Done and done.

I traded a Chuck Berry ticket to Benny for one of his T-shirts. I think he got the better end of the deal. – Red to Matt M. the following day.

The earthquake shook me out of bed early Friday morning. I initially thought someone had broken into my apartment, so I jumped up and got ready to kung fu some ass.

When I realized it wasn’t an intruder, I put the blame on my neighbor the porn star. “Not only is he shaking his bed, now he’s shaking mine,” I thought to myself.

I almost stormed upstairs to kick his ass, but remembered something from the only geology class I attended in college – Earthquakes cause the ground to shake. I went back to sleep, satisfied that I had made a mental note from the day’s curriculum.

I would like to thank everyone who suggested I mix a little running into my daily walks. I did it for two days last week, and my legs were so sore over the weekend, I couldn’t get out of bed to pee. 

Well, I looked at my watch, and to my surprise, I was dancin’ with a woman who was twice my size!

filling the pool 

T-2 days and counting

During the past week I’ve had conversations with three people regarding my diet and exercise program. Below are transcripts of these conversations.

I Like Ike

Issac: What are you up to?

Benny: Getting ready to go for a walk.

Issac: Damn, summer’s right around the corner. You better get running.

Tommy Boy

Tom: Benny, what you got goin’ on?

Benny: I’m about ready to go for a walk.

Tom: Do you ever run?

Benny: I burn enough calories by walking three miles.

Tom: I’m just saying…it wouldn’t hurt to raise your heart rate a little if you’re going to do cardio. I had this same conversation with Crowe Dog.

Benny: Oh yeah, what did he say?

Tom: He said he sweats when he walks. I told him he sweats when he breathes.

Chuck Nasty

Benny: I can’t believe I’ve only lost six pounds.

Chuck H: I can’t believe you lose any weight as much as you drink.

I can show you, I can show you, some of the people in my life.

pizza mascot 

That’s the last time I answer a personal ad.

I didn’t write yesterday because I was too busy returning voice mails. You see, when you drunk dial a bunch of people over the weekend, Monday is the day you get to find out what you said. I love this game.

Dani-girl drove to KC last Friday to audition for a new reality show – Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. It’s no secret that she idolizes Paris, and I can’t think of a more deserving reality show contestant. Unless it was Crowe Dog on Lance Bass’s My New BFB.

– An SOB T-shirt finishes the St. Louis Marathon. Thanks, John M.

– This is one bored gym teacher. Thanks, Lance M.

– What every man wants in bed. Thanks, Mark K.

– Some chick asks an embarrassing question to Tiger Woods during a press conference.

So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A.

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