Archive for May, 2008

woodpecker 

I receive dozens of spam emails a week wanting to help increase the size of my manhood, be a better performer, or improve lost stamina. I’m not concerned with the latter two as much as I am with the first.

You can say what you want about how I shot it too quickly last night. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand here while you insult the size of my yogurt slinger.

Subject lines of emails I’ve received this week…

The greatest pleasure tips ever
Give her a climax every night
Make her tremble with passion!
Find out how your length can grow
Perfect stamina and hardness!
Your medical answer to growth problems
Make your own xxx timetable!
Trick her into bed
Tent your trousers with your new rod

Okay, so I actually opened the “Trick her into bed” message, and the last one made me laugh. But what is the big deal with stamina anyway? There’s nothing wrong with hurrying things along so you can catch the second half kick-off.

You know, I faked it.

Once I was swimming cross Turtle creek. Man them snappers all around my feet.

oswald

I’m seriously thinking about writing a letter to one of the local weather people in St. Louis. It doesn’t matter which one because they all got the Memorial Weekend forecast wrong.

Sunny skies were predicted for Saturday and Sunday with highs of 78 and 84 respectively. Monday called for mostly sunny skies, a high of 87, with a 40% chance of rain.

Here’s what actually happened:
Saturday – Rain
Sunday – Rain
Monday – Rain

A lot of people were upset with the incorrect predictions – including myself. During the summer months, I use the weekend forecasts to schedule my Brazilian waxing. Thanks to these Bozos, I wasted a week of regrowth.

You’re livin’ in the past, man! You’re hung up on some clown from the sixties, man!

Dani-girl and Abby are closing the chapter on being roommates. No worries…. they’re both staying at Melrose Place. But I noticed a distinct difference in their moving styles.

Abby spent evenings last week moving everything except the heavy furniture – without asking for any help.

Dani-girl made a list. And while she was out of town over the weekend, me, Tom and Crowe Dog were responsible for completing the list. I sent an email to The Guinness Book of World Records because I think we moved the world’s heaviest sofa sleeper.

- Some people have no class. That tie is so yesterday. Thanks, Sheila E.

And I wonder. Still I wonder.

chuck h lowes motor speedway front

chuck h lowes motor speedway back

Loaded up and truckin’…

Pictured today (left to right) are Freddie R., Chuck H. and his two sons, Kyle and Vance… wearing SOB T-shirts to the NASCAR Sprint All-Star Race last weekend at Lowe’s Motor Speedway.

I’ve been drinking whiskey neat all night because cold beer hurts. I must have chipped a tooth or something. I hate do this, but I may have to go to the dentist.

When they pull that needle out, I let the expletives fly.

I’m going to add a couple of pages to the website during the next couple of weeks.

An About page will include an interview I recently did with Rolling Stone magazine. And by Rolling Stone, I mean me.

The other page will list Goals I’ve set for myself this summer.

For example, pad my resume, and go to a job interview that I have no intention of getting. “Well, I did my undergraduate work in Agricultural Engineering at Iowa. I completed my Master’s Degree in Biosystems at Michigan State. And I believe I’m the ideal candidate for VP of Operations at Midwest Ethanol.”

I’ve always wanted to ask, “Do you drug test?” during a job interview. “Because I went to a Van Halen concert last week, and, well, you know… contact high.”

Another thing I want to accomplish is to run a 5K. There’s a race in July that also includes a 1/2 and 1/4 marathon, but here’s the intriguing part - the 1/4 marathon (6.5 miles) starts ten minutes before the 5K (3.1 miles) – and both races end at the same place. They just have different chutes.

The plan would be to finish my 5K at the same time as the 1/4 marathon winner. I’ll sprint down the wrong chute ahead of him, and break through the tape with my arms raised in victory.

My middle brother did the same thing in high school during a combined Varsity/JV mile race, and it still makes me laugh.

Feel free to send other ideas for my summer goals. But don’t include things like, “Get your shit together.” I have that earmarked for October.

- Check out the quote from the owner of a funeral home that had their license suspended for using two unlicensed embalmers.

- She’s the one. Thanks, Sheila E.

- Have you seen my neighbor out training her dog? Thanks, Tom B. NSFW

We’ve got a long why to go and a short time to get there.

gina party rc helicopter

This is your captain speaking. If you look out the right side of the aircraft, you’ll see Dani-girl about to wake up next to a vibrating dildo.

- California Gay Marriage PSA. NSFW

- Someone compiled footage of the Top Ten on-air meltdowns. NSFW

- I finally know what Pilates is. Sweet…

- I knew what was going to happen, but I couldn’t stop watching.

cup 'o pee 

Cup ‘o Pee 

If you think Big Brown winning the Triple Crown would be the feel-good story of the year, wait until you read this. Dani-girl passed out in Gina Party’s bed early Saturday morning and woke up… wait for it… with a dildo humming next to her head. Our spies report that Gina was asleep next to her. And by spies, I mean Tom.

Dani-girl claimed that it was all just innocent fun. They came home from the bars, Tom brought up the subject of sex toys, and Gina broke out her collection. We haven’t heard her side of the story yet.

Sometimes I get too busy for housework. I’m not making excuses. Okay, I am. Last week I had to give a seminar to a group of financial planners. This, by the way, is the very definition of irony.

By the time the weekend came, I was more focused on the pool than laundry and dishes. This came back to bite me when Sheila E. brought her camera. After snapping a few pictures of our group watching the Preakness, she captured the destruction known as my apartment

“I think the funniest thing about those pics of your apartment is that you look SO DAMNED PROUD! It cracks me up!” – Sheila E. 

I have since cleaned, and the laundry is done. What else am I going to do on a Monday?

But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea.

big brown 

Only 2 of the twenty horses from the Kentucky Derby are entered in Saturday’s 133rd running of the Preakness Stakes. Here are picks from some SOB cast members.


 Benny
Benny

Pick: Big Brown

Analysis: Big Brown could win this race if he was pulling a plow. Hell, he could drop the plow at the 1/8 pole, moonwalk down the stretch, and still win by three lengths.

The betting strategy is which horses to include on the bottom of an exacta ticket. My choices for the Place slot are Gayego and Racecar Rhapsody.

Big Brown’s attempt at the Triple Crown in the Belmont Stakes could be impeded by a lightly raced horse from Japan, Casino Drive. But more on that in three weeks…


AbbyAbby

Pick: Icabad Crane

Analysis: That’s a character from one of my favorite fairy tales. That was a fairy tale, wasn’t it?




Crowe DogCrowe Dog

Pick: Gayego and Giant Moon

Analysis: Mmmmm… Any of you jockeys want to come inside for some cupcakes and a glass of wine?


Dani-girlDani-girl

Pick: Riley Tucker

Analysis: Never mind… I read the name wrong again.




Gina PartyGina Party

Pick: Behindatthebar

Analysis: They could have named this horse Visa because that’s everywhere I want to be.




IssacIssac

Pick: Big Brown

Analysis: Once you go brown, you never go back.




MaribethMaribeth

Pick: Tres Borrachos

Analysis: I’ve never made out with a Mexican guy.




Tom
Tom

Pick: Macho Again

Analysis: Summer’s almost here, and I’m macho again.



When the gun smoke settles we’ll sing a victory tune. We’ll all meet back at the local saloon.

dani-girl sob tank 

Marketing 101 

Upon further review, I did get something accomplished last weekend during my Velveeta-induced whack fest. I wrote a Real Men of Genius script and emailed it to a top secret contact at Anheuser-Busch.

Bud Light Presents Real Men of Genius
[Real Men of Genius]
Today we salute you, Mr. I have my own Blog Guy.
[Mr. I have my own Blog Guy]
While ordinary people unwind the day by spending time with friends and family, you sit at your computer telling the world what you had for lunch.
[I ate out today]
A wizard on the web, you feverishly troll through cyberspace looking for funny videos to share with your readers. A celebrity gets arrested, a kid face plants off a skateboard, a disturbing look at animals doing what nature intended.
[Those monkeys are funny]
Add me as your friend, post a comment, subscribe to my feed – your Blog has it all.
[I’ll be your friend]
If anyone wants to know what you did last weekend, all they have to do is read your latest post. Some may ask, “Why don’t you get a life?” Well, you have a life. And you’re letting everyone else in on it.
So crack open a nice cold Bud Light, Icon of the Internet. Because without your Blog, the rest of us wouldn’t have a reason to live.
[Mr. I have my own Blog Guy]

Feel free to make suggestions, but don’t say mean things like I’m not funny. That hurts my feelings. And I don’t need any negative vibes during prom week.

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I’d like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said; let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new “Jeopardy” record with -$230,000.

Sean Connery: You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you, Trebek? What with your dago mustache and your greasy hair!

I even asked the Lord to try to help me. He looked down from heaven and said to tell you please – Just be patient, I’m a work in progress.

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