Archive for June, 2008

 Vote for Dani-girl

I will not be attending the annual Melrose Place pool party tonight because I’m headed out of town for a family reunion. But I hope someone gets drunker than I did last year, so I can quit hearing about it.

Please take some time and vote for Dani-girl for Ms. Westport. Click on the Vote for Ms. Westport tab – she is contestant 5 of 22 (Danielle H.) You will need to register your email. I’ll find a better way to link to the voting site when I get back.

Have you ever passed out on the floor because you were tired of pissing on your furniture?

Me neither.

- This chick must be a big hoops fan.

- The website is down. NSFW

Sipping whiskey out the bottle, not thinking ’bout tomorrow. Singing Sweet Home Alabama all summer long.

During a walk the other day, I crossed paths with a man from India who was visiting his son at Melrose Place. He was draped in what I assumed to be traditional Hindu attire. Before I go any further, I want to make something abundantly clear – I have no animosity towards the man, his religion, or the dress he was wearing.

As I got closer, he began to clap and sing a religious chant which became increasingly louder as I passed.

I said, “Back at ya, slick.”

He smiled and nodded.

But this is a good example of what sets our country apart from others. I can only imagine the reaction I would get if I walked down the streets of Bombay singing Jesus Loves Me.

So never judge a book by its cover.

S.O.B.'s Dinner Club 

Janer in NYC sent me today’s picture of a restaurant she spotted while walking down a street in Manhattan. She made sure to mention that an OTB is located around the corner.

- Dani-girl uploaded two new photo albums: Cinco de Mayo and Summer Begins

– SOB Reader, Mr. O., appears as an extra in the new Adam Carolla movie The Hammer which was released today. In this shot, he can be seen clapping in the lower left-hand corner. If you get the DVD, his fifteen minutes of fame come at the 0:51:53 mark. He was last seen signing autographs at a Wal-Mart in Wichita.

Balloon-crazed dog on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Thanks, Lil’ Bro.

– God accused of selling cocaine. Thanks, Mr. O.

– Dogs can sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance. Thanks, Tom.

Is anybody listening? Oh, oh…

Collar Popped

I almost got my ass kicked at the pool on Sunday by that guy. You’ve all seen this guy before. The guy that goes out on the weekend looking for a fight.

This Billy Idol looking mo-fo brought a boom box to the pool and proceeded to turn on the Cardinals game loud enough to drown out the sound of the Melrose Place speakers. I wouldn’t have minded listening to the game, but took issue with some douche walking around like he was Hugh Hefner at the Playboy Mansion. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked.

“Listening to the Cardinals game. You got a problem with that?” he replied.

“Actually I do. I’m a Royals fan.”

“Too f-cking bad. What are they? – 20 games under .500?”

“I don’t think their record is the issue. The issue is you treating the pool like you own it.”

There were a couple of other words exchanged. And then he approached me, stuck his finger in my face and said, “You’re a prick! And if you say another word, I’m going to knock those sunglasses off your f-cking face, old man!”

Since there was no one around that had my back, I resisted the urge to tell him how much I enjoyed his White Wedding video.

I ended up turning the game on, and he apologized after the Cards lost in 13 innings. By the way, the Royals won.

In the midnight hour she cried, “More more more!”

Thanks to USA Today columnist, Whitney Matheson, for choosing the SOB as Reader of the Day on her blog – Pop Candy.

Here’s the permalink to the SOB profile. Some of the comments are pretty funny.

I’ve listened to preachers. I’ve listened to fools.

Scuba Steve

I’m stilling mulling over ideas for things I want to accomplish this summer. One of them is to spend an entire week watching nothing but porn.

I discussed my plan to burn through X-rated videos for seven days straight with a buddy. He didn’t like the idea. “Don’t do it,” he warned. “We might not get you back.”

He’s probably right, but I doubt I’ll be practicing ten days of sobriety like I did last year. Hanging out with drunk people while you’re sober is brutal. You quickly discover that you have nothing in common with your friends.

It’s kind of like the woman I saw today reading an article on Hillary Clinton in Jet magazine – which I’m sure is chock full o’ non-biased, hard-hitting political commentary. She’s probably a nice person, but I doubt I’ll see her at the Steve Miller Band concert next month.

By the way, who in the f-ck is T.I.?

Beware of pretty faces that you find. A pretty face can hide an evil mind.

John M wearing SOB T-shirt in Europe

Yeah, I’ll search the world over.

I realize it’s been a few days since the last post, but I’ve been busier than an NBA player on Father’s Day.

The SOB has officially gone global. Today’s picture is of reader John M. at a Euro 2008 match in Basel, Switzerland on June 15, 2008.

In addition, I’ve received the following pictures of SOBs and their shirts:

* John M. finishing the St. Louis Marathon
* TJ on a float trip in Indiana
* Slingen at Disney World
* Leo and Sheri in the garden
* Issac assuming the position at Lake of the Ozarks
* Dani-girl at Fast Eddie’s
* Freddie R., Chuck H., Kyle H. and Vance H. at Lowe’s Motor Speedway
* Some pervert who used it as a spooge towel

That last shirt was mine. I had an extra one lying around and got caught up in a moment. I plan on creating a photo page, minus the baby gravy, during the next rainy weekend. Until then, I’ll be getting crunk at the pool.

This Day in Benny History

1996: PM – YMCA – 10 min. bike/1 circuit at 12/too crowded – went home and drank some beers

1999: Weighed in at 196 lbs.

2001: Drove home from Memphis; ate at Taco John’s in Sikeston, MO.

2003: 5 mi. run

2004: Parties in the Plaza

2006: Ribs on the smoker at 6:30 AM; first beer at the pool an hour later. Stevie Nicks/Tom Petty concert at night – Mr. O. pissed on my foot while listening to Free Fallin’.

2007: Pool

Have you ever seen a guy whistling, and had a sudden urge to punch him in the face?

Me neither.

Some Swiss junkie in Turin ripped me off for my cash.

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