God bless America – I’m listening to the Chiefs first preseason game tonight.

But I’m a little concerned with the new code of fan conduct the NFL unveiled Tuesday. The last thing I need is to be banned from Arrowhead. So I figured I should take a look at the new rules to see if I’ve ever broken any of them before.

- Behavior that is unruly, disruptive, or illegal
I hip-checked some douche bag into the crowd a couple of years ago. He had it coming after I caught him sneaking in the out door of the restroom while the rest of us stood in line. He threatened to kick my ass, so Lil’ Bro made me move to another section. The dude’s lucky I didn’t kung fu him in the nuts.

- Drunkenness and signs of alcohol impairment that result in irresponsible behavior
I might as well sell my season tickets now. What constitutes ‘irresponsible behavior’ anyway? If pissing in an empty beer cup in front of two cops, pouring the contents down three levels, and then using it as a spittoon is irresponsible – then sure, I’ve had issues with this one.

- Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures
In 1998 I spent an entire playoff game flipping John Elway the bird. I would do the same thing today if I saw him walking down the street.

- Interference with the progress of the game, including throwing objects onto the field
I’ve never thrown anything on the field, but I once threw a bag of weed down a port-a-potty when I thought the Po Po smelled my pinch hitter.

- Failing to follow instructions of stadium personnel
I got confrontational with a security guard after he frisked me and found 3 Natty Lights hidden in the hood of my Chiefs coat. I surrendered the beers, but I bet the son-of-a-bitch drank them on his way home.

- Verbal or physical harassment of fans from the opposing team
In 2006 I got a few rows in our section to harass Tory K. after the Chiefs scored a touchdown against the Broncos. He deserved it for wearing a wool cap with that stupid horse on it. I think he also got pummeled in the restroom, but that wasn’t me. And for the record, Raiders fans don’t count.

“Let’s matriculate the ball down the field, boys.” – Hank Stram

Ain’t gonna spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away.

Rapper T.I. (never heard of him) will be working with a group called the Hip Hop Caucus as a main spokesman for this year’s “Respect My Vote!” campaign. The only problem is that T.I. can’t vote after pleading guilty to federal weapons charges earlier this year. WTF? 

But I’m taking a break from politics. Ever since the Cable Boycott of ‘07, my viewing choices have been limited. So I’m going to enjoy three weeks of Olympic coverage even if it means spending an evening watching rhythmic gymnastics. I think that’s the crap where people dance around with hoops and ribbons.

And by the way, why isn’t pole dancing an Olympic sport? If it was, Sierra from Sauget would have to be one the favorites to bring home the gold.

- Jon Voight blasts Obama. Thanks, Tory K.

Everybody’s talkin’ at me…I can’t hear a word they’re sayin’…just drivin’ around in Jon Voight’s car…

- Get into the Olympic spirit by reliving a great moment from the 2000 games in Sydney.

- Using cell phones to make popcorn. Thanks, Freddie R.

- Remote control cooler. Thanks, Sheila E.

- Has anyone ever seen Terry from Reno 911! and Crowe Dog in the same place? Me neither.

Dancin’ down on Sunset Strip.

In an effort to gain a little notoriety, I mailed an offer to a handful of radio stations in town. While the idea is not original, letting me drink beer on the air while being monitored by a cop is a can’t-miss proposition. But I said the same thing about Big Brown in the Belmont.

Let’s recap the weekend highlights at the pool:

* Someone taped a tube of lube to my patio door.

* Gina Party told us that she started smoking in 7th grade, but tried to kick the habit in the 8th. Classic.

* Crowe Dog hit on a 20-year old girl which was like watching a car wreck. But the pimp got her number.

* Crowe Dog learned that pickles are made from cucumbers, and the SOB blog entry titles are actually titles of songs.

* Abby met Josh H.’s uncle, but unlike his nephew, he didn’t ask her to make out.

* Maribeth can drink Budweiser products.

* Dani-girl’s family was in town, and we were sworn to secrecy about the SOB.

* Tom was in Iceland on vacation.

* Chuck H. sent a text message from a dog track in West Virginia, and asked if I had any suggestions. I replied by telling him to play a 3-1-5 trifecta in the next race. It finished 2-7-8. Shocker.

I have to get some sleep. I’m getting my hair braided in cornrows and a barbed wire tattoo on my left bicep tomorrow.

She’s always out makin’ pictures. She’s always out makin’ scenes. She’s always out the window when it comes to makin’ dreams.