Archive for September, 2008

Gina Party

I didn’t write last night because we were celebrating Gina Party’s birthday. That was exactly what I needed after spending Friday night drinking at the satellite office, Saturday at the Chili Cook-Off in Westport, and Sunday at Ozzie’s watching the Chiefs kick the crap out of the Broncos. But, hey, that’s what friends do.

I thought it might be a good idea to feature SOB cast members on their birthdays, so let’s start with GP.

Some interesting things you may not know about Gina Party

– Owns more clothes and shoes than a Hollywood Diva.

– Walks into Victoria’s Secret like Norm on Cheers.

– Falls asleep on the toilet.

– Considers Saturday as her Hump Day.

– Drunk dials her parents.

– Began smoking in the 7th grade, and tried to kick the habit in the 8th.

– Was forced to spend a 9-day stint in rehab after getting caught drinking for the third time at her Catholic high school. She had one of her sisters smuggle in cigarettes.

– One of her regrets in life is turning down Johnny and Dave when they offered to double-up on her during senior year.

You know I like my girls a little bit older.

Head Shot 

The Riverfront Times chose AngryBlackBitch as their Best Blog of 2008. The Readers voted for Urban Review STL. I thought about putting links to the sites, but they’re just typical, angry liberals bitching and moaning about how bad things are.

There is such a double standard in this country when it comes to race. For example, any black person can make fun of white people dancing. But if I say that blacks like Kool-Aid, I’m called a racist.

I was talking with Issac about Lil’ Wayne’s performance at the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. He said that I should respect his artistic talent. Artistic talent? The guy grabs his crotch more than Crowe Dog at a Clay Aiken concert.

I better change gears before Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson come knocking at the door.

So I’m talking with Gina Party today on her way back from a meeting in Washington, MO.

“Who did you have a meeting with?” I asked.

“Why?” she replied.

“Because I know a few people from Wash MO.”

“How do you know people from Wash MO?”

“College. That was the best six years of my life.”

“Six years? What did you get your MBA or something?”

“Associate’s.”

“Have you ever thought about being a success coach?”

“Have you ever thought about sucking it?”

“Good talk.”

The baddest man in the whole damn town.

Dani-girl, Josh H. and Abby

We’re going to have to add Josh H. to the cast if he keeps running into Dani-girl and Abby.

Happy Belated Birthday, King. The guy lost his cell phone on Saturday while celebrating in downtown Sacramento – got an upgrade today – and then received a call from someone that found the old phone on the side of the road in Yuba City (70 miles away). Different State – Same King.

I have a meeting tomorrow morning, and just discovered that I’m out of clean boxer shorts. And since I refuse to stuff my nut sack into a pair of tidy whities, I had to throw a load in. Drink, I said load.

Watching The Biggest Loser makes me feel like I’m in pretty good shape. That’s a good thing because trying to convince women that “it all turns into dick at midnight” seems to have lost its luster.

People often ask me how I stay so damn sexy. Here are three helpful hints:

  1. Exercise every other week
  2. No carbs after 3 AM
  3. Get a good mirror

I want to get back to my city by the bay.

Church Sign

I haven’t written in four days because I’ve been on a four-day bender. It began Thursday night at Parties at the Plaza where Dani-girl was denied the title of Ms. Westport. We were all rooting for her to win, but life goes on.

The rest of the weekend went like this:

Friday: Dinner at lady friend’s house

Have you ever had a girl invite you over for dinner, and when you got there discovered she had invited her neighbor and boyfriend join you, and they turned out to be swingers?

Me neither.

Don’t you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I’d have to dress different. I’d have to act different. I’d have to grow a mustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I’d need a new bedspread and new curtains. I’d have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I’d have to get new friends. I’d have to get orgy friends. Naw, I’m not ready for it.

Saturday: Party at SOB satellite office

Sunday: Watched football with Doug Wetback and Issac

I think the cricket I firebombed last weekend must of had a lot of friends because I’ve noticed several crickets surrounding the perimeter. They’re probably going to storm my apartment like Issac at an Obama rally. When that happens, I’ll just stomp on them one-by-one with my shoe. And yes ladies, I have big feet for a guy my size. Wink.

If you’ve been picking the Chiefs and Rams in your office pools, or, Heaven forbid, been betting on them – well, you’re just mad at your money. I think both teams should forfeit the remainder of their seasons, and play a pee wee exhibition game during the halftime of the Mizzou/Kansas game in November.

Oh you look so beautiful tonight.

fire

Cricket update: I decided that since I’m not Chinese, crickets aren’t that lucky. So I sprayed insecticide in my apartment like Napalm. And I haven’t heard a chirp since.

I’m a little tired after flying back from Bab’s $28,500 a plate fundraiser for Obama last night. If you believe that, shoot me an email because I have a ’96 Saab I’m looking to unload for $15k.

Tom B. sent me a text message to say the St. Louis Co. Library wouldn’t let him access the SOB on their computers because it was considered ‘Adult Material’. Good thing I never go to the library.

But that gave me an idea. I have no porn on the site, but since Google and the St. Louis Co. Library think I do, I’m going to prove them right.

There’s a website in Japan that’s been linking to a PG-13 video on my server for months. I wrote a script that redirects the link to the SOB homepage, but that’s not going to teach anyone a lesson.

So here’s what I decided to do. I yanked the redirect script off the server. Drink, I said yanked. I then replaced the PG-13 file with hardcore porn (Thanks, Mr. O).

People all over the world…join hands.

Batman Bin Suparman 

It must be that time of the year again because a cricket is keeping me up at night. Someone reminded me that crickets are considered good luck in China. I wonder how two hours of sleep rates on the Feng Shui scale.

I think he’s somewhere under the sink, but I’m not going to test fate. He has no food source, and will soon meet his demise on a diet of Comet and Windex. And there’s plenty to eat because I rarely use that stuff.

Have you ever been daydreaming about sex while walking down the street – suddenly realized you were sportin’ wood – and saw a group of cyclists riding towards you?

Me neither.

A bear survives Hurricane Ike in Galveston. 

– Issac’s new favorite website.

Don’t be racist in an elevator. NSFW

– Shawn Johnson: Ortega makes my taco pop. WTF?

– Was Crowe Dog in New York this week?

– Does Evil exist? Obama and McCain answer the question during a forum. Thanks, Tory. 

– The front fell off. Thanks, Tom.

– Every “That’s What She Said” from The Office.

I see my noisy cricket get wicked on ya.

Issac's School Project
Flashback 1991: Issac’s school project

I stumbled upon a blog over the weekend written by a woman who is a recovering alcoholic. I read a little bit of it because I’m sympathetic to people with addictions. Although I would suggest going to a 12-step meeting rather than sharing your deepest thoughts on the Internet with Bozos like me.

I realize staying sober, clean or whatever can be difficult. But the rules are simple. If you’re an alcoholic, stay away from the bar. If you’re a compulsive gambler, stay away from the casino. And if you’re a semi good looking woman with a sex addiction, stay away from me. Because I’ll screw you six ways to Sunday.

When I’m surrounded, I just can’t stop.

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