Archive for October, 2008

Happy Halloween My Ass 

I have my first physical in years on Thursday morning. That means I may not be an ass virgin this time tomorrow. The good Doc suggested I get my prostate checked last time, but I convinced him to wait. Then I got my Xanax prescription refilled and snagged a trial pack of Viagra for the road.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind an occasional finger up my ass. I just don’t want it to be by a 60-year old  bald guy.

Proposition Bets

Odds I run into Issac at the Dennis Miller concert: 200-1

Odds Crowe Dog gets laid on his cruise next week: 200-1

Odds Crowe Dog comes out of the closet after his cruise: Even

Let us pray

– Vote for real change on November 4th.

I’m headin’ down the Atlanta highway.


I came home Friday and found a FedEx package had been left on my patio. It was from the HR Department of a local corporation. I opened the package to find a job offer – an offer that greatly exceeded my current salary, and included a $5k signing bonus. There was just one problem – I never interviewed with the company.

I had applied for a position with the company several weeks ago, but not for the position of Validation Engineer. I don’t even know what that means.

After consulting with several drunks over the weekend, it was decided that I should accept the offer. Yeah, I know most people would have called the HR contact whose business card was included in the packet. But I’m not most people. And besides, I still held a glimmer of hope that the offer was based solely on my application.

The offer stated that I had to return all paperwork by today, so I signed the contract, and completed the tax forms. I walked into the company this morning and asked to speak with my HR contact.

I introduced myself as she walked into the lobby, and told her that I had decided to accept their offer. She began to fumble through my paperwork with a blank stare on her face. I got the feeling she had already noticed her mistake, but decided to stick to my game plan.

“When do I take the drug test?” I asked.

“Did you speak with Tammy?”

“Who’s Tammy?”

“She’s out of the office today, but leave your phone number and we’ll get back to you.”

“Okee doke,” I said as I handed her my phone number on a sticky note.

I received a follow up call within 30 minutes.

“I think we have a serious problem here,” she said.

“How so?” I asked.

“It seems we sent this job offer to the wrong person.”

“You mean I don’t have the job?” I replied.

“Did you ever interview with us?”

“I can’t really remember. I’ve been through so many interviews lately.”

“Do you even know what an Validation Engineer is?”

“Not really, but it’s probably something I can learn.”

“One of the job requirements is a Master’s Degree in Engineering.”

“Man, you would think the job would pay better.”

“Well, I’m sorry. But we made a mistake.”

“I’ll say. I just gave my 2-week notice to my current employer this morning.”

“I can call them if you want.”

“That’s not going to cut it. I’m without a job now thanks to your mistake. You need to speak with one of your superiors to see what can be done about this. In the meantime, I’m going to contact my attorney.”

“Okay,” she said, and hung up the phone.

I had an email waiting when I got home tonight with ‘Formal Notification’ written in the subject line. She had obviously gotten their attorney involved because the message contained words that someone who sends job offers to the wrong people wouldn’t normally use.

I have no plans to reply to her email.

If ya give this man a ride, sweet memory will die.

Dirty Job

The SOB picks for the Breeders’ Cup on Saturday are below. The first race goes off at 12:10 CT on ABC. They will televise the first 4 races, then the coverage moves to ESPN.

I once lost the last leg of a Pick 6 when the even money chalk hung in the stretch and lost by nose. If you know what that means, seek help now.

You may want to play a 3/1,5 trifecta in each race as a backup play. The stars are aligned.

And by the way, “You’re welcome.”

Breeders’ Cup Marathon
#7 Big Booster
#4 Sixties Icon
#3 Delightful Kiss

Breeders’ Cup Turf Sprint
#14 Mr. Nightlinger
#2 Fleeting Spirit
#11 Idiot Proof

TVG Breeders’ Cup Dirt Mile
#1 Lewis Michael
#8 Well Armed
#12 Lord Admiral

Breeders’ Cup Mile
#4 Goldikova
#1 Shakis
#9 War Monger

Bessemer Trust Breeders’ Cup Juvenile
#1 Munnings
#11 Midshipman
#13 West Side Bernie

Grey Goose Breeders’ Cup Juvenile Turf
#10 Skipadate
#8 Paddy The Pro
#5 Relatively Ready

Sentient Flight Group Breeders’ Cup Sprint
#7 In Summation
#2 Street Boss
#1 Cost of Freedom

Emirates Airlines Breeders’ Cup Turf
#10 Out of Control
#9 Conduit
#4 Soldier of Fortune

Breeders’ Cup Classic
#9 Curlin
#12 Champs Elysees
#1 Go Between

So don’t you be around.

Taco John's

Every so often we get reminded of how precious and short life is. That is what happened last Saturday when I heard that Gina Party and Sheila E’s father had passed away.

Yeah, I know they have different last names on the SOB, but that’s just for comedic effect. They are sisters. And two people whom I consider very good friends. Put it this way – If God ever granted me a Last Supper, they would get an invite.

That is the reason I made the 7-hour road trip home with them. They always talk about their family and growing up on a farm. But seeing it in person gave me a greater appreciation of who they are.

We did manage a few laughs over the past few days though, which is where I’ll try to lighten the mood.

As I collected my change at a truck stop on the way up, the cashier said, “Come again.”

“That’s what she said,” I joked.

Everyone in the place fell silent. I just grabbed my bag of cheese popcorn and walked out.

We had flowers delivered to the funeral home, but the card read “From your friend at The Summer of Benny.” We just added an “s” when no one was looking.

Family and friends gathered at their parent’s house after the wake. Their mom noticed the hardwood floor in the kitchen had collected a few crumbs.

“If this was my place, I would just cover that with a rug,” I told her.

She looked at me like I was crazy, and grabbed the vacuum.

That is the moment I learned why the two sisters’ homes are always so clean. And why mine looks like a fraternity house.

Dream up, dream up. Let me fill your cup.

There won’t be any new posts for a few days because I’m out of town with limited access to the Internet. And by limited, I mean none.

All my friends know I pee the bed now.

When I first discovered internet gambling, I got the same feeling Crowe Dog did after hearing Lance Bass was gay – “So you’re telling me there’s a chance.”

I would rush home from work, make myself a White Russian (I had just watched The Big Lebowski), print out the Daily Racing Form, and click the horse racing tab on my favorite gambling site.

One night, I was watching a race from a live feed, and noticed the same race was still open for betting.

So I decided to test my theory. I watched the next race finish, and then placed a $10 exacta with the winning numbers. The website accepted my bet, and fifteen minutes later, the winnings were added to my account.


I placed small exacta wagers the rest of the evening after watching races from around the country. All of my bets were accepted – and paid. I went to bed with my account balance over $2,700.

I came home after happy hour a few days later to find the site had left the last five races open from Louisiana Downs. I quickly went to another site that provided horse racing results. I wrote down the last five at LaD, and placed $10 straight trifecta bets with the winning combinations.

For those not familiar with horse wagering, a trifecta is a bet in which the bettor must select the first three finishers in exact order. In other words, I have a better chance of a snagging a threesome with Jessica Alba and Jennifer Anniston than hitting five trifectas in a row.

I went to bed (passed out) after placing the bets, and awoke the next morning with a huge boner. Don’t kid yourself about the reference to my penis. It had nothing to do with horse racing. I wake up that way every morning, and just like talking about it.

My account balance was now over $13,000! Okay, I admit that did cause a boner. I tried placing a bet on a football game, but received a message that I needed to call customer service.

When I called I was immediately transferred to a manger. I think his name was Lou.

“Looks like you had some kind of night,” he said.

“Yeah, I was on a roll,” I replied.

“I think we both know what happened, don’t we?” he asked.

“I’m not sure I understand what you’re talking about.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you hit five straight trifectas in row?”

“Like I said, I was on a roll.”

He paused for a few seconds as I listened to clicks being made on a keyboard in the background.

“Are you on our website right now?” he asked.


“Can you see your account balance?”


“Hit your Refresh button.”

And like that, my balance of over $13,000 was reduced to $0.

“Do you have anymore questions for me?” he asked.

“Yeah, what time is the first post at Keeneland today?”

I got the horse right here. The name is Paul Revere. And here’s a guy that says that the weather’s clear. Can do, can do, this guy says the horse can do.

Happy Birthday, Issac 
Happy Birthday, Issac

The annual Melrose Place Winery Trip is Saturday, November 1st. The cost of the round-trip bus ride is $27. We depart MP at 10 AM and return at 5 PM. Send me an email via the Contact page if you’re interested. Or call me if you’re fortunate to have my number.

Something happened over the weekend that has changed me in a deep and profound way. I noticed a bra laying behind a chair on Sunday morning at Gina Party’s house. I asked who it belonged to, and a girl responded that it belonged to her.

Now normally a booby alarm would have gone off in my head to alert me that a chick was in close proximity and not wearing a bra. I would have donned a pair of sunglasses, and had a 20-minute conversation with the young lady.

But the opportunity blew over the top of my head like someone telling Gina Party it’s time to go to sleep. So I decided to do a little self-analysis to figure out what exactly went wrong.

Booby Quiz

Why did I not realize a woman was walking around without a bra?

(a) I am content with my current love interest, and no longer have a desire to look at other boobies.

(b) I was too busy looking at Gina Party’s boobies because she was wearing a form-fitting white shirt without a bra.

(c) I was more concerned looking at the college football scores on SportsCenter.

(d) I was simply too hungover to catch it.


(a) Incorrect. But this one scares me.

(b) Incorrect. I’ve seen GP’s boobs so many times, it’s like looking at the sky.

(c) Incorrect. Mizzou was the only game I cared about, and already knew the score.

(d) Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

She’s flouting society’s conventions!

Alright, today is Issac’s birthday, so let’s get to know him a little better.

Some interesting things you may not know about Issac

– Believes our government planted crack cocaine in the inner cities.

– Sends me text messages during Presidential and VP debates to ask how in the hell I could be voting for McCain/Palin.

– Got his first Father’s Day card from me.

– Loves to hear it when white women say they prefer black men.

I walked forty-seven miles of barbed wire. I got a cobra snake for a necktie.

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