Fugue for Tinhorns

When I first discovered internet gambling, I got the same feeling Crowe Dog did after hearing Lance Bass was gay – “So you’re telling me there’s a chance.”

I would rush home from work, make myself a White Russian (I had just watched The Big Lebowski), print out the Daily Racing Form, and click the horse racing tab on my favorite gambling site.

One night, I was watching a race from a live feed, and noticed the same race was still open for betting.

So I decided to test my theory. I watched the next race finish, and then placed a $10 exacta with the winning numbers. The website accepted my bet, and fifteen minutes later, the winnings were added to my account.

Jackpot!

I placed small exacta wagers the rest of the evening after watching races from around the country. All of my bets were accepted – and paid. I went to bed with my account balance over $2,700.

I came home after happy hour a few days later to find the site had left the last five races open from Louisiana Downs. I quickly went to another site that provided horse racing results. I wrote down the last five at LaD, and placed $10 straight trifecta bets with the winning combinations.

For those not familiar with horse wagering, a trifecta is a bet in which the bettor must select the first three finishers in exact order. In other words, I have a better chance of a snagging a threesome with Jessica Alba and Jennifer Anniston than hitting five trifectas in a row.

I went to bed (passed out) after placing the bets, and awoke the next morning with a huge boner. Don’t kid yourself about the reference to my penis. It had nothing to do with horse racing. I wake up that way every morning, and just like talking about it.

My account balance was now over $13,000! Okay, I admit that did cause a boner. I tried placing a bet on a football game, but received a message that I needed to call customer service.

When I called I was immediately transferred to a manger. I think his name was Lou.

“Looks like you had some kind of night,” he said.

“Yeah, I was on a roll,” I replied.

“I think we both know what happened, don’t we?” he asked.

“I’m not sure I understand what you’re talking about.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you hit five straight trifectas in row?”

“Like I said, I was on a roll.”

He paused for a few seconds as I listened to clicks being made on a keyboard in the background.

“Are you on our website right now?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Can you see your account balance?”

“Yes.”

“Hit your Refresh button.”

And like that, my balance of over $13,000 was reduced to $0.

“Do you have anymore questions for me?” he asked.

“Yeah, what time is the first post at Keeneland today?”

I got the horse right here. The name is Paul Revere. And here’s a guy that says that the weather’s clear. Can do, can do, this guy says the horse can do.