A&W

Weekend Recap:

Friday: Pounded 8 cold ones in two hours, and then went camping. This ended up being the tamest of the three  days. And the term camping is a private joke, beotches.

Saturday: Gina Party had a sex toy party which is like me hosting Casino Night. They’ll probably deliver her purchases on a  flat bed truck. Afterwards we watched the Mizzou game and played board games. And by board games, I mean we slammed drinks by a bonfire.

Sunday: Watched football at Ozzie’s with Doug Wetback and Asian Kelly. Everything was going fine until I suggested they have a baby together so they could raise a car thief that can’t drive. Awkward.

I think you’re gonna like it. I think you’re gonna feel like you belong.

There isn’t much time to write this morning because (a) I have to get ready for work and (b) I’m making a wish list for a sex toy party this weekend. Anyone know if they make a Jessica Alba blow-up doll?

That reminds me of a quick story. Tom and Crowe Dog stopped by my place a couple of months ago. CD noticed the new computer in my home office and asked, “Is that where you get all your work done?”

“No, that’s where I look at internet porn.”

“Really?” he replied.

Tom interrupted and said, “I wouldn’t touch that mouse.”

Here’s a joke I wrote the other day:

A woman runs into a girlfriend that just got back from Las Vegas. “How was your vacation?” she asks.

“Fine.”

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?”

“Try telling that to my gynecologist.”

Check out the Photos page after Dani-girl uploaded a couple of new albums – Ms. Westport and Abby’s Birthday.

This Day in Benny History:

1998: In KC to visit Dad in hospital

1999: Golf at Annbriar (103)

2003: PM – 2 mi. run

2004: Friends of Kids with Cancer 5K at Westport Plaza – Janae beat me be by 7 min. (show off)

2005: Watched football at Ozzie’s

2007: AM – 4 mi. walk / PM – Taco Tuesday at Casa with Gina Party

- Little girl buries her dead goldfish. Thanks, Sheila E. NSFW

- After a two year visit to the United States, Michelangelo’s David is returning to Italy. Thanks, Tory K. 

- 1999 NY Times article warning about potential troubles with Fannie Mae. Thanks, Laura M.

So get down on your knees. And let me know you’re eager to please.

How do you people work 40 hours a week? It’s exhausting.

- You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!

- 10 People from your past who will haunt you on Facebook.

- You gotta love politics.

- McCain’s Brain #1: Checking out his VP.

- If textbooks could talk. NSFW

- Using animation to cover the nasties in porn flicks. NSFW

Don’t seem right. I’ve been strung out here all night.

I hope everyone took advantage of my free NFL picks on Sunday that went 2-3. While that’s not enough to lose your house, be patient, because I’ve yet to release my 5-team College Crap Parlay of the Year.

I sometimes receive emails asking why there is a lack of posts, especially during the weekend. Well, here’s a recap of last weekend that might be able to put things into perspective.

Friday night – Sybergs with college buddies for a few cold water sandwiches

Saturday – Opened the first beer of the day at Noon – watched football at summer home (Melrose Place clubhouse) with Issac- stumbled over to Ozzie’s at 6:30 to save table – watched Mizzou hammer Nebraska

Sunday – Opened the first beer of the day at 8 AM – had tailgate party by myself – stumbled over to Ozzie’s at 11:45 – watched the Chiefs get hammered by Carolina – went to the pool for an afternoon cap

Have you ever had a girl on top who was wearing nothing but sunglasses?

Me neither.

I know I’m sleeping with an angel and this devil’s in luck.

No New York teams made the baseball post-season, Mizzou wins in Lincoln for the first time in 30 years, OJ the Murderer is finally behind bars, and one of the VP candidates is a total MILF – All is well in the world.

I didn’t pee the bed last night, but I would shy away from the recliner for a while. Wink.

I sent the following text message to a few people: I found a picture of you.

Here are some of the responses:

Dani-girl: I sent pics of me? Those? Duh

Abby: Shit. Doing what?

Asian Kelly: oh shit!?!

Cathy G: Pretenders?

Tom B: Great!

Gina Party: Stick it.

Cathy G. - Winner, winner, chicken dinner. 

NFL picks:
Indy – 3
Balt + 2′
KC + 9′
Ariz +1′
SF +3 (Best Bet)

I want you to remember.

I had to get up at 5 AM this morning so I could get downtown for a tradeshow. Translation: I had to get up at 5 AM this morning so I could get downtown for a pastry and a cup of coffee.

But the day produced a bit of advice I would like to share. If you ever find yourself downtown, and have a brown snake playing peek-a-boo; find the nearest convention hotel and go straight to the meeting rooms. There you will find the most pristine bathrooms in the country. And if you have enough time to grab a complimentary newspaper – well, you have just struck gold, my friend.

This is in stark contrast of having to use a Citgo crapper on MLK Drive. But don’t panic if you find yourself in this situation. Simply ask the foreigner behind the counter for directions to the nearest hotel. Drive there as fast as you can, and if you’re running out of time, charge the cost of valet parking to your room. Tell the attendant you’re Tim Johnson in room 217.

That reminds me, I would like to thank Mr. Johnson for picking up the $9.95 tab for my wireless internet today.

I spoke with Crowe Dog on the way home about a conversation he had with a homosexual acquaintance. “I told him that me and Rupert are going to Bermuda together, and he said that’s how it all starts.“ 

“That’s not how it all starts. It starts when a guy gets a hankerin’ for some cock,” I explained.

“Even better.”

“Good talk.”

He then said that he had to hang up because he was going to the gym.

“You’re going to the gym?” I asked.

“No. I said I’m going to see Jim.”

“Good talk again.”

- Funny name for a CNN Correspondent based in Mexico.

Now I lie in bed and think of her. Sometimes I even weep.