Archive for January, 2009

Hook 'em Horns

Stupid snow… stupid broken ankle… stupid Economic Stimulus Bill – $335,000,000 for STD prevention?

Here, I’ll do it for free: You can either (a) Keep your dick in your pants, (b) Wear a condom, or (c) Stay away from skanks.

You’re welcome.

I didn’t make a post last night because it was my birthday – a special thanks to Doug Wetback and Maribeth for going to Ozzie’s with me in the snow.

You know what sucks? – working at a big company with a lot of hot ass – but not being able to talk about the hot ass because some people think that it’s inappropriate.

I’m in a hurry tonight because I’m about to have sex. But be sure to check back on Super Bowl Sunday for the debut of SOB TV.

All I want is to feel this way. To be this close, to feel the same.

Snorkeling in Minnesota

I started a new job today. That’s the good news. The bad news is that my work day starts at 7:30 A.M., and it’s about a 30-minute drive. So, if I intend on taking a shower and shaving everyday – which I do – I have to get up before six o’clock.

WTF?

Hey, I’m lucky to have a job in this economy, so I’m not going to complain. But I may have to take advantage of Obama’s economic stimulus plan, and apply for some of the welfare money he’s about to increase.

I did something this morning during training that I don’t remember ever doing – I nodded off for a brief second.

A co-worker was showing me how to do a couple of things in a software program, and I just fell asleep.

“I think you’re finger is stuck on the ‘1’ key,” she said.

I woke up to see ‘111111111111111111111111’ all over the computer screen.

“Yeah, I think there’s something wrong with this keyboard,” I told her.

Have you ever been watching the news with your girlfriend and the weatherman says to expect four inches tonight and another 5 tomorrow – and then asked her if she wanted to get all 9 inches tonight?

Me neither.

Joke

“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”

“Yes, what can I do for you?”

“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.

“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep!”

“Happy Birthday, buddy.”

- Thanks, Lisa F.

There was a story on the news tonight about a new study on drinking. The report said that heavy drinking can take 10-15 years off of your life.

It’s been nice knowing you.

She says it’s cold outside, and she hands me my raincoat. She’s always worried about things like that.

Finally 
Finally

I hate using crutches – so much in fact, that I haven’t been using them as much as I should. My doctor gave me a stern lecture yesterday after reviewing my X-rays and told me to keep weight off of my foot for another three weeks. The good news is that I got a handicap parking sticker for another 90 days.

Have you ever tried to find a handicapped parking spot at Wal-Mart? Impossible.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Being overweight and trying to find the closest parking spot at the store. Cha Ching! – $10.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Being overweight and taking an elevator one floor instead of using the stairs. Cha Ching! – $10.

Please note that being overweight is not a taxable offense by itself. Most of us could stand to lose a few lbs. But if you are physically able, park a good distance from the store entrance and walk. And if you work on the second floor of a 2-story building, take the stairs for crying out loud.

Tech Tip of the Day:

I wouldn’t mind getting more votes on the next round of SOB T-shirts.  Most of you probably have a MySpace or Facebook page. At the bottom of each post you will see a ‘Share’ button. You can instantly add a link to the SOB to your social network by clicking the appropriate site and signing in.

Share the love. Or if you’re a democrat, share the wealth.

I apologize in advance if you already knew how to do this. But most of the people I hang with barely know how to run Spell Check.

Follow the SOB on Twitter.

I had a hard run, runnin from your window.

Truckin' 

We’re ordering T-shirts and Koozies next week. The two sayings listed below that get the most votes will be printed on the front of the T-shirts. You can vote for your favorite or add one yourself.

Thanks to Mr. O for coming up with a lot of these.

Be sure to pick one that you won’t be afraid to wear in public. I’m not talking about a nice restaurant. But choose one that you would at least wear to a pool party.

What text should appear on the front of the next SOB T-shirt?
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Blues? What blues? Hey I forgot ‘em.

 I should've learned to rope and ride 
Issac at the satellite office

I did it good this time. 

After spending Saturday evening celebrating Issac’s girlfriend’s birthday at Buffalo Wild Wings, I left my coat in a buddy’s car – which by the way, was where I had put my pee pills.  

When my girlfriend asked if I had taken one before bed, I lied and said, “Yes.”

Mistake.

I woke up around 3:30 AM to find myself in a pickle. After realizing what I had done (in her bed), I hopped up and devised a plan – I would change into dry clothes and lay in the wet spot. I thought that perhaps the dry cotton clothing I was wearing would absorb the liquid like a sponge.

Wrong.

I woke up a couple of hours later to hear her screaming my name. And not in a good way.

She got out of bed and said, “Wash the sheets.”

“Okay.”

I removed the fitted sheet and mattress pad only to discover that the bed also contained a plastic wrap that looked a like a tarp. When I found her laying on the sofa in a dry blanket I asked, “You have a mattress pad and a plastic sheet?”

“Yes! I like my bed and was expecting this to happen. I work too hard for you to ruin my things.”

“But a mattress pad and a plastic sheet? – That’s like wearing two condoms.”

Another mistake.

“My mattress pad isn’t waterproof, genius.”

At this point, there was nothing left for me to say but, “I’m sorry. You’re right, and I’m wrong.”

I was then escorted to the washing machine where I was told how stupid I was for (a) attempting to wash only the fitted sheet and not the cover sheet and pillow cases and (b) not washing the mattress pad first since it would be the first thing to put back on the bed.

In my defense, the cover sheet and pillow cases didn’t get wet. And it didn’t matter what I washed first because I planned to put everything in a pile on the floor before making the bed.

Don’t fret – the story has a happy ending.

I apologized for what I had done. She apologized for calling me stupid.

“But you could use some more common sense,” she added.

Agreed.

Two new things are coming to the SOB soon – T-shirts and SOB TV.  

We hope to have T-shirts and Koozies available in a few weeks. They will have funny (at least we think they’re funny) sayings on the front with the logo and website address on the back.

The premier of SOB TV will be on Super Bowl Sunday at Tom d G’s – Thanks to Gina Party for purchasing the webcam.  I’ll have more information on this as we get closer to the date, but here’s the SOB TV address: http://www.justin.tv/summerofbenny

I can’t wait to use the webcam at the pool this summer. Shit, that reminds me, I need to go workout.

Stealing a young girl’s hearts just like Gene and Roy,

Another round... 

I couldn’t wait to make another post so I wouldn’t have to look at that dick bed anymore. When did Crowe Dog start carving wood, anyway? Drink, I said wood.

I got a haircut today from a woman that thought she would enhance my experience by talking the entire time.

Now, I don’t mind a conversation when the stylist is a hot girl in her 20’s with large boobs that rest on my shoulder as she’s trimming my sideburns.

I’ll even talk about rap music if she’s attractive enough – “Man, Lil’ Wayne was straight up droppin’ rhymes last night at the BET’s. That’s my boy, right therre.”

But when the woman looks like Charlie’s cleaning lady on Two and a Half Men, and I’m zoned out on pain killers, just cut my hair and keep your yapper shut.

Here’s out it started: 

  1. I walk in on my crutches
  2. She scurries to the register from the back room
  3. She asks for my phone number
  4. I make one up and give it to her
  5. She notices the screen saver is activated on their PC and says, “Looks like I need to wake up the computer.”
  6. I ignore her stupid comment
  7. She asks if this is my first time there
  8. I say, “Yes.”
  9. The lady who cut my hair last time gives me a funny look
  10. Berta asks for my name
  11. I make one up
  12. She introduces herself and we walk to the chair

Below is a glimpse at more of our conversation – only my responses are what I was thinking:


BERTA
What happened to your foot?

BENNY
What happened to your ass?


BERTA
Oh, your hair looks like you just got out of the shower.

BENNY
Oh, your hair looks like you just got out of a wind tunnel.


BERTA
They’re saying it’s going to get cold.

BENNY
Thanks for the weather update, genius.


BERTA
Do you have to work today?

BENNY
Yeah, I work in a library. Let’s pretend we’re there now.


BERTA
(listening to a commercial on the radio) Wow, 44 cents is a pretty good deal on greeting cards.

BENNY
I wish a $7.99 haircut was.


BERTA
Do you have a coupon?

BENNY
I wish I had a muzzle.


BERTA
Come back and see us.

BENNY
Not if you’re here.


And yes, I left a tip. It’s not like I’m some kind of capitalism hating socialist democrat that thinks I’m entitled to government benefits even though I pay little or no taxes and can’t speak English.

WTF did you just say?

I was thirsty and you wet my lips.

Bed For Sale 
Seriously?

This morning I hobbled on my crutches through the hallways of a medical building looking for LabCorp, so I could piss in a cup. What a load of crap. I mean, I don’t smoke pot like I did in college, but I think it’s total bullshit that I could lose a job because I took a few puffs at a Petty Concert.

Anyway, I passed a men’s restroom along the way and thought to myself, “I need to piss.”

So I did.

When I finally made it to my destination, the lady took my paperwork, and made me take off my coat and empty my pockets. She then handed me the specimen cup with lines drawn for ‘minimum’ and ‘maximum’ levels. As she shut the door, I realized that I probably shouldn’t have relieved myself earlier – because I had nothing left but a few drops.

I walked out of the bathroom with my head down. I explained my predicament to the lady and she told me that I couldn’t leave the office until my mission was complete. Whore. I had to guzzle water for 30 minutes before I won the next round.

The only thing that made my wait worth while was watching the lady rolling a new jug of water from the storage room into the lobby.

And they better not test for pain or pee pills.

- Smurfs at work. NSFW 

– The Amazing Racist. NSFW

– Plaxico Burress on gun safety. NSFW 

Charlie Brown celebrates Martin Luther King Day. NSFW

You think you’re tired now. But wait until three.

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