King

I’ve been sicker than Gina Party on Sunday morning. And on top of having the flu, my latest X-rays reveal that my ankle is not healing properly. It may have something to do with the fact that using crutches suck my ass.

I got the new pics taken last night at an Urgent Care because they accept my insurance and are open until 8 PM.

After reviewing the X-rays, the female radiologist asked, “Why didn’t they put you in a real cast?”

Hoping to hear a bit of good news, I replied, “Why didn’t they give you cup of shutty?”

Have you ever tried to shave your balls while standing on one leg?

Me neither.

Happy Belated Birthday, Jo B. (1/11). I love you.

Happy Birthday, Mac (2/10).

Vote for Dani-girl in The Bull Rocks Sweet Thing Photo Contest. Our lovely cast member can be found in Gallery 4, Number 6 (kissing Tom d G’s bicep). You’ll need to enter a valid email and confirm the message from The Bull for your vote to be counted.

Why is the media making such a big deal out of Michael Phelps hitting a bong? I mean, the biggest pot heads in my high school were on the swim team.

I remember one afternoon I was walking through the locker room after track practice (yeah, I used to be a runner), and the swimming coach was about to hold an impromptu meeting.

“Benny, get in here!” he screamed.

“Why?”

“You need to hear this!”

Man, I had to listen to a 15-minute lecture on the evils of marijuana.

And then I got stoned with the state champ in the 50-yard freestyle on the way home.

Take your time, hurry up. The choice is yours, don’t be late.

I’m in the process of writing a country and western song about Gina Party. It’s called Shut the Fuck Up and Get in the Truck. That’s as far as I’ve gotten.

My girlfriend is such a neat freak. I’m constantly getting reprimanded for not cleaning up after myself. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even try to clean while she’s around. It’s like having Tiger Woods watch your golf swing.

I haven’t mentioned this yet, but me and Doug Wetback are moving into a 2-bedroom apartment at Melrose Place next month. He made me agree not to move anything that’s been peed on. That means it should take me less than an hour to move. And since we won’t have any furniture for the living room, he came up with the perfect solution – rent furniture.

Think of the brilliance behind his idea. If I ever pee on the sofa (and by if, I mean when), we’ll just call the rental company, and have them drop off a new one. It’s like having pee insurance.

I saw you (and him) walking in the rain. You were holding hands and I’ll never be the same.

Sorry, Bill, I’d rather kiss my new boss!

Man, the more you watch this, the funnier it gets.

Thanks, Cathy G. for sending today’s picture. And thanks again for singing along with Bruce Springsteen during halftime of the Super Bowl. I never knew the song he opened with was 6th Avenue Freeze Out. You must have been four blocks away when you first heard it. Either that or you confused the song with another one from The Wallflowers.

The new Odd Couple – Me and Issac – riding to work together every morning…

Now, I’ll admit that I’m not a morning person. But I wake up pretty quickly when we start arguing politics on the way. The funny thing is that we usually talk sports or happy hours on the way home.

But since he’s been kind enough to drive my ass around while my ankle heals, he has complete control of the radio.

In the morning, we usually listen to something called The Rickey Smiley and deez nuts Morning Show. I can’t understand a thing they are saying, but it’s better than arguing with your buddy over whether or not the CIA planted crack cocaine in the inner-cities during the 1980’s.

Odds on the songs I’ll hear on the way to/from work riding with Issac: 

Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It) by Beyonce (2-1)

Live Your Life by T.I. Featuring Rihanna (4-1)

Lollipop by Lil’ Wayne (10-1)

American Girl by Tom Petty (100-1)

L.A. Woman by the Doors (750-1)

Any song by the Grateful Dead (10,000-1)

I think his favorite part of ride is when I tell him something my girlfriend said, and he reminds me that I’m in a relationship.

She knows what she knows. I know what she’s thinking. Sugar kisses. Sugar kisses.

Update: Yesterday’s poll has been removed because someone was stuffing the ballot box. 

The T-shirts and Koozies are being ordered tomorrow. They should be available within the next two weeks, or so. Of course that means I’ll have to create another page on the site which is going to be difficult because I’ve been spending most of my free time downloading unedited Lil’ Wayne tracks from iTunes.

Here’s a conversation I overheard at a QuikTrip the day after Obama’s inauguration:

          Lady #1
Gurrl, I can’t believe he’s finally in derre.

          Lady #2
I hurd dat. As long as Obama’s sittin’ in dat house, I won’t hat to worry ’bout payin’ my light beales or my rent.

          Lady #1
(laughing) Amen, gurrl. Amen.

Who thinks like that? Seriously.

And look around, leaves are brown now.

Good news! – My penis saw its shadow today, so my girlfriend gets at least six more weeks of hot Benny lovin’.

What a weekend…

I had my birthday dinner on Friday at Kobe Steakhouse with Chuck and Theresa H. The only bad part was sharing our table with a couple of hilljackers from Barnhart.

To give you an idea of how annoying the man was, here’s just a small sampling of our dining experience with the douche bag.

1. When the chef put the chicken and seafood on the grill, he yelled, “Where’s the beef?”
2. He was also celebrating a birthday, and when the staff put a candle in front of him, he pretended to blow it out with a snot rocket.
3. After seeing me on crutches and wearing a cast, he asked, “Did you hurt your leg?”

I went to a church fundraiser on Saturday night. The $10 donation included draft beer, and you were allowed to bring your own. I love being Catholic. Sufficed to say I don’t remember much of the evening except for the chick smoking a joint outside the front door. Oh, and Doug Wetback making out with a chick in a pew.

Super Bowl Sunday was legendary. Tom d G threw a monster bash at his crib, and was generous enough to buy the SOB ice luge in today’s picture. He also bought the assortment of liquor that was used to make the estimated 46 shots I consumed. I also want to thank Mr. O for coming up with the ‘Got Pee Pills?’ saying that was carved into the bottom of the sculpture.

Sunday was also the debut of SOB TV which drew over 280 viewers.

I rode to work with Issac this morning. As we veered onto the highway, I said, “That was a great Super Bowl last night.”

“I don’t remember a thing. Who won?” he replied.

And he’s a football fan.

- Is it just me or has anyone ever seen Doug Wetback and Carlton on the Trainwreck dance floor at the same time?

All right stop, collaborate and listen.

Watch the SOB Super Bowl Party Live! on February 1st beginning at 3:00 PM CT. We put the TD in STD.

In the last post, I wrote about not being able to talk about hot ass in the workplace because some people might get offended. What I meant to say was that you can’t tell a girl she has a hot ass nowadays. There was time, albeit in the 1950’s, when you could tell your secretary that she has a hot ass, and then tell her to fetch you a cup of coffee.

SOB Super Picks:

• Arizona +7 (W)
• Over 46′ (W)
• Coin Flip: Heads (W)
• Will Bruce Springsteen play Glory Days? Yes 2-1 (W)

Have you ever sold an autographed Derrick Thomas authentic jersey for beer money, and found out it was worth over $4,000 after he got elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame?

Me neither.

Have you ever gone to a Night at the Races at church and ended up making out with a chick in a pew?

Neither has Doug Wetback.

Have you ever had someone ask you if you had a bible, and responded by saying, “Just the one I stole”?

Neither has Anonymous SOB Cast Member.

Turn me on.