Archive for April, 2009

Girl sucking banana

The 135th Kentucky Oaks will be run on Friday. The Grade 1 race is the ‘Kentucky Derby’ for the ladies. And by ladies, I mean fillies. It’s held annually the day before the Derby.

But you already knew that.

This year’s race will be televised on Bravo with coverage beginning at 5:00 PM ET.

Shouldn’t it be on Lifetime?

Anyway, by buddy Niro asked me to study the past performances, and pick a winner for a friend of his that’s heading down to KY.

Drink – I said K-Y.

The overwhelming favorite will be Rachael Alexandra. But I refuse to take a horse that’s likely to go off at 1-5 or lower. I mean, who wants to brag about getting back $2.40 on a $2.00 wager?

Not me.

In what appears to be a fast early pace, Nan seems like a logical closer. Even though track might end up sloppy.

Yeah, I know all of her races, except a 9th place finish at Saratoga in August, have been run on synthetic surfaces or turf. But if this filly takes to the dirt at Churchill Downs, she’s got has a chance.

And consider this – Corey Nakatani was aboard her only win. He  rides her again today.

Drink – I said he rides her again.

SOB Picks for the 135th Kentucky Oaks

Win and Place wager on #7 – Nan

Exacta: 7/5,6

Trifecta 7/5,6/1

And, if you have a pretty decent bankroll, play #7 – Nan over “All” in the Oaks/Derby Double.

The bet will cost you a total of $40 for a $2 wager. But if Nan wins on Friday, you’ll be booking a trip to Mexico on Saturday morning.

Well, maybe not Mexico.

Have you ever dropped your car off for a state inspection and said to the mechanic, “If it doesn’t pass for any reason, just put it back together and I’ll pay the $24″?

Me neither.

Oh, daddy, dear, you know you’re still number one.

Ground Zero for the Swine Flu
I think we found ground zero for the swine flu

I watched Obama’s news conference tonight. I can’t understand how he spends ten minutes telling the world the US is no longer using enhanced interrogation techniques – but never mentions the war on terror. 

That’s what gets me about liberals. They’re perfectly fine with partial birth abortions. But God help us if we hold Khalid Sheikh Mohammed’s head underwater for a few seconds.

Chico finally made it home for the first time since Mr. O slept in his bed. And this is the first thing he said to me.

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This Day in Benny History

1996: Lunch-YMCA (20 min. stairmaster; 1 circuit @ 15; 60 sit-up mach ; 5 min. walk), PM-YMCA (45 min. walk/jog; 100 sit-up mach). 2-a-days – WTF?

1997: Lunch-3.7 mi. walk/jog 

1999: Drove to Indy to meet Red and Niro on the way to the Kentucky Derby. I had Cat Thief, Niro had Stephen Got Even, and Red had the mini-TV he bought at Wal-Mart. Charismatic won.

2003: 2.3 mi. walk/jog

2004: AM-abs; free weights, PM-3 mi. run. 2-a-days again?

2005: Boys are back in town the night before Kelly Golf Tournament – Niro, Mike S and Wil E. Coyote

2006: Kelly Golf Tournament with Niro, Josh H, Karla, Matt, Papa, G-Man and Timbo

2007: Day after Kelly Golf Tournament – slept

2008: Drove to KC

2009: Drank Jim Beam and wrote a post on the SOB

I’ll unleash my Kentucky Oaks picks tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll win.

Palm Pilot 
My new Palm Pilot

Mr. O and I collaborated on my debut Country and Western album over the weekend. Here are the titles we’ve come up with so far:

  1. I Got a DUI on the Way to Get My IUD
  2. Hungover (and Horny)
  3. Get in the Truck, Bitch
  4. My Smart Phone is Stupid
  5. This Light Beer is Getting Heavy

All we need now are a few more titles, a recording studio, and a bunch of down on their luck musicians that won’t mind playing for beer.

Things that make me say WTF?

Spending hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to fly Air Force One with two F-16’s in tow over Ground Zero so you can have a new souvenir picture. And before the operation, telling law enforcement agencies not to leak the information to the media.

Geez, I would’ve have Photoshopped the MF’er for a new laptop and a 30-pack of Bud Light.

– Air Force One photo-op flyover in NYC causes panic.

Ground Control to Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.

Lil' Dougie's Shirt
What a Medium looks like on an XL

Sometimes when Chico is out of town, I put on his clothes and have pictures taken. 

Lil’ Chico Shirt

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I woke up this morning thinking I either have the swine flue, or just drank too much when Mr. O was in town. The smart money’s on the latter.

Remember kids – an employer is always going to be more receptive to an absence if you mention a possible pandemic rather than telling them you got tanked for three straight days.

I’m busy studying past performances for the Kentucky Derby this Saturday. So get the car started – we’re about to hit a big one.

Drink – I said big one.

‘Cause online I’m out in Hollywood. I’m 6 foot 5, and I look damn good.

Spicy Brats
Hey baby, want to taste my Johnsonville?

It might be time for me to grow up. Last night, someone close to me said that I refuse to accept responsibility. 

“That’s not true,” I explained. “I just don’t like being obligated to do something.”

“That’s the definition of responsibility.”

“Oh.”

Then I made another drink and turned on SportsCenter.

And I was born in the back seat of a Greyhound bus. Rollin’ down highway 41.

Melrose Place Pool

The cover came off the Melrose Place pool today. Check out the long hose.

Drink – I said hose.

Mr. O is coming into town tomorrow. I called him tonight with what I thought was a bit of good news.

                         BENNY
Hey, Chico’s out of town this weekend, so you can sleep in his bed.

                         MR. O
Isn’t that where he bangs his chick?

                         BENNY
Well, you’re welcome to sleep in mine. But I thought you’d prefer the lesser of two evils.

                         MR. O
(Laughing) Touché. What are you and the girlfriend doing Saturday night?

                         BENNY
I’m not sure. I just sent her a text message that said “I wish my penis was inside your vagina right now,’ so maybe nothing. Sometimes girls just don’t see the big picture.

                         MR. O
Maybe you should send her one.

Believe me, I’m not about to send her a picture of my penis. Not after the way she acted when she opened my Christmas Card. 

One summer never ends. One summer never began. It keeps me standing still. It takes all my will.

ATM 
Keeneland’s first race goes off in 5 minutes. WTF?

The Man didn’t take long cashing the check I sent to pay my taxes. I mailed it on April 15th, and it cleared my bank last night.

That reminds me, I would like to take this opportunity to thank whoever came up with the idea of overdraft protection. 

I’m still playing my numbers in the lottery, though. That loan is not going to pay itself.

You can take this Twitter and Facebook craze to a whole other level when you send updates after a few cold ones. I learned that the hard way after I read the ones I made on Saturday night.

If you’re still a novice when it comes to these social networking sites, I’ll try to explain the concept. Think of them as drunk dialing – times a thousand.

Drunk dialing is like fishing. You toss a bobber in the water in hopes of watching it disappear.

– Benny

Most people have made calls or sent messages after a night of drinking. Or at least the people reading this have. More often than not, they’re nothing more than drunken vain attempts to hook up with someone you used to bang.

And the person Cupid tried to hit with his arrow the night before – is usually how you find out about it the next day.

I learned years ago not to go through my ‘Outgoing’ calls when I’m hungover. It’s just too sad.

But with these sites, you have the opportunity to embarrass yourself in front of anyone with an internet connection.

God Bless America.

Audio Diary is the band that played at Parties in the Plaza last week. They’re at Trainwreck in Westport this Friday, April 24th.

I can make you dance. I can make you sing. If you want me to.

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