I spent over an hour at the cell phone store on Monday. During this grueling test of patience, I witnessed a confrontation between an irate customer and the store manager.

One of my pet peeves is when people use big words in an attempt to sound smarter than they actually are.

While watching the altercation, I was sure of two things:

1. The customer was trying to get a refund.
2. She was a democrat.

Below is part of the conversation.

                         ANGRY LADY
I’ve been here over an hour. I left work early, and need to go pick up my keeds.

                         STORE MANAGER
I apologize for your wait, ma’am. We have two PC’s at this location, and swap phones in the order they are received. That’s why we suggested you leave the phone when you first came in.

                         ANGRY LADY
This is ridiculous. How you only have two PC’s?

                         STORE MANGER
We only have two technicians at this location, ma’am. And some days are busier than others. Again, I apologize for your wait.

                         ANGRY LADY
Ya’ll need to consider supply and demand if you gonna have these volumes of transitions.

Now, I sympathize with her situation. I didn’t like waiting either. But please don’t start giving economics lessons when you have the vocabulary of an 8-year old.

Having a roommate can be difficult at times. Just ask Chico. People don’t usually move in with someone unless they have a pretty good idea of what the other is like.

But there are times when you ask yourself, “WTF is this guy doing?”

Take this morning for example. I was watching Fox and Friends in the living room. Meanwhile, Chico was ironing a shirt in his room, and listening to a hip-hop radio station.

Neither is right or wrong. I guess the main difference is the types of conversations we have. 

Today I talked about the U.S.-operated cargo ship seized by Somali pirates. And Chico updated his co-workers on Chris Brown and Rhianna.

- ZoNation: Affirmative Action and Socializing the Big Three. – Thanks, Mike. K.

Standing in line marking time. Waiting for the welfare dime. Cause they can’t buy a job.

Good gravy, those things are huge.

Meet Crazy Mary. She’s a friend of Gina Party. Shocker. And for our enjoyment, she bought an SOB T-shirt – size small.

Holy Moses, smell the roses.

I’m writing a country and western song. It’s called I got a DUI on the way to get my IUD. I’m thinking either Gretchen Wilson or Tanya Tucker.

Seriously, I want to write this, so we need to find someone that can play the geetar.

Joke

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

The clerk is astonished. “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

“Lard ass.”

- Thanks, Tom d G.

Unclasp your bra, and set those puppies free. They’d look a whole lot better without that sweater, baby. I’m sure you’ll agree. 

It’s a little out of focus, but this is what a blood blister looks like. If you want to now how it feels, imagine someone hitting your thumb with a sledgehammer.

I’m finally trying to get into all of this Twitter and Facebook stuff. I mentioned I was sending updates to Twitter the other day. I have also created a SOB page on Facebook. Tell your friends

There’s just one problem right now – my new phone doesn’t work. I mean I have a Touch phone, but nothing happens when I touch it.

I’ve been with women like that.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Sending a snide email or text message to your significant other after you’ve been drinking all day. Cha Ching! – $10.

Okay, this video may not be funny unless you know the players. And even then, you still might not find it funny.

Here’s the setup: 

Chico was exhausted and driving back from Jeff City. Gina Party, Sheila E. and I were having cocktails at the satellite office waiting for him.

Gina had brought home three bottles of wine for herself. I thought that sounded delicious, so we conspired against Chico to stop and get me some. I knew he wouldn’t go to Trader Joe’s for my dumb ass. But I figured he would for a chick.

So I convinced Gina to call Chico and ask him to pick up some wine for her. The video shows her rehearsing how she was going to explain the three bottles of wine she already had.

Please note that the loud burp heard in this epic clip was generated by the filmmaker. And by filmmaker, I mean Sheila E.

You need to have Apple QuickTime installed to view the video because I don’t have the time or patience to convert it to Windows Media format.

- The great wine incident of 2009. NSFW

It’s down to me. The difference in the clothes she wears. Down to me, the change has come.

Haters gotta hate. Lovers wanna love. I don’t even want none of the above. I want to piss on you.

Here are three things that I’ve moved for years. Not only am I not moving them again – they’re going in the dumpster tonight.

Besides, they all come with a story I probably need to forget. And by story, I mean girl.

Below are brief descriptions of how I acquired each item (left to right).

I got this little beauty in 2002 when I was staying at the Rio in Las Vegas with Drunkie Drunk. I think it was filled with a Pina Colada or something.

Anyway, we passed out shortly after Medaglia d’Oro finished 8th in the Preakness. I had a sizable win wager in play, but Bailey didn’t have enough horse after the quick fractions.

But I’m telling you something you already know.

Doggie Style gave me this sterling silver flask before our trip to Hawaii in 1996.

This chick liked doing it doggie style so much, I swear she hiked her leg on the toilet.

Ah, the highly coveted Hurricane glass from Pat O’Brien’s in New Orleans. I can’t remember the girl’s name, but she was my first fluff.

Since that night, I’ve kept a list in a journal I call, “The Girls That Fluffed Me.”

Things that make me say WTF?

Banging a girl when your roommate is in the next room, and not making any effort to keep the noise down.

I mean, this practice is completely acceptable when you’re in college.

“Hey dude, did you hear me spanking that chick’s ass last night?” is a commonly heard phrase in fraternity houses all across this great country of ours.

But if you’re over 30 years old, cram a pillow in her mouth.

Jerry, this is the way society functions. Aren’t you a part of society? Because if you don’t want to be a part of society, Jerry, why don’t you just get in your car and move to the East Side!

I don’t know. But I’ve been told. If you keep on dancing. You’ll never grow old. Come on darling. Put a pretty dress on. We’re gonna go out tonight.