Looks like McDonalds is putting some pressure on Starbucks. Today was the first time I walked out of there without spending over five bucks.

I went to St. Louis Bread Co. afterwards for breakfast. That’s Panera Bread for those of you outside the Lou.

SOB Translation of the Day 

Quote: “I’ll take a whole grain bagel, toasted, sandwich sliced, with vegetable cream cheese and a soy milk latte.”

Translation: “I’m a high maintenance bitch.”

I always lock my doors, even when I’m going to be gone for just a few minutes. It’s not that I’m worried about somebody stealing my shit. I just don’t want to hear a lecture from a cop on how I should have locked the door.

Look what Benny did today!

1. Five loads of laundry
2. Put away laundry
3. Took out trash

We’re in the homestretch. All that’s left is the bathroom. I could clean that tonight, but I have an extension because the judge is going to the lake this weekend.

Drink – I said extension.

Actually, extension isn’t a bad word. But give me a second, and I’ll make it one.

She thought she was going to have to soft serve me, but after a few tugs, I got my extension.

Nailed it.

I got some bad news today. Dani-girl, Abby and Maribeth are moving out of Melrose Place. All three are SOB cast members.

As sad as that is, it gave me an idea. Maybe we should adopt the Menudo philosophy, and replace aging members with younger ones.

Drink – I said members.

I was a doctor, a lawyer, a senator’s son, Brad Pitt’s brother and a man on the run. Anything I thought would get the job done.

I had a deep conversation with a buddy today about women who like to play the ol’ rusty trombone. He was wondering if they talk to their girlfriends about their fondness for licking butt.

I doubt that’s the case. I mean, they may share a lesbian story from college. But no girl wants her friends to think she’s a straight up freak.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “I had to come and steal y’alls ice.”

Translation: “The ice maker in my department is not working, so I am going to use yours.”

Is American Idol over with yet? I can’t prove this, but their viewers have to be the same people that watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann, and think they’re watching an unbiased news program.

You don’t have to be Nostradamus to predict this conversation in the future:

                         Crowe Dog
Would you think I was gay if I told you I had a threesome last night?

                         Benny
Not if you didn’t touch the other dude and concentrated on the chick.

                         Crowe Dog
What chick?

- US Pole Dance Championship 2009

Well, I’m a bum in the sun and I’m having fun. And I know you know I got no special plans.  

Here’s proof we’re in a recession. And it’s only going to get worse unless the government quits wasting our money. Pretty soon, we’re going to need a bailout to get laid.

Oh, and the STDs? Thanks to socialized health care, it’s going to be a race to see if you get diagnosed before your dick falls off.

I had to write that from a male point of view because pussies can’t fall off.

Anyway, thanks to Lonnie M for the pic.

Having a job is casting a dark cloud over the Summer of Benny.

“I’ve got tickets to the Cardinals game tonight.”

Nope, gotta work tomorrow.

“It’s amateur night at the strip club.”

Nope, gotta work tomorrow.

“Let’s road trip to Chicago and catch the afternoon card at Arlington.”

Nope, gotta work tomorrow.

I’d love to stay up and tell you the story of big butthole girl.

But I gotta work tomorrow.

I don’t write songs about girls anymore. I have to write songs about women. No more boy meets girl boy loses girl. More like man tries to figure out what the hell went wrong.

There will be no cleaning update today because I didn’t clean a thing over the weekend. I’m not even sure I took a shower. 

We added another song title to my debut country album: I Make a Mess Every Time I Try to Clean Up.

And by we, I mean Gina Party.

You know you’ve got a good thing going when girls won’t let you clean up after yourself because, “You’ll just make it worse.”

Give it up for the ladies with OCD.

Exactly.

Sorry, I was having a conversation with myself for a second.

I’m thinking about buying a car from one of these companies that offer to make your payments if you become unemployed. This seems like a no brainer.

How about this? – I buy a new SUV, and then ask my boss if he plans on driving his little girly car to Pride Fest.

Done, and done.

- Idiot wannabe rapper tries to rob convenience store in an attempt to gain ”street cred”. I say put him in a cell with the guy below.

- Dude likes to have his salad tossed in prison. NSFW

How you gonna do it if you really don’t want to dance, by standing on the wall?

The Bedroom (after)

A bunch of friends went to the racetrack tonight. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t go. I just checked the post times, and the fifth race is about to go off. That’s usually the time I start borrowing money.

Look what Benny did today!

1. Finished cleaning the bedroom
2. Picked up empty beer can and spit cup I left next to the sofa last night
3. Took empty boxes to recycle dumpster
4. Vacuumed

Chico has some lame ass vacuum cleaner that looks like something you would carry in the glove compartment. I have a commercial Oreck that sucks harder than the chick I took to G’s Christmas Party in the 90’s.

Inside joke.

There’s just one problem with my vacuum – it doesn’t work every time.

One day, I asked Chico why he wasn’t using my Oreck. “It doesn’t even turn on when you flick the switch,” he said.

“Well, sometimes I don’t either. But when I do, it’s magic for the ladies.”

He still uses the car vac.

Things that make me say WTF?

People that post on Facebook every Friday saying how happy they are the weekend is finally here.

No shit? What – you think someone on your friend list is going to write, “Damn, the weekend’s here already? I wish it was Monday. I hate fun.”

SOB Tribute to Facebook Fridays

I got sick of my job, sick of my wife. Sick of my future and sick of my life. I packed up my car and I got some gas. And told everybody they could kiss my ass.

The Bedroom (before)

This picture looks worse than it really is. Okay, that’s a lie. I’ve been living like a slob.

But I believe people are capable of change, even when others might not agree.

Let’s take today for example. I could have spent the day drinking cheap beers and chasing my money at the OTB.

Instead, I stayed home and cleaned.

Look what Benny did today!

1. Got up at 12:30 PM
2. Masturbated
3. Worked out
4. Cleaned bedroom

On the surface, it doesn’t look I did anything more than sleep in, whack off, lift a few weights and pick up my bedroom.

But cleaning my bedroom took three hours. It’s almost like I moved in over a month ago, and haven’t done shit since.

- I think I can see the labium. 

- The 10 Dirtiest Names in Sports.

And she makes me glad I’m a man. 

Chico’s Closet (after)

I was in a QuikTrip this morning, and saw two girls dressed in their Catholic school girl uniforms. My mind immediately went to that Britney Spears music video.

For the love of everything Holy, I hope they were seniors.

Look what Benny did today!

1. Cleaned Chico’s closet
2. Filled large box with clothes for Goodwill. Drink – I said box
3. Fixed night table lamp. These things probably have a fancy name - but I use it at night – it’s on a table next to my bed – and it’s a lamp 

I have a day off tomorrow, so I expect to get a lot done. Well, that, or I’ll spend the day drinking $1 longnecks at Mac’s Time Out Lounge trying to hit ten-cent superfectas.

WTF did you just say?

- Talented Kazoo player. Thanks, CC. NSFW

- Good morning, Megan Fox. Thanks, Mr. O NSFW

If I stop I could lose my head.