Chico’s Closet (before)

The deadline for my transformation into a neat freak is Friday, May 15th. The Preakness is the next day, and I’m not about to spend it scrubbing a toilet.

Look what Benny did today!

1. Took out the trash
2. Emptied the dishwasher
3. Grilled a steak (over-cooked the MF’er)
4. Cleaned up steak mess

I’m a little worried because today was mostly maintenance. I need to concentrate on major projects.

I did some research on the trainer of the Kentucky Derby winner, and found out his name is Bennie ‘Chip’ Woolley, Jr.

I mean, I’m happy for the guy, and all. I hope he wins the Triple Crown. But how can you have a cool rockin’ name like Bennie and still use a nickname?

That’s like saying, “The name’s ‘Snake’ but I go by ‘Larry’.

- Oprah is buying us KFC. Thanks, Crowe Dog (our one-stop source for free food).

She’s got electric boots, a mohair suit. You know I read it in a magazine.

Good-bye porn collection

And by collection, I mean two VHS tapes.

The other day my girlfriend politely asked me to quit living like a fucking pig. Not wanting to end our relationship, I eagerly agreed. Then I asked her to quit using profanity because it makes me cry.

Since this is going to call for significant changes in my lifestyle, and I sincerely want to make her happy, I made a list.

Some of these are things that should have been done when I moved in over a month ago. At least that’s what I keep hearing.

But most are simple on-going tasks that will require persistence and commitment. That was my penis talking.

Living Room

1. Don’t leave clothes and shoes on the floor
2. Establish strategic location for remote controls and place them there when done
3. Use coasters
4. Dust
5. Vacuum
6. Plug the smelly thing into the wall  

Dining Room

1. Don’t leave mail on the table
2. Don’t leave anything on the table
3. Wipe table clean
4. Vacuum
5. Hang baseball hats and keys on the wooden thing

Kitchen

1. Put dirty dishes in dishwasher instead of stacking them in the sink
2. Run dishwasher when it’s full
3. Empty dishwasher when it’s done
4. Keep counters and stove top clean by using cleaning agent and cloth rag
5. Take out trash when it’s full
6. Replace bag in empty trash can
7. Make myself a celebratory beer snack when done

Bathroom

1. Sort through box on floor that’s been there since early April
2. Throw empty box in dumpster
3. Clean mirror
4. Scrub bathtub, toilet and sink
5. Clean floor
6. Blow myself a little kiss in clean mirror

Bedroom

1. Take clean clothes out of laundry basket and put them away
2. Use empty laundry basket to store dirty clothes
3. Do laundry
4. Repeat steps 1-3
5. Sort through boxes on floor that have been there since early April
6. Throw empty boxes in dumpster
7. Sift through the piles of paper on dresser and create something called a filing system
8. Throw away junk mail from last year
9. Wash mirror
10. Dust
11. Vacuum
12. Make bed
13. Take off closet doors (this isn’t a requirement but I think it’s a nice touch. I find them to be quite obtrusive)

Chico’s Room

1. Sort through the clothes I tossed in his elaborate walk-in closet and store neatly
2. Sell remaining inventory of SOB T-shirts and Koozies
3. The lil’ guy’s on his own for the rest

The good news is I have ten days to get my shit together. The bad news is I have a full-time job, and have to write the SOB when I get home.

Taking a phrase from the NFL Draft – The Summer of Benny is now on the clock. 

I’ll keep you abreast of my progress.

Drink – I said breast.

Hey, baby, if you’re feelin’ down. I know what’s good for you all day. Are you worried what your friends see? Will it ruin your reputation lovin’ me?

The trainer of the 50-1 derby winner was a guy on crutches named Bennie. How did I not pick that horse?

If you’ve ever been to the racetrack, you can usually tell the winners from the losers once the race is over.

I remember being in Louisville on the first Saturday in May when a 31-1 shot won the derby. The throngs of people standing around me stared at their losing tickets in stunned silence.

Meanwhile, some drunk guy yelled, “I picked the winner because he has the same name as my cat.”

“Have another mint julep, douche, before I kick your ass to the 1/8th pole,” I yelled back.

My fellow losers began throwing beer at him. There I was, on the infield of Churchill Downs, and hundreds of people had my back.

And I imagine very few of them knew where the 1/8th pole was.

He’s your oldest and your best friend. If you need him, he’ll be there again. He’s always willing to be second best. A perfect lodger. A perfect guest.

It’s time for the fastest two minutes in sports. Not to be confused with the fastest two minutes in sex – which I like to call prom night. Or at least it was in my case. Hey, she had huge tits and like to talk dirty. So sue me.

The field for the 135th running of the Kentucky Derby

1. West Side Bernie – Sounds close to ‘Benny’ but not close enough for a win ticket
2. Musket Man - You might need a musket to shoot yourself in the head if you bet on this one
3. Mr. Hot Stuff - The new nickname for my penis. But not the derby winner 
4. Advice – My advice is to keep your money in your pocket
5. Hold Me Back – Yeah, hold yourself back from the betting windows
6. Friesan Fire – Sounds too Frenchy
7. Papa Clem – Arkie Derby winner is no Smarty Jones
8. Mine That Bird - The trainer’s first name is Bennie but he spells it wrong
9. Join in the Dance – No thanks, I’m a fat white guy
10. Regal Ransom - You’ll have a better chance making money with a kidnapping that having him on top
11. Chocolate Candy – Owned by diet guru, Jenny Craig. That’s like me owning a horse named Benny the Bedwetter. The pick
12. General Quarters – Ten-hut! All nags on deck
13. I Want Revenge – You might get it with this one
14. Atomic Rain – Al Gore’s choice
15. Dunkirk - Owners paid $3.7 million for him and he didn’t race as a 2-year old. The last time a horse won the derby without racing as a sophomore was 127 years ago. Good luck bucking that trend
16. Pioneerof the Nile – Why did they combine two words in his name? Stupid
17. Summer Bird – If he was named Summer of Benny, I would be a player. But birds wake me up in the summer. And that pisses me off.
18. Nowhere to Hide - I imagine he’ll find somewhere to hide – at the back of the pack
19. Desert Party – Owned by the same people as Regal Ransom – Goodolphin Racing. They’re based in Dubai and have been trying to win America’s race for years. Keep trying, Muchambo
20. Flying Private - If this horse wins, I fly my privates into the oncoming path a dump truck.

SOB Picks for the 135th Kentucky Derby

Chocolate Candy
I Want Revenge
Dunkirk
West Side Bernie

Well, when you’re sitting back in your rose pink Cadillac. Making bets on Kentucky Derby day.