Archive for June, 2009


I’ve had some major computer problems lately. First, the monitor on my laptop went out. No problem – I just hooked it up to my PC monitor.

That worked for day.

Then the hard drive on the laptop went south. No problem – I’ll just use the old Windows 2000 machine.

That couldn’t connect to the internet.

I went to the bullpen, and brought the Windows 98 tower out of storage. That didn’t even start.

Tonight I figured it out.

I took the ethernet card out of the 98 machine, and put it into the 2000. I had to connect it through a PCI slot because the original was built into the motherboard. I ran ipconfig in the command prompt, which showed the LAN was able to recognize the MAC address. And finally, the TCP/IP was able to communicate through my cable modem to the internet.

But I’m telling you something you already know.

By the way – The SOB doesn’t load properly in IE 5.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Riding a motorcycle with your right hand on the throttle, and the left holding a cup of coffee. Cha Ching! – $10.

I found something very interesting this morning in my bathroom sink – 2 long strands of brunette hair.

Let’s see if we can figure this one out. The last person to use the bathroom is the same person who complains about me not cleaning the sink.

Very interesting.

 – Tony Romo’s Facebook page.

I’m glad to see everything’s alright with you.


Here is one more example of why I’m still single.

My girlfriend had friends in town this weekend – Kurt and Pam.

We had made tentative plans to meet them for breakfast this morning. She called them a couple of times but they didn’t answer.

They were staying with a guy I knew (Doug), so I gave him a call. He answered, and then handed the phone to the Kurt. We agreed to meet at the Ameristar champagne brunch at 10:30.

We’re done here, right?

Not even close.

We’re meeting Kurt and Pam at Ameristar at 10:30.

When did you talk with them?

Just now. I called Doug, and he handed the phone to Kurt.

How did Doug hand the phone to Kurt.

They’re staying with Doug. Remember?

Yeah, but I don’t get how you talked with Kurt.

Why does it even matter?  We’re meeting them at 10:30.

But how did Doug let you talk with Kurt?

(Agitated) Look…your friends are staying with Doug. You were unable to reach them. I called Doug. Doug said Kurt was standing next to him. Doug handed the phone to Kurt. And we agreed to meet at Ameristar at 10:30. What is wrong with you?

Oh, now I get it. What time are we meeting them?

I’ve been in my mind. It’s such a fine line

The SOB will be dark until later this week. My grandma passed away, and I will be out of town with my family.

 My mom asked me to say a few words at the funeral.

My grandma was fortunate to live a long and happy life. And I am fortunate to have a lot of great memories of her.

I remember one night as a kid when my parents dropped me and my brothers off at our grandparents’ house for the weekend. I was going through the channels on the TV and stopped on a station that caught my attention. A movie was about to begin. It was called Rosemary’s Baby.

My parents were walking out the door when I said, “Mom, where do babies come from?”

My mom stood there like a deer in headlights. But grandma just hooped and hollered. And then she said to my mom – “I’m going to let you take this one.”

My mom said she would tell me later, and walked out.

Grandma had a great sense of humor. She also kept up on current events. While most people were watching Survivor or American Idol, grandma watched CNN, MSNBC and Fox News. Or, as she called them – Channel 36, 48 and 52.

She was one of the few people I could talk to about things in the news. It didn’t matter if it was weather, politics or a tragedy – grandma knew about it. And she always had an opinion.

I’ll miss those conversations the most.

My grandma had a kind heart. She donated hand-made dolls, quilts and miniature Christmas trees to the church.

She also made quilts for her grandkids and great-grandkids. A couple of years ago, she made a special Kansas City Chiefs quilt for me. It had to take months to finish. And it’s one of my favorite things in the world.

It’s impossible to say all the things you’ll miss about someone in a few words. But “Thank you, grandma, for everything you did for us. We love you. And we will miss you.”

Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand. You can’t flip it over and start again. Take every breathe God gives you for what it’s worth.

Tim Johnson strikes again.

Happy Facebook Friday

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I want to give a shout out to the driver of the hotel airport shuttle that drove my drunk ass home last night. I was in no shape to walk after Parties in the Plaza – especially when I was carrying an extra-large pepperoni pie.

Best thing I ever did, Clark.

I was talking on the phone with a friend today. It had been a while since we last spoke, so we were talking about his kids.

“What’s your daughter’s name?” I asked.

“Presley,” he replied.

“What’s your son’s name?”


“Geez, what did you name your dog – Bono?”

I received an email earlier this week from a vice-president. It was probably sent to a few hundred people. Some numb nut ass-kisser replied to all, and asked a stupid question.

The VP sent another email to everyone, and wrote, “Please don’t reply to all.”

I replied to all, and wrote, “Okay.”

I think my chances for advancement are dwindling.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “I be on that plan that the government pays fo.”

Translation: “I’m using taxpayer money to pay my rent.”

I got a haircut yesterday from the same Indian (customer support; not casino) that cut it the last time. I distinctly remember her because (a) she took frickin’ forever, and (b) she hummed some whacky Hindu song in my ear the entire time.

I swear I can’t understand a word she is saying. Yesterday, she was yapping something about scissors and clippers. I was in a hurry, so I just pointed to the clippers.

I now look like Sergeant Hulka.

Hello I’m sorry, I lost myself. I think I thought you were someone else.

A boy and his cooler

I already sent an update to Facebook and Twitter regarding this issue, but I had a major BLOW OUT in the men’s room today. It was so bad, guys were running out the door like democrats at a job fair.

Mr. O and I had a nice conversation about relationships the other day.

She wants me to wipe down the bathroom sink and mirror every morning.

                         MR. O

Tell me about it. I told her there are guys like that out there – they’re called homos.

                         MR. O
Sounds like you need separate bathrooms.

Well, I have started to wipe down the sink when I’m done.

                         MR. O

She holds her head so high. Like a statue in the sky. Her arms are wicked, and her legs are long. When she moves my brain screams out this song.

Rope is for pussies

I found some dude’s wallet in the Melrose Place parking lot Sunday morning. It was resting next to a fresh pile of puke. I didn’t need Miami CSI to solve the case.

I thought about buying a 12-pack before I turned it in. But, hey, I’ve been there before. And that’s just another morning for King.

That gives me an idea. King’s coming to town over the 4th of July. Who needs one? I’m buying.

Things that make me say WTF? 

The Korean neighbors brought some friends to the pool this weekend. They may be relatives. I don’t know.

But I noticed something peculiar while clutching my beer koozie with both hands. None of them lift their feet when they walk. They just shuffle.

The rolled by me like they were in Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Today was a real nice day. I got caught in a flood in the parking lot at work, and had to walk through water up to my knees. And since I don’t sell bongs at a hippie shop, I had to spend the entire day in wet socks and shoes.

“You dry yet?” a co-worker axed.

“I’ll be dry before you’re smart.” I replied.

She didn’t say another word to me the rest of the day. So it wasn’t a total loss.

I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one.

Little Chico's Pool
Enjoying Chico’s new swimming pool

There are a lot of grueling ways to make a living. You could be a window washer, crab fisherman, ironworker, fireman, policeman. The list goes on and on.

But one the most difficult jobs has to be a computer programmer in charge of updating spell check applications. 

I mean, think of the work involved trying to keep up with all of the names given to babies these days – Latrelle, LaDonna, Lequita, DeRon, Deandre.

The list grows every day.

Now that’s a hard job.

Drink – I said hard.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Paying for a bunch of shit at the Wal-Mart prescription counter, while the guy behind you has to wait over 10 minutes to get his pee pills. Cha Ching! – $10.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “My light beal be runnin’ ’bout fitty dollahs a munt.”

Translation: “My electric bill averages $50 per month.”

Moving me down the highway. Rolling me down the highway. Moving ahead so life won’t pass me by.

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