I read the American Idol runner-up announced he is gay. I think his name his Adam, or something. I never watched an episode but I saw the guy on one of the morning shows the day after the final.

He’s gay? Really? Shit, the guy makes Clay Aiken look straight.

June is Gay Pride month. May was Asian-Pacific Heritage month. African-Americans have February to celebrate.

I imagine every month recognizes a specific group – except Straight White People.

We’ve got nothing. And if we say anything, we’re accused of being racist, anti-Semitic, or homophobic.

I think Tornadoes even have their own month.

The SOB celebrates:

January – Al Gore is Full of Shit month

February – Love a Bedwetter month

March – Run from the Po-Po month

April – Talk Your Wife into a Threesome month

May - Picking Winners at the Track month

June - Celebration of the Guy who invented the Bikini month

July – Use My Taxes to Pay Your Mortgage month

August – Hate a Snitch month

September – Why America shouldn’t be the Country Apologizing month

October – Winery Trip month

November – Capitalism Remembrance month

December – Eggnog and Titties month

The time has come. To say fair’s fair.

The Melrose Place pool party last Saturday was something of a homecoming. A majority of the cast members were there – Abby, Crowe Dog, Dani-girl, Chico, Gina Party, Issac, Leo & Sheri, Maribeth, Sheila E and Tom d G.

But I want to clear up a rumor – mainly the one started by me. I was not actually kicked out of this year’s festivities. I left on my own accord.

The entertainment this year was a 2-man band – one played bongos and sang – the other played saxophone. A karaoke machine provided the rest of the music. They weren’t bad. They just didn’t play songs that would be considered ‘pool party’ material. I’m sure their music library would be great at a wedding or dinner party.

But I knew we were in trouble when they led off with Easy (Like Sunday Morning).

I won a gift certificate in a raffle during their first break. When I walked up to accept the prize, I grabbed the mic, and nailed the opening of You Give Love A Bad Name. You know the lyrics – Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame…

The funny thing is I’m not a big fan of Bon Jovi. I think I was just sick of hearing Barry White songs.

After their next set, I grabbed the mic again. The bongo player grabbed it from me and said, “Keep your hands off our microphone.”

“Take it easy, Earth, Wind & Fire,” I replied.

I walked away, grabbed my cooler, and told the gang it was probably time for me to leave. Besides, my girlfriend had called it a night a couple of hours before, and was asleep in my bed. So, I had that going for me.

The bongo player was eyeballing me as I walked out.

“Have another beer,” he said.

Now, I know had my share of refreshments during the day. And I probably should have kept walking because either one of them could have pinned me on the ground in seconds.

Instead, I took the opportunity to tell them how much I thought they sucked.

The bongo player then asked me if I wanted to spend the night in the hospital. And I don’t think he was concerned about treating my recent bout of gout.

Thankfully for me, a member of the Melrose Place staff intervened before I could respond. I was asked (and by asked, I mean told) to go home.

I heard later that the staff was worried about me coming back. But that was about as likely as me picking the winner of the Belmont.

Grab a hold of them reigns. We gonna rock this thang, cock this thang.

Belmont Picks:

1. Chocolate Candy
2. Dunkirk
3. Mine That Bird
4. Charity Man

Long shot exotic plays: 3/1,5 trifecta, 3-1-5-7 superfecta

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “The pool party is tonight.”

Translation: “I’m going to start drinking at noon, and be asked to leave when it starts.”

Plowin’ these fields in the hot summer sun. Over by the gate lordy here she comes.

Screw it. I’ve got nothing tonight, so let’s go with the story of Big Butthole Girl.

I had a crush on this chick all through high school. I finally nailed her my first summer back from college. She had gone to another school, and somehow managed to remain a virgin. I had done the same. Wink.

We became an item after our first night together. And by item, I mean she craved my boner all the time.

One drunken night, I was enjoying her company from behind, and my joystick fell out. I plugged the fellar back in, but she began to moan in pain.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“You’ve never put in there before,” she screamed back.

At this point in the story, you should know I don’t have a small penis. I mean, I’m no Long Dong Silver. But the five women I’ve been with have told me I’m above average. Wink.

When the night of mistaken identity was over, I drove home and noticed a foul odor on the way. I didn’t need Encyclopedia Brown to figure out what it was.

I knew my dad would be up for work soon, so a shower was out of the question. I went to the basement (again), and began to lift weights.

As luck would have it, he had to get a shirt out of the dryer.

“What the hell is that smell, boy?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I smell it, too. Do you think the sewer backed up, or something?”

“You been drinking?”

“No.”

“Don’t wake your mother.”

“Okay.”

I took a shower as soon as he left.

My love affair with Big Butthole Girl ended a few weeks later after I waited for her outside the bathroom. When she saw me standing there, she looked like a deer in headlights.

I walked past her, closed the door, and damned near puked. There was a stain around the toilet bowl that can only be described as the Shit Rings of Saturn.

And my mom always blamed me for ruining the toilet.

Stupidity Tax Offense: Walking into the men’s room to find all of the urinals are taken, and saying, “Looks like a full house.” Cha Ching! – $10.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “Man, when my gurl ain’t around, I be straight up kickin’ it.”

Translation: “I cheat on my girlfriend.”

- The Office “Diversity Day” Promo

And wake up to a brand new day. To find your dreams have washed away.

I walked past an elderly Korean lady tonight after work. She’s a neighbor I see all the time, but we’ve never had a conversation.

I was carrying a 30-pack of cold ones, and completely prepared to give her a nod and go on my way.

“Ah, you must ah rike the beer,” she said with a smile.

“Yep,” I replied.

But I seriously came close to saying, “Thanks for the update, Tokyo Rose.”

Before you judge, let me explain myself.

I’ve always been a little suspicious of people that smile at me, and don’t speak English.

Just a few years ago, the same lady’s husband walked up to me at the Melrose Place pool party.

He smiled, bowed, muttered some gibberish, and then stole my beer Koozie.

I thought about taking his ass down. But I have a policy against hitting below the belt. And his was around his nipples.

I stayed up last night to catch Conan O’Brien’s debut on The Tonight Show. The monologue was so brutal, it made JC Corcoran seem funny.

And he’s about as funny as a case of gout.

- Obama Man

Love doesn’t come in a minute. Sometimes it doesn’t come at all.

I went to the 2nd Annual Beer and Brats Festival in Westport on Saturday. I’d like to make two comments about the afternoon. First, I never saw a brat. Second, I had no idea you could get so wasted when sampling beers from a 5-ounce glass.

I guess it comes down to simple math. 50 x 5 = Daddy’s drunk.

I’m going to sell my remaining shares of GM stock, and let it ride on the Belmont this Saturday. I should have just enough for a $5 win bet.

- How some guy in Montana tried to get out of jury duty. Thanks, Jennifer P. 

- Drew Carey takes a shot to the nuts. Thanks, John M. 

- WTF is wrong with this lady?. NSFW

- Beat the Heat Tips from Donnie Baker.

- A rare double drink.

When I’m called off I got a sawed off. Squeeze the trigger and bodies are hauled off.