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Fiber Products

I’ve got to figure out why I pee the bed when I’ve had too much to drink. I’ve done a lot of research on this topic lately. Most of the suggestions on the internet say to simply quit drinking.

That’s funny.

I think I’ve figured it out, though.

In college, I drank a massive amount of beer after gobbling handfuls of mushrooms – and never once peed the bed.

So what’s different now? My weight.

I’ve traced the problem to sleep apnea. What causes sleep apnea? Being overweight.

I mean, I’m not huge. Well, my dick is. But I could stand to lose a few pounds.

Maybe my theory would be easier to explain if I put it into a math formula.

(a) Bedwetter
(b) Sleep Apnea
(c) Weight
(d) Excessive Alcohol Consumption

a=d*(b/c)

Where (d) is a constant, and (a), (b), (c) are variables.

So, let’s change the formula for the desired result.

(d-c)=null

If we reduce the value for weight – we reduce sleep apnea to a null value – which reduces bedwetting to a null value.

I should get up early tomorrow morning and workout. But I’ll probably be too hungover.

A conversation today with Matt M

BENNY
Are you following Larry the Cable Guy on Twitter, yet? He said he just ordered 5 chili dogs, gonna have to wipe with sham wow.

MATT M
You still bleeding out your ass?

BENNY
Only when I eat spicy food before I go to bed.

MATT M
I’m telling you. You’ve got to eat more fiber. My doctor gave me that advice, and I feel great.

BENNY
Are we really having this conversation?

MATT M
What?

BENNY
We used to talk about girls. And now we’re talking about our ass problems?

MATT M
Hey, I drank 20 beers the other night when I was out of town. I would usually eat a cheeseburger and fries the next morning. But I had a couple of bowls of bran at the hotel, and I was good to go.

BENNY
I don’t even know what foods contain fiber.

MATT M
Oatmeal is a good source. So are fruits and vegetables, nuts and broccoli. I’ve been eating the shit out of broccoli lately.

BENNY
That’s nice.

Later that day…

BENNY
Dude, I ate two high fiber bars for lunch. And it’s 50/50 I make it home before I shit my pants.

MATT M
You over did it. Your body’s in shock. You need to ease your way into it.

BENNY
It would’ve been nice if you had mentioned that earlier. I’ve gotta go. If I don’t concentrate, I’m going to need new seat covers.

MATT M
(Laughing) Good luck.

BENNY
Fuck off.

Seventeen has turned thirty-five. I’m surprised that we’re still livin’.