Archive for August, 2009

Sonicare Toothbrush

This is what a $140 toothbrush looks like. And another reason to sign up for a flexible spending account.

My trip to the dentist went surprisingly well, considering I have two cavities that need to be filled.

I bet you do, cupcake.

It’s Saturday afternoon, and I haven’t had a single beer. I have to drive to a cookout at Chuck H’s later. And contrary to what you might think, I’m not a complete idiot.

Besides, his wife has some work friends coming over, and requested that I behave myself tonight.

Good luck with that.

I know there’s going to be beer there. That’s like handing a golf club to Tiger Woods, and telling him not to swing it.

I’m bringing cab fare in case I change my mind. Wink.

– Maybe one of the worst headlines of all-time. Thanks, Matt H.

I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste, a flannel for my face. Pajamas, a hairbrush, new shoes and a case.

Crowe's Hose

I got a late night start tonight thanks to Matt H. We went to a little thing called Taco Tuesday at Casa Gallardo.

I’m not trying to be a big shot or anything, but I think my family was the first in Missouri to make nachos.

Anyway, I’m a little tanked up tonight. Stupid margaritas. And I have to get up early to workout. I promise I’m going to do it.

Drink – I said I’m going to do it.

Jake’s Leg is playing at the St. Louis Zoo Wednesday night at 6:15. Out of work at 5:00 – cold beer in hand by 5:04 (I’m not driving).

I have a dentist appointment on Thursday morning. I don’t want to admit how long it’s been since I’ve been to the dentist. Let’s just say the last time I was there, they offered me a sucker.

Same as it ever was.

Tequila

I noticed the SOB was getting about 200 hits a day from a link on a Spanish website.

My Spanish isn’t very good because (a) the self-checkout machine at Schnucks has a limited vocabulary, and (b) my college professor kept touching my ass, so I dropped his clase estúpida.

I can understand “Please place the last item in the bag,” or “Do you have any coupons?” But that’s about it.

So I did what everyone would’ve done – I viewed the HTML page source in Notebook, and searched for “summerofbenny”.

BAM! I found the link.

It was pointed to an image on my server. I could have just deleted it but that wouldn’t be much fun. Instead I uploaded a new picture, and renamed it to the same as the linked file.

Here is what their readers used to see: Old image

Here is what they see today: New image NSFW

The funny thing is the new image is actually embedded in the web page.

Update: Looks like El Conquistador noticed the tit hits, and removed the link.

Adios Muchachos.

I told her put an extra layer on. I know what happens when she drinks Patrón.

King's Cooler
King’s infamous cooler – July 4, 2009

Damn, I thought I beat Tom. How many did he have? King’s writing got a little shaky late in the day. The best part was how he refused to put a tick mark on the cooler until the beer was popped.

Update: Tom’s count overlapped Maribeth’s. I knew he didn’t drink 37 beers.

I was busy this afternoon, so I didn’t get a chance to catch the asshole who stole my sandwich. The generic brand of laxative powder I bought was a little expensive. But I hope they shit themselves on their way home.

I played a similar prank on someone the summer before my sophomore year in high school. I had gone to the lake with the cross country team.

Yes, I used to be a runner. Why is that so hard to believe? I can still beat half of you going any distance over a mile.

Okay, that’s probably not going to happen.

Anyway, I was the only sophomore on the team. Jimmy J was a year older, and a nice enough guy – just a bit annoying at times.

Don’t start with me (ex)-girlfriend.

All he talked about the whole weekend was how he was turning 16 on Sunday. A bunch of us went into the town the night before. I bought a pack of Chicklets gum. I also bought some Feenamint laxative gum.

I knew Jimmy J would be asking for a piece. So I gave the Chicklets to the other guys, and then stuffed the box full of laxative.

After he begged for a few minutes, I finally handed the box to him. He emptied the whole thing. The instructions said to take 1-2 pieces. He took all eight.

I noticed him blowing bubbles around the campfire as we waited for the spaghetti dinner to cook. And I knew the fuse had been lit.

After we ate, he was talking to Coach about his prospects of making varsity. All of sudden his eyes got big, and he started running down the dirt path to the public restrooms.

Coach didn’t know what was happening, but the rest of us followed. Jimmy J stopped halfway, and exploded in the woods.

A few minutes later he managed to make it the rest of the way. I had removed all of the toilet paper, and we found him spread eagle in shower rinsing off.

He finished last in the time trials the next day.

Apparently, it’s difficult to run fast with your left hand trying to hold your butt cheeks together.

You probably noticed I’ve been adding videos at the end of each post the last couple of weeks. I mean, the post titles are songs, and I close with a few lyrics – so why not add a video of the song?

Well, I found them to be a little overwhelming to the overall experience. And I want my drunkenness and immaturity to really pop off the screen.

– Reasons why not to use Internet Explorer. This isn’t funny – just trying to help.

– I can see me using this word a lot. Thanks, Mr. O.

– Donnie Baker’s Tips to Skip School.

Are you worried what your friends see? Will it ruin your reputation lovin’ me?

Guy peeing in gas tank

Getting baseball scores is so easy today

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Someone ate the rest of my sandwich I put in the refrigerator today.

Unbelievable.

That’s fine. I’m more than happy to play their game.

I’m going to Subway again tomorrow, and ordering a footlong Cold Cut Combo. I’ll eat half of it at my desk. Then I’ll take the other half into the restroom, where it will be subjected to every fluid I can pee, poop or pull from my body.

I will neatly wrap the sandwich, and put it into the refrigerator.

And yes, I’ll wash my hands after I add the condiments. Geez…I don’t want you to think I’m disgusting, or anything.

SOB Translation of the Day

Quote: “Yo’ this san’ich be tastin’ all funkdafied and shit.”

Translation: “This sandwich taste like ass.”

Update: After running my idea by Mr. O, he suggested I put a laxative in the sandwich instead. That makes more sense. What was I thinking? I can’t put something in the refrigerator that’s touched my balls.

MR. O
You’re the victim here. Besides, body fluids are what you use to decorate your furniture.

BENNY
I’m glad I called.

MR. O
Me too.

Don’t think me unkind. Words are hard to find.

Flip Flops
I blew out my flip flop

I lifted weights on Friday, and good gravy I’m sore. I’m not a personal trainer, or anything. Really? But I think you’re supposed to lift more than once every 3 months to make an impact.

Two self-promoting reminders:

  1. Vote for The Summer of Benny for Best Blog in St. Louis.
  2. Become a fan of the SOB on Facebook.

I dropped off Chuck H’s laptop tonight on the way home from work.

                         CHUCK H
You want to stay for a burger?

                         BENNY
No, thanks. I have to get home and make a post.

                         CHUCK H
On a Monday night, huh? It seems like you wrote more when you had a girlfriend.

                         BENNY
I had more material.

                         CHUCK H
You going to be here on the 29th for our cook-out?

                         BENNY
Yep.

                         CHUCK H
We’ll get started around 5:00, so pace yourself at the pool that day.

                         BENNY
Good luck with that.

Have you ever passed out on the floor next to your bed because you didn’t feel like washing the sheets the next morning?

Me neither.

I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day. Take me to the place I love, take me all the way.

Crowe Dog
I knew it. The only thing missing is the closet.

I’ve been careful what I wrote the last couple of days because I entered a contest to be a guest blogger for USA Today. I wasn’t chosen, so I want the entire world to know I’ve been watching an incredible amount of internet porn since I installed the sound card.

What is wrong with Internet Explorer? It never seems to work with anything I try to do. If you’re not using Mozilla Firefox as your web browser, you should be.

– I hanker for a hunka cheese.

– Best DeLorean repossession of all time. Thanks, Gina Party.

– Cagney and Lacey rip some beauties.

Rap meets treadmill. Thanks, Tom d G.

– Why you should marry a good speller. Thanks, Tom d G.

Caroline laughs, and it’s raining all day.

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