PETERMAN: Elaine, up until a moment ago, I was convinced that I was on the receiving end of one of the oldest baker’s grift in the books–The Entenmann’s shim-sham.
Man, I can’t find the HTML files from the original SOB website. I thought they got moved to the new server, but apparently not. Oh well, I’ll find a way to get them off the hard drive in my old computer.
Drink – I said get them off. And hard.
I received an email once that contained the cell phone numbers of everyone in my department. The company wanted to make sure they had our correct numbers in case of an emergency.
Whatever.
We weren’t supposed to use our cell phones in the office for security reasons. So I called everyone on the list, and kept track of who answered their phone.
The funny part is they couldn’t narc me out because they would get in trouble for answering their phones.
Suckers.
Girlfriend Update: She don’t call. She don’t write. That’s a shame because we made a great team.
Always tease, tease, tease. You’re happy when I’m on my knees.
It’s that time of year again – The Riverfront Times Best of St. Louis.
If you get a chance, vote for The Summer of Benny for Best Blog. Be sure to follow their rules. You know how much of a stickler I am when it comes to rules.
Here’s a sleeper pick: Best Weekend Getaway – Gina Party’s.
I’m about 70% sure the chick I keep running into is the booty call girl. If I find out it’s her, I swear I’m moving to Argentina, and changing my last name to Sanford.
You know, I thought my new smart phone would be pretty cool. I can upload MP3s and then trim them to make a ring tone.
Drink – I said trim.
Here are a few ringtones I’ve assigned:
Mom – Sweet Child O’ Mine Lil’ Bro – Glory Days Red – Sweet Home Chicago Matt M – Folsom Prison Blues Chico – Low Rider Issac – Nuthin’ but a ‘G’ Thang Maribeth – Mary Jane’s Last Dance Tom d G – You Caught Me Spanking It King – The Joker
Most of these are fine when I’m in public. But the other day Crowe Dog called while I was in the self-checkout at Schnucks. His ring tone happens to be It’s Raining Men.
I was so busy trying to figure out what the dude was saying in Spanish, I couldn’t find my phone.
I probably should have been embarrassed. But I just slung the plastic bag over shoulder, and said, “Vaya con Dios.”
There was a wealthy merchant, in London he did dwell. He had a beautiful daughter, the truth to you we’ll tell. Oh the truth to you we’ll tell.
My nieces and nephew had a pretty fun-filled weekend. They went to the Magic House, Arch, City Museum and Fitz’s. Their dad (Lil’ Bro) was in town, so the immaturity was kept to a minimum.
When I have them by myself, I usually let the rules slip a little. Shocker. I don’t let them shoot guns, or anything. But I let them stay up later than they should, and feed them ice cream for breakfast.
A few years ago, I bought them a remote-control fart machine. I had my nephew put it in his pocket, while I held the remote. We walked up to a couple enjoying their dinner at a patio restaurant in Westport.
“Excuse me, would you mind if the kids stand here so I can take their picture?” I asked.
“Oh, my goodness. They are so cute. Take your time,” the wife replied.
I walked a few feet away, and acted like I was taking their picture. Then I hit the remote, and a loud fart ripped from my nephew’s shorts.
The husband laughed. The wife asked for the check.
We also went to the zoo that year. Watching a giraffe peeing is always a crowd pleaser. So is looking at the monkeys with red butts.
But I knew it was time to go when my nephew noticed a turtle on top of another turtle.
“Look, Uncle Benny! Those turtles are fighting!” he yelled.
I looked at the couple next to me and whispered, “They’re not fighting, are they?”
The husband just nodded his head from side to side.
Then my nephew pointed and yelled again, “That must be the boy turtle because he’s on top, and he’s winning!”
I swear I keep running into a girl that was a booty call of mine back in the 90’s. She gave me a look today like she knew me. If that’s her, at least her face cleared up. But I’m hoping it isn’t, because I sure didn’t treat her very well back then.
Chicks don’t forget that.
Ain’t Karma a bitch?
I found a friend on Facbeook a couple of weeks ago. We hadn’t talked in ten years, and she asked for an abbreviated version of what I’ve been up to.
So here we go…
1999
- January – Convention in Dallas
- February – Convention in San Antonio
- April – Spread dad’s ashes at his favorite fishin’ hole. Convention in Orlando.
- May 1st – Drove to Louisville from Indy with Red and Niro for Kentucky Derby. Stupid horse.
- May – Trip to Seattle. Golf. Went home and surprised mom on Mother’s Day.
- June - Joined cycling club in Kirkwood. That was stupid.
- July – Convention in Chicago. Cubs game. OTB. Dallas – Mesquite Rodeo with Lil’ Bro
- August – R.E.M. concert at Riverport
- September – Convention in Vegas. Golf. Won $4k on video poker. The rest of the trip is a blur. Took the red eye home on Saturday night. Drove to Arrowhead to meet Brenda (blind date). Skinny bitch.
- December – Home for the holidays.
2000
- New Year’s Day – Watched bowl games at Swing’s.
- Jan 2nd – Watched Chiefs lose to Radiers 38-41 at Arrowhead Stadium. Season over.
- Feb 4th – Got AOL.
- Mar 3rd – Canceled AOL.
- March – Convention in Hilton Head. Played Harbor Town. Swam in ocean with Tiffany.
- May – Indy 500 with Red and Niro.
- September – Convention in Traverse City, MI. Plane had an emergency landing out of Detroit. Damned near shit my pants. Played Big Bear. Went to Amarillo later in the month for birthday party roast.
- October – Seattle to watch Chiefs beat Seahawks 24-19 at Husky Stadium.
- December – Home for the holidays.
2001
- January – Convention in Maui. Played Kapalua. Watched Super Bowl at bar in Lahina. Bought weed from some dude on a bridge.
- February – Blind date with Jennifer. Made plans for the following week but she heard on Oprah that you should wait until the last minute to tell a guy “Yes.” When she called, I told her to “fuck off.”
- March – Convention in New Orleans. Golf at English Turn. Got fluffed for the first time.
- April – Won car on TV in Seinfeld contest.
- May – Sold car won on TV. Met Drunkie Drunk.
- June – Memphis with Drunkie Drunk
- July – Went to NYC. Played the ponies at Belmont with Chuck the limo driver.
- October- Let Drunkie Drunk move in. That was stupid.
- December – Chiefs game at Arrowhead on the 23rd. Home for the holidays.
That’s it, I’m tired. We’ll have to finish later. That’s what she said.
I knew that would fix the the problem because the width of the Facebook widget is 200 pixels and the sidebar is 210 pixels.
But I’m boring you with stuff you already knew.
The widget can actually provide a live feed from my Facebook posts. It works fine in Firefox but IE has issues reading JavaScript.
I have no idea what I’m talking about.
So I spoke with my ex-girlfriend for the first time in over a week today. We discussed things I need to work on. I’ll write more on that in a minute.
I didn’t come away from the conversation with any false hope of getting back together. I think she is tired of my shit, which is a shame – because she’s my girl.
But maybe if we work on my shortcomings as a group, we’ll win her back. Think of this as a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, without having to sit next to a bunch of potheads.
I don’t clean up after myself
On the surface, this seems like a pretty easy fix. I just need to start picking up my shit, right?
Well, there’s a history here. Most of the history involves me doing a half-ass job of cleaning, and then leaving the rest for someone else to finish.
I can’t do anything about the past. But I understand what she’s saying.
I would love to get another chance to clean puke out of her carpet. I swear it would look like Stanley Steamer had been there.
I’m irresponsible
I’m a middle-aged man living in a basement apartment. I own three cars that could sell tomorrow for a concert ticket and a case of beer. I use too many sick days.
I get it.
Sure, I’ve been living a certain way for years. But that doesn’t mean I can’t change.
Geez…I want her to be proud of me. That makes this one the priority. She’s not perfect but she’s got her shit together. It’s time I do the same.
I’m immature
Am not.
This is a toughie. I like movies like Dumb and Dumber. I laugh at farts. I like waking her up with a mushroom stamp to the forehead.
I don’t see this changing a lot. I mean, maybe I could tone it down a bit – watch more movies like The Notebook – no more dutch ovens – make sure she’s awake before smacking her in the head with my man member.
That would be a start.
That’s all I’ve got tonight. Thanks for listening.
I know you wanna leave me, but I refuse to let you go. If I have to beg, plead for sympathy. I don’t mind, ’cause it means that much to me.
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