That last post was pretty lame because (a) I was using Gina Party’s new $350 Facebook Machine and she was rushing me so she could look at her wall, and (b) I didn’t tell the reason behind what I wrote.

You see, the “ex”-girlfriend noticed I had removed her as a friend on Facebook. And she wasn’t too happy when she found out. In my defense, I did it in an effort to move on. I could have kept her on the list, and followed what she did everyday. But that’s called stalking.

Gina didn’t understand it either when I told her. But her views on dating and relationships are somewhat skewed. She’s doesn’t play by the same set of rules as the rest of us. Most people don’t know this, but she watches nothing but drama shows – mostly on the Lifetime. You would think that someone with so much drama in her real life would need a little comedy relief. I think it just adds fuel to her fire.

I gave in to the pressure, though, and added the “ex” back as a friend. I think that’s the right thing to do, you know, since I’ve peed on her a few times, and all.

I was on a float trip with Lil’ Bro’s friends a few years ago. For those of you not in Missouri, we think it’s fun spending a day drinking beer in a canoe. Anyway, we had stopped on a landing to take a break. I had to relieve myself, so I walked away from the group and disappeared behind a tree.

I noticed one of the wives walking towards me with a camera. I knew what she was doing, so I quickly began fluffing myself.

“Can I take a picture of it?” she asked.

“Sure,” I replied as I turned around with my dick cupped in my hand.

“Oh, my,” she said.

Click.

She looked at the camera to make sure she had gotten the shot, and walked away.

A couple of weeks later, the picture was passed around a party. The ladies looked in amazement, and a legend was born. Let this be a lesson to every guy – Never let someone take a picture of your dick unless it’s standing at half-staff.

Drink – I said staff.

- One week left to vote for The Summer of Benny as Best Blog in the Riverfront Times – Best of St. Louis 2009.

Got me the strangest woman. Believe me this trick’s no cinch. But I really get her going, when I whip out my big 10 inch.

There are four different types of break-ups:

1. Abusive break-up
   If this is you, quit reading the SOB, and turn yourself into the police. Douche bag.
2. Mutual break-ups
   I don’t think these actually happen, but whatever. I think this means – We’re going to spend some time away from each other, but keep the door open for drunken sex.
3. You got dumped
   I have no experience with this type, but I’ve heard it can happen.
4. You dumped them – and now you want them back
   Who hasn’t been here before? You dumped their ass – and now you want some ass. To accomplish this you need to be very complimentary. And no, saying you miss the way they go down on you won’t work.

There’s a lot of different ways to handle break-ups. Some people just can’t let go. They spend hours leaving voice mails and sending messages. Sometimes these can be mean-spirited and contain profanity. That usually won’t work unless you’re ex is also a delusional psychopath.

Others prefer to simply move on. This has always been my MO. I like to think of myself as a gentleman – even if you count the peeing the bed part.

We had broken up for good just an hour before. Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, aaah.

SOB Tip of the Day – If the cardboard from your empty 30-pack won’t ignite a fire, use OFF! bug spray. Everyone will be huddled around a warm campfire in minutes. And there won’t be a mosquito in sight.

Disclaimer – The person in this picture is a professional drunk. Don’t try this at home.

Last year, Crowe Dog came up with a catch phrase that he thought would take the country by storm – Put some cheese on the hamburger!

Whenever we went out, he made sure we used it at least once during the evening.

Let’s bring it back, man. Whenever something good happens in your life, shout it out – Yeah, put some cheese on the hamburger!

I can picture it now – Stewart Scott doing highlights of an Albert Pujols home run on SportsCenter – “Yeah Big Albert, put some cheese on that hamburger!”

Hundreds of years from now, when someone is researching the origin of sayings like “Mind your Ps and Qs“, they’ll learn this one started right here – and has absolutely no meaning behind it.

That gives me an idea. I love using clichés, but sayings like “Does a bear shit in the woods?” get old after a while. So I’m going to start using my friends as clichés.

For example – let’s say I’m at a party with a bunch of people I don’t know. Some numb nut asks me a question that obviously has a “Yes” answer. I’ll reply with something like:

Does King lose his cell phone when he drinks?

Did Gina Party start smoking in the 7th grade?

Does Tom d G lift weights?

Does Abby know her 80′s music?

Does Maribeth drink shots?

Does Dani-girl want to be a trophy wife?

Does Lil’ Bro hate urinals?

Is my “ex”-girlfriend an obsessive-compulsive neat freak – and even though we have our differences, don’t we have so much more in common – and isn’t she the reason I wipe off my sink every morning?

WTF did you just say?

In the sweet old country where I come from. Nobody ever works. Nothing ever gets done.