Archive for October, 2009

What rhymes with Duck?

Just a reminder that USC plays Oregon tonight.

Happy Birthdays to Dani-girl and Maribeth this weekend. A new photo album should be added next week.

Tonight’s secret word is: Cleavage.

And finally on this Halloween Saturday, I want to thank the makers of Fruit of the Loom T-shirts. You guys are magicians. I never thought I would find an X-Large that fits so perfectly – and then have it shrink three sizes after a wash. I’ve always wanted to wear a halter top.

In the cool of the evening when everything is gettin’ kind of groovy.

Ozzies Menu

Ozzie’s is closed. The Chiefs are 1-5. Mizzou is 0-3 in the Big 12 North. The stars are aligned for me to begin the P90X home exercise system.

So I’ve decided that Sunday, November 1st, is the start date. Until then, a steady diet of pot pies and beer will be my motivation.

Hey, I even get an extra hour of sleep on Halloween night.

Like I need it.

Geez…I just wrote about this yesterday – but be careful what you send to co-workers. Lesson learned.

Hi All,

Most of you probably don’t know this, but I do a little modeling on the side. I have attached a couple of pictures from a recent “shoot.”

That’s what we call it in the Biz – A Shoot.

Anyway, I thought you might like to see what I do when I’m away from the office.

Have a great weekend.

Attachment 1

Attachment 2

And I’d have given anything to have my own Pac-Man game at home. I used to have to get a ride down to the arcade. Now I’ve got it on my phone.

S.O.B. Magazine Cover

I just got something called P90X. Talk about your misunderstandings. I thought the infomercial said, “Get ripped for 90 days.” Turns out it says, “Get ripped in 90 days.”

That’s great. Instead of learning how to go on a 3-month bender – now I have to workout for 90 days straight.

Okay, I knew what I was getting. I’m just not in a hurry to start the timer. But I need to get back into shape, so I’ll let you know if/when I ever watch one of the DVDs.

Besides, I should be giving instructions on how to go on a 90-day bender.

Today I was told to be careful with the emails I send because they’re being watched.

I’ve always assumed that everything I send is being monitored. That’s why you should always disguise the more “questionable” material when sending an email. Here, let me give you an example.

Let’s say that Mr. O just sent you an image of a naked woman doing something with a piece of fruit, other than eating it.

And now you want to share this picture with a few colleagues.

Don’t forward this email!

First, you want to change the Subject Line:

Old: XXX – Banana Trombone – XXX

New: Time Sheets

Now, change the name of the attached image.

Old: lonely_housewife.jpg

New: corporate_logo.jpg

I’m not saying this will always work. But you’ll probably be able to find an attorney to defend your wrongful termination case.

I got a freaky old lady name a Cocaine Kitty who embroiders on my jeans. I got my poor old gray-haired daddy – drivin’ my limousine.

Bar Sign
Huh?

People are still linking to images on my server. I mean, all they have to do is:

  1. Save the file to their hard drive
  2. Upload the file to their host server

But I guess they either (a) don’t know any better, or (b) just don’t care. Let’s take a look at some people I messed with.

Please note the “SOB’d” links below contain a picture of a penis.

Pee Power
You can’t make this stuff up. This pothead wrote an article about a urine-powered car. He had originally linked to an image of a guy peeing in a gas tank.

That was cute, but now he’s been SOB’d.

Update: The pothead noticed the wiener picture and removed the link. Thank you.

Dutch Oven
Here’s a site in the Netherlands where someone decided to use Dr. Phil for their profile picture.

Maybe he should have read Dr. Phil’s book on the dangers of hotlinking because he got SOB’d.

Snatchsquatch
This is a strange page. It contains nothing but images. They have everything from the kitchen sink to the X Files. For some reason, they linked to Snatchsquatch. NSFW

But if you scroll down towards the bottom of the page – under the Playgirl cover – you’ll see they’ve been SOB’d.

Bend It Like Beckham
Here’s a thread where somebody named iConBOY (middle of the page) linked to my monkey with a gun.

Poor little monkey boy – he’s been SOB’d.

There were a few more sites that got SOB’d, but the users noticed the wiener picture, and removed the link. I imagine some of the people above will do the same. But this was a fun way to spend a day off.

– How much or how little does your inner labia extend out from your outer labia? Why? Because I’m getting you a necklace, that’s why.

Big Bird rules Michelle Obama.

Get on my horse. NSFW. Make it stop.

WTF COLLECTIVE by Jon Lajoie. NWFW

Fake lottery ticket leads guy to divorce. Yeah, I know they’re actors, but it’s still funny. NSFW

We got winners. We got losers. Chain smokers and boozers.

Vegas Billboard

You wouldn’t see this billboard in Missouri. And now you know why I live in Missouri.

I’m going to start living like my dog did. I’ll get my vitamins and minerals from the food I eat. And I’ll stretch my legs every morning before I bounce off the walls waiting to go the bathroom.

Yeah, I could learn some things from that 3 lb. Yorkie.

Okay, so I had a Yorkie. Don’t judge. She was great little doggy until she died from a tumor. A tumor I still blame on Drunkie Drunk’s carton-a-day smoking habit.

I don’t understand how some people can’t house train their dogs. All you need is rolled-up newspaper.

My dog had very few accidents. The only one I really remember is walking into the bathroom one night, and slipping on a pile of shit in the dark.

She was hiding, but I coaxed her from behind the couch with a “treat.”

Now, I know PETA wouldn’t approve of this, but, well, let’s just say her ass met the classified ads.

I doubt I could ever date a PETA girl. But I could make it fun for a while. We would eat tofu, take nature hikes, and watch Animal Planet.

Then she’d walk in one day, and I’d be sitting on a new leather couch – with a plate on my lap – cutting into a nice piece of prime rib.

And while still chewing on a piece of meat, I’d point my fork at the box of condoms on the table – “They’ve been lambskin this whole time, sugar tits.”

She’s using her head again.

Gangsta BennyGangsta Issac

Who has more street cred?

Some days have more meaning than others, especially after you’ve lost someone close to you. But it’s important to remember the good times, and let the bad ones go.

Here, let me give you an example:

Dad

Good Time:

Our family met in Panama City Beach a month before he passed away. Late one Saturday afternoon, he told me and Lil’ Bro that he wanted to go fishing.

Middle Bro already had the boat out on the ocean. Dad called his cell phone, and told him to meet us at the marina in an hour.

We headed out – Lil’ Bro was driving – I was riding shotgun – and dad was in the back.

The silence was broken when the guy in the back said, “Daddy’s drunk.”

“How did you get drunk? You were with mom by the pool all day. And she’d kick your ass if she knew you were drinking,” I replied.

“I spent most of my day drinking beer with the guys. What? Did you think we were actually grilling something over there?”

“Well, that explains why you didn’t kiss her good-bye.”

“Hey, stop by the store! We need some bait!” he yelled from the back seat.

And by bait, he meant beer.

When we finally made it to the marina, Middle Bro was waiting for us.

“Where have you guys been?” he asked.

“Ask dad,” I replied.

Once we were out on the water, Middle Bro explained how he had taken a shit over the side of the boat.

“No, you didn’t,” I told him.

“Do you see my socks?”

Seriously.

Bad Time:

Dad came home from work to find me chasing Lil’ Bro around the house. Oh, and Lil’ Bro was clutching his piggy bank.

You see, back when ESPN first hit the airwaves, they would replay college basketball games the following afternoon.

Lil’ Bro was unaware of the programming lineup – so we would bet on the games – and I’d always give him just a couple of points less than he needed to cover the spread.

When his greenbacks finally ran out, I had to strong-arm his ass to pay up. That’s when dad walked in. He grounded me for a week, and made me give back the money.

That night at dinner, Lil’ Bro just smirked at me across the table, while shoveling tuna casserole into his mouth.

I wonder who he likes tonight.

So many things I wanna say to him. But I just placed a rose on his grave, and I talk to the wind.

Snuggie Bear
Snuggie Bear

Now that Ozzie’s is out of business, this is how Issac will be spending his weekends.

I fixed the plugin that handles the images, so the Cast, Photos and SOBs pages are back up. You can also add your own comments, now. But Abby told me that I have to delete anything she finds to be offensive.

No problem, sugar tits.

A female friend got upset at me the other day after I repeated something she told me.

“That was a secret,” she said.

“No, that was a story. A secret is when you tell me something I shouldn’t repeat. But when you tell me that you once doubled-up on a couple of dudes in college – well – that’s a story.”

- SOB Cast Member, Tom, can be found on page 179 of this month’s Cosmo (Kim Kardashian cover).

- If you’re a football fan (or if you like to laugh at stupid shit), follow Fake Todd Haley on Twitter.

Sometimes a lie is the best thing.

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