Domes are for pussies

The Chiefs may be winless this year, but Arrowhead is still one of the best places to tailgate.

I’ve been waiting for my credit card company to call after Sunday. The conversation would go something like this:

“May I speak to Benny?”

“Who’s calling?”

“This is Michelle from your credit card company.”

“Yeah, this is Benny.”

“Oh, hi, Benny. I’m with the investigative unit here at the bank.”

“Drink – you said unit.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. Go on.”

“We’re concerned about several transactions that were made on your card on Sunday.”

“Okay. What’s the problem?”

“We believe a group of fraternity brothers stole your credit card, and went on a drinking binge at Arrowhead Stadium.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Then we tracked them to KCI airport where the partying continued.”

“Wow.”

“Did you lose your credit card over the weekend?”

“No.”

“Were you at those places on Sunday?”

“Yes. In fact I distinctly remember sneaking into a corporate suite, and then getting escorted out by security.”

“So you’re saying the charges are yours?”

“Are there a bunch of $7.75 charges that say something like 16 oz. beer?”

“Yes.”

“They’re probably mine. But do I still have to pay if I don’t remember using the card?”

“Yes, you do.”

“Well, I guess that makes sense. Otherwise, Harrah’s owes me a shitload of money.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Thank you for your time, Benny. Your next payment is due on November 2nd.”

“Can’t wait.”

We eat the night. We drink the time. Make our dreams come true. And hungry eyes are passing by – on streets we call the zoo.

Somehow the Photos, Cast and SOBs pages got jacked up. I’m working on the issue. Here’s my plan.

1. Deactivate all plugins in Wordpress
2. Upgrade Gallery to version 2.3
3. Upgrade Wordpress to version 2.5
4. Upgrade WPG2 plugin to version 3.07
5. Activate all plugins in Wordpress
6. Shout “Fu-Ki Sake”when it doesn’t work
7. Uninstall Gallery
8. Install another photo album plugin for Wordpress
9. Move all photo albums to new folder
10. Hope it works

My best guess is that I’ll end up making things worse, and then go to Ozzie’s to watch the Cards and Mizzou.

Update: I’ve disabled the pages that are having issues. I’ll get them fixed next week when I’m back home (and sober).

I’m heading to KC tomorrow for the Chiefs game on Sunday. But I’ll be working on a couple of projects.

One is my Halloween costume. I usually stay home and hand out bedwetting prevention literature to the kids. But this year I’m dressing up as David Letterman. All I need is a few young women to be on my staff.

Drink – I said on my staff.

The other project is my resume and cover letter. I need to stand out against other applicants, so I’m going to write things like I do on the SOB. I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen? – I get hired as a validation engineer.

- NASA is bombing the moon tomorrow morning.

If you believe there’s nothing up his sleeve, then nothing is cool.

I doubt I have much in common with the person that made this sign.

364 days…that’s how long it’s been since a new album was added to the photo page. But I’m happy to announce that Abby now has her own folder on the SOB. And she has promised to upload pictures on a regular basis. For now, here’s The Summer of Abby.

Every now and again I’m reminded of a story about my dad. He had a great sense of humor, and enjoyed a good time. He also loved to hunt and fish.

I didn’t mind fishing, but never really took to hunting. I couldn’t understand why someone would spend an entire day walking on a frozen field trying to shoot a little quail – when KFC was right down the street.

One week he kept asking me to go hunting with him on Saturday. I really didn’t want to go, so I kept dodging the question.

My mom was in the kitchen making brownies the day he came looking for me. “You going, boy?” he asked, while zipping up his hunting jacket.

“I’m going to stay here and help mom,” I replied.

He kissed her goodbye. Then he looked at me and said, “Have a good time baking your little cupcakes.”

Old man take a look at my life, I’m a lot like you. I  need someone to love me the whole day through.

Lil’ Bro was in Vegas over the weekend. He was telling me about the restaurants and night clubs they went to. I had no idea Las Vegas offered that type of entertainment. Whenever I’ve been there, the only things I saw were gaming tables and sports books.

That got me thinking about my trips to the desert:

1989
You always remember your first – trip to Vegas, that is.

I was selling used cars at the time. I didn’t do it for the money. I just enjoyed the great reputation that came with the job. I was supposed to work on Saturdays, but spent one Friday night getting over-served at a Joe “King” Carrasco show.

My boss was pretty pissed when I didn’t show up for work. But when you’re young – and hungover – things like that don’t really bother you.

Anyway, a buddy stopped by to see if I wanted to go to the dog track. I went because, hey, I needed to cash my last paycheck somewhere.

Long story short – we split a $12k tri-super jackpot.

I booked a flight for me and another buddy that night. We spent the next 18 hours drinking and gambling until the Sunday red-eye took us home.

I walked into the Monday morning sales meeting like a rock star. And no, they didn’t fire me.

1991
I went for a friend’s bachelor party. I almost lost my entire bankroll at the roulette table before I checked into the room. I also missed an 8-team parlay when the Yankees beat the Mariners in extra innings. Had the Mariners won, my $5 wager would have paid over $1,200. Stupid Yankees.

1997
Me and Doggie Style went there in July for a long weekend. You can get pretty good rates during the summer. And as long as you don’t mind temperatures in the 120’s, you can have a pretty good time.

1998
I met some buddies for Super Bowl XXXII. All of us took advantage of the generous 11-point spread given to the Broncos – and parlayed them with the Over (47). Cha Ching! Payday.

We also saw John Mellencamp the night before at the Hard Rock.

But the best part of the weekend was early Sunday morning when we were saving our seats in the sports book. Red was nowhere to be found. And then he showed up with In-N-Out Burgers for everyone. The people around us thought we had won a Keno jackpot, or something.

1999
I went to a convention at the newly opened Venetian. I gave my ATM and credit cards to my boss because I was there for one thing – work.

Then I slipped a $20 bill in the video poker machine while waiting for a beer – and got a Royal Flush that paid $4k.

The remaining three days are a blur, but I learned a few things:

- Pit bosses remember your name when you win

- Most employers don’t like it when you do tequila shots in the trade show booth

- It’s hard to hit a golf ball when you have the shakes

- The pretty girl flirting with you can sometimes be a hooker

2002
I took Drunkie Drunk on this trip. I won $1,500 on a slot machine the first night. And after the air-conditioning didn’t work in our room at the Sahara – and I peed in her shoe – we moved to the Rio.

I got her a new pair of shoes and a Swedish massage after we checked in. That was money well spent because her spa visit bought me a couple of hours to myself. And I didn’t spend it reading by the pool.

We stopped by the sports book the next day to see if I had earned any comps. The pit boss grabbed his clipboard and instead of just saying, “Yes,” he recapped the amount of money I pushed through the windows the night before.

FYE – It was a rather large amount.

Drunkie Drunk didn’t talk to me during dinner. But I didn’t care. I just enjoyed my complimentary filet mignon and baked potato – while playing a Deuces Wild machine.

Lights so bright. Palm sweat, blackjack on a Saturday night