Somebody call security. There’s a tampon in the lobby.
I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise, but the top story on the local news yesterday was the Tiger Woods car accident. They followed that up with the pending approval for a troop surge in Afghanistan.
Seriously.
I want to know what golf club his wife used. I mean, club selection is crucial when you’re trying to shatter the glass of an SUV at 2:30 in the morning.
I’m thinking she used a 3-iron.
Tiger released a statement on his website to address the incident. Below is my latest press release.
As many of you have read on social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter, I was involved in a puking accident over the weekend.
This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to me. I’m human and not perfect. I will certainly make every attempt to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
This is a semi-private matter, and I would like to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my puking are irresponsible.
The only person responsible for the incident is me. I took a pee pill on an empty stomach after drinking approximately 15 beers. When the pill reached the acid in my stomach, it exploded like a Mentos dropped into a can of Coke.
This incident has been stressful and very difficult for me. I appreciate the well wishes that I have received. But I would also ask for some understanding that the incident was not intentional.
Later this week I have to take a buddy to an outpatient surgery – an outpatient surgery on his ASS!
He said he his sphincter is too tight, or something. I don’t care what his problem is; I want to watch the procedure.
“The only way you’re getting into my doctor’s office is if I’m dead,” he told me.
I’m bringing a box of Junior Mints just in case.
I see you live on Love Street. There’s this store where the creatures meet. I wonder what they do in there. Summer Sunday and a year. I guess I like it fine, so far.
Damn You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!